1:05 AM Circuit Ave, Oak Bluffs, MA
4 guys come up to my taxi and start to get in. One of them tells me his 6 buddies are right behing him and they are just need to be dropped of 5 min down the street. Of course all 4 dudes are shit housed and smell like booze and BO. As we are waiting for the other 6 guys to jump into the taxi and rush of at least 9 girls storm into my cab. As they all pile in I try explaining to them that the party of guys that’s already in here is going to be up to 10 people and there isn’t really enough room. These chicks could give 2 fucks what I was saying. They appeared to be 18-21 years old and dress like they just came from some rave party. I take a quick glance in front of me to see that the taxi in front of me is pulling away. As I’m looking in that direction the girl seated directly behind me slaps me in the side of the face and says, “Go! Follow that cab in front of you, we want to go where they’re going!”
I turned right around, looked her square in the eye a foot from her face and said, “If you hit me like that again I am going to punch you right in your fuckin face you little bitch.” I pointed my index finger right at her and burned a hole through her with my eyes as I said “fuckin face.” She sat back and assumed her god dam role as being a passenger in my fuckin taxi.
As this exchange was going on, my original party of 10 guys finished getting in my taxi. I have no idea how many people were in my taxi but it was at least 20 people. We took off down the road as a girl was sitting on a guys lap in my front passenger seat. They just met 10 seconds ago…
I go to bring the girls to the party that they wanted to attend at the “Irish house” in Oak Bluffs. It’s exactly as it sounds, a summer house full of Irish Bros for the summer. These fucks get shitfaced every night and are always inventing too many people back to their house. But, I mean isn’t that what you would expect from a place called the Irish house?
Because of the Patriots game last night, I wore a Tedy Bruschi jersey over my white polo shirt with a popped collar. So everyone in the cab kept calling me Tedy, Ted or Bruschi every time they attempted to get my attention. Shit got real annoying fast.
We are about 2 minutes into the ride and I smell someone smoking from the back seat. Now there are no windows that open in back and second of all where is this guy putting his ashes? I turn the music off and put the interior lights on, then tell everyone to shut up for a seconds. I yell you, “whoever is smoking in the back seat please put it out.” I continue to drive and still smell the smoke.
A few minutes later we are at the Irish house. I get out of my cab and walk around to the front as the girls start to get out. As I’m standing in front of my taxi trying to collect money I see that same kid smoking in the back seat. Listen. No one fucks with my #1 van at A-BIG Cab Co. It’s one of the nicest if not the nicest and newest Taxis on the island. My relationship with this van is actually getting scary. My van and I have a stronger bromance than Hasselhof and K.I.T.T. More powerful than the Duke Boys and General Lee. Tighter than MR. T and the A-team van. You can fuck with me, but if you fuck with my van I will fuckin lose my shit. And that I did.
I yell out and tell all the girls to get back in the cab but let them know now they are going to be dropped off last after my original party of guys gets dropped off. One of the guys in that orignial party is so shitfaced he misunderstands what I am saying and starts to verbally attack me. He happened to be about 6’5.
“What! Your not going to take the girls home! Are you fuckin serious bro? Whats wrong with you?”
“Big Man" I reply, "How bout you shut your fuckin mouth. You have no idea what the fuck is going on right now. I’m driving everyone out of here that originally came. You get your big drunk fuckin ass back in my taxi. I’ll worry about where everyone is going, you worry about your fuckin self and not puking in my back seat you big goofy fuck.” He stares back at me and says nothing. #OWNED
Everyone piles back in. As we pull away the Irish guys are yelling obscenities at us with lines such as "go fuck yourself mate.”
I eventually drop the 10 guys off at their house. They pathetically beg and plead for the girls to come in and join them. I watch this take place enjoying a quiet moment with myself pondering the other jobs I could possibly do that would make me feel any less degrading than babysitting drunk fucks in Oak Bluffs…
The guys tip me $30 like the should. 4 of them gave me man hugs & high fives. As I drove away they chanted Bruschi! Bruschi! Bruschi! I tooted the horn and proceeded to Edgartown.
The girl who punched me in the head apologized. I then apologized back for telling her I was going to “punch her in her fuckin face.” I told her I never was really going to do it. (eh, that's debatable) We said our good byes and at 2:05 AM my taxi ride from hell was over.