Chief’s Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha’s Vineyard: Nothing Fights, $50 Dollar Tip For Driving Two Drunk Chicks Home and I’m Pretty Sure That Dude’s Getting a Hummer in My Back Seat

Friday Night 10:15pm 

So this couple gets in my Cab and I can tell right away from the body language of the dude that they are in a nothing fight. I know the look. He has that thousand mile stare with this “someone please shoot me” expression on his face. As they sit down in the seat behind me I hear the girl say “Why are you so mad at me?” He goes, really? “Don’t talk to me, Just leave me alone.” So what does this chick do? She keeps asking him what’s wrong. I wanted to chime in and let her know that she needs to shut the fuck up before he blows a gasket. All men know what I’m talking about. Guys can’t win in this situation. If we talk to you, you’ll just bring up shit that happened like 10 years ago that has nothing to do with what we are mad about at the time. So we tell you we don’t want to talk about it with idea we can avoid a nothing fight turning into world war 3. But, if we don’t talk to you you’ll cry or be up our ass until we say something. As I dropped this couple off I could hear her continuously trying to poke the bear and get him to say something. Unreal. Women, let the nothing fights go and talk about whatever pointless shit that happened the next day when you both are sober and have calmed down. Fuckin A.

Sunday Night 11:30 PM


I get a call for a pick up out in Edgartown for a pick up. When I pull up to the driveway a lady walks over to my cab and tells me her two friends are shitfaced and need a ride home. Hey, just your average weekend night pick up on the rock, right? Eh, little curveball mixed in though. This lady hands me a $50 and says “Make sure these two get home safe. You got a couple of cougars that are drunk and crying.” Fuck me. Nothing I love more than babysitting two chicks in their mid 40’s that are drunk crying on their ride back to the other side of the island. So I chat with this lady for a few min. As her friends come escorted out she looks at me and says, “Ya, here’s another $20. You’re going to earn this money tonight.” The fair price was only $20. Essentially I was getting a $50 tip to babysit 2 drunk women.

As these two chicks get to the cab I realized they are fahkin hammered. One of them took 5 minutes to get in the side door. She needed help getting in and fell down 3 times while doing so. The other lady wasn’t as tanked and she sat in the front passenger seat. We said by to the people at the party and took off. As we drove away, drunk chick in the back goes “I’m not done fuckin partying, where we going?” I replied back “I’m talking you home, parties over.” This rhetoric happened repeatedly the whole way back to their house.

Once we got there I came around the side of the taxi to help carry drunk chick in the back out. As I do this she keeps starting at me. I get her upright and pass her over to her friend. When I go to walk away she grabs my arm and goes “oh, you’re cute. Come on inside and party with us.” She wouldn’t let go of my arm as I tried walking away so I kinda did a little spin move to break the hold. I laughed and said, “Sorry, I got to go. It’s only midnight, I got plenty more of drunk people on MV that need to be saved.”

Early Saturday Morning 1:20 AM


3 people get in my cab and need a long ride home up island. I got a guy in my front seat chatting away with me while his buddy is in the back with girl all the way in the last row of seats. The guy next to me tells me he has no idea who that girl is and that his boy just met her tonight at the bar. When the ride starts we all are talking together. However, the longer the ride goes the quieter dude in the back is getting. At first I could hear them making out and then they slid so low in the back seat and I couldn’t really see them anymore. After a while kid just stopped responding to questions that his drunk buddy in front was asking him. I don’t think his buddy was sober enough to realize what was going down. I leaned over to him and said, “Dude, I’m pretty sure your bro is getting a BJ in the back seat.” He just looks at me, chuckles and goes “Oh ya man, you’re probably right. I Should stop talking to him.” Ya think?

Hey, there’s no cock blocking allowed in my cab. No way, no how. Do whatever you want back there bro. I only have to sit in the front seat, I could give a flying fuck how crusty the back seat gets.

VIDEO: Tom Brady's Wicked Accent Commercial

Tom Brady's Wicked Accent from Tom Brady

Tom Brady is pretty fuckin solid in this video. Personally, I think its like 2 minutes too long but the part at the end where he knife-edge chops his own cut out and walks away while that lady calls him Matt Damon is priceless.

Oscar worthy acting out of TB12 really.

Tuukka Rask and Tyler Seguin Dominating the Shit Out of "The Tropics" This Weekend

It's the opening weekend to Masshole summer and you arguably have the 2 most important players in the Boston Bruins future vacationing on the islands off the Cape. Tuukka time on Martha's Vineyard and Tyler Seguin on Nantucket for Memorial Day Weekend.

Now you maybe sitting there saying big deal, who give a fuck? Let me learn you something my friends. I'm ecstatic that these 2 franchise cornerstones spend some of their free time amoungst the people. This means something to me. By spending time in the Boston area during the offseason, these guys get constantly reminded of how important winning is to this fan base. It gets said to them over and over again. I love that these guys rip it up with vacationing Massholes. They can't help but get some of that Boston live or die sports mentality to rub off on them. You never see Phil Kessel partying on Nantucket during Figawi. Bro was too soft, he couldn't handle it.

Ps. 100 percent chance Seguin slammed out this chick in the white pants. Is there anything that gives you a boner quicker in the summer than seeing a hot chick in white pants down the Cape? 

Once Brady steps down, this kid has a chance to takeover and run this town. Play on playa

Dad Accidentally Slices His Son During a Samurai Sword Fight

Fox News
Authorities say an upstate New York man using a samurai sword to fight with another man struck his 8-year-old son in the head. Police in Utica tell local media outlets that 42-year-old Thar Kyi barged into the home where his three children were getting ready for school Tuesday morning and began swinging the sword at their mother's boyfriend. Officials say Kyi missed the boyfriend but struck his son. The boy was treated at the hospital for non-life-threatening injuries. Kyi was eventually found in the Syracuse area and charged with assault, burglary, criminal contempt and criminal possession of a weapon. He's being held in Oneida County Jail. It couldn't immediately be determined whether he had a lawyer.


Ain't that a bitch? Here you are getting ready for school minding your own business and Dad decides to get into a Samurai sword fight with Ma's boyfriend. Like WTF dad? It's bad enough I got to deal with this Captain Crunch cutting the shit out of the roof of my mouth , but I also got to deal with you slicing a chunk of flesh of the side of my dome piece? Mom wanted some new dick. That's life. Move on, deal with it.

Bruins Fans, What Would You Give Up to Get Rick Nash?

Joe Haggerty CSNNE.com
With the Stanley Cup Finals little more than a week away, the busy season has arrived for the rest of the NHL beginning work on their offseason plans. Trade rumors, signing your own players and major roster decisions are all in play with the NHL Draft and NHL free agency little more than a month away. That means the rumor mill is getting worked into a deep frenzy for 27 NHL teams watching the New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers and Los Angeles Kings work out the whole Stanley Cup thing. There were reports out of Columbus that the Bruins are working on pulling together a deal for discontented sniper Rick Nash as he becomes the biggest trophy on the trade market this summer. According to “The Canon” blog out of Columbus, the Blue Jackets TV play-by-play guy, Jeff Rimer, reported on one of the local radio stations that the Bruins were preparing a “major” offer for the former No. 1 overall pick.

 The Bruins have needed a pure scorer for years. Even when they won the cup in 2011 there was a need for a forward whos forte was scoring goals. Rick Nash would fill that need. But what would Bruins fans be willing to give up? Nash makes 7.8 million per year. The Bruins would have to clear more cap space to aquire Nash while giving up a solid forward or two of their own in return. Supposedly Columbus is asking for a kings ransom, a combination of Hamilton, Seguin, Bergeron, Lucic or Krecji. Seguin or Bergeron are absolutely not going to happen. I would be very open to trading Krejci for Nash and sliding Seguin to center with Nash on the Right Wing. If it took both Lucic or Krejci for Nash I would pause a little but I still would probably do it. The wild card is we have no idea how Nash would preform in the playoffs. In 08-09 he played just 4 games with 3 points and was a minus 4. We do know how Lucic and Krejci have preformed and their level of play has been maddeningly inconsistent. Nash would be a risk, but it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

 On a side note. I'd prefer Zach Parise over Nash. I know Parise would thrive in this Bruins system and his price tag should be a little less than Nash. If the Bruins could sign him in free agency they wouldn't have to give up any players to sign him (assuming he can fit in under the cap).

VIDEO: How Pissah is This Cape Cod Potato Chips Ad?

This ad is the fuckin tits. Whoever came up with this in the marketing department should get a promotion asap. Shit just tugs at the heart strings of beach going Massholes. You got the lighthouse, sand, ocean, seagulls, Cape Cod chips and a phat beat from a shitty 80's band. Phenomenal stuff really.

I know dudes in bands get groupies and chicks hanging off them, but you can't tell me this hairdo got Mike Scores dick wet. I know it was the 80's but that hair had to be a major cockblock right?

California Guy Turns Super Soaker Into a Real Shot Gun

Fox News A California man was arrested after authorities discovered the "Super Soaker" water gun he was wearing around his neck had been turned into a working shotgun, Fox affiliate KMPH reports. Fresno police approached 54-year-old Randy Smith when they noticed the water gun around his neck Saturday because they had been recently briefed on people turning toys into working weapons. When they took the water gun apart, they found a real shotgun shell instead of water. "He took the Super Soaker apart, was able to fashion a barrel to where he was able to make what's considered a zip gun, where you can fire one round through it. In this case it was a 20 gauge shotgun shell," Sergeant Mark Hudson of the Fresno police told KMPH. Even more troubling, Bill Mayfield, who works at Gilmay Guns in Fresno tells KMPH it only costs about $30 worth of parts to transform a toy into a shotgun, and you don't have to be a gun expert to do it. He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move. "The firearms cartridge with the gun powder is an explosive. The device they're building has to be able to contain the pressure of that explosion," Mayfield told KMPH. "So they're just relying on, maybe this will hold up. Well, you could be putting a gun next to your head, or you could be putting a hand grenade next to your head." Police say Smith faces multiple charges, including being a convicted felon in possession of ammunition, a felon in possession of a firearm, manufacture of an illegal weapon and a misdemeanor warrant. 


"He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move."

Really? I think its genius. You ever get blasted by someone with a super soaker? It fuckin sucks. The only person that enjoys it is the asshole squirting everybody. The kid with the super soaker maybe one of the most annoying characters of child who grew up in the 90's. Nothing worse than little Billy running up to you every 5 seconds blasting you in the eye ball and while chuckling his ass of. Well how quick will Billy shut the fuck up after you launch a 20 gauge bullet into his chest? Game changer. Set the tone for the summer and the rest of the kids at camp will leave you the fuck alone.

 

 I'd chose getting blasted with a shot gun over getting hit in the face with and Oozinator everyday of the week. Looks like a commercial on teaching kids the best way to take loads to the face. No thanks.