MTV reality show star Abram Boise must have been feeling down in the dumps after he got arrested this weekend ... because while sitting in his jail cell, he defecated in his hands and smeared it on the cell ... this according to law enforcement sources. Boise was arrested in Massachusetts by Lunenburg PD on two counts of defacing property and one count of indecent exposure ... after cops found him urinating in public. But apparently his bowels weren't empty ... because law enforcement sources tell us he peed on the floor of the cell, was moved to a second one, and then he pooped in his hand and smeared it all over the wall of the second cell.
Abram has appeared in such reality shows as “Road Rules: South Pacific,” “The Gauntlet,” “The Inferno,” “Battle of the Sexes 2,” “The Inferno 3” and “The Island.”
In case you give a crap, Abram is scheduled to be arraigned today.
I've never been arrested before but that last thing I would do is shit in my own hands and then wipe it on the wall. Prob not a good strategy dude.
You know what else is a sweet situation? Peeing on the floor and Taking a dump in your own hands while proceeding to throw it around the room like a chimpanzee.
Shit looks like a fuckin video game. Drifter just pissing right in the faces of these cops.
I know this is like the 15th installment of this movie but too be honest it looks pretty fuckin good. This has to be the last Fast and the Furious Right?
The late Sen. Ted Kennedy arranged to "rent" a brothel for a night while on a visit to Chile and other Latin American countries decades ago, according to a 1961 State Department memo obtained and published by the watchdog group Judicial Watch.
Judicial Watch released several documents said to be from Kennedy's FBI file. The group said it obtained a cleaner copy of the State Department memo after a mostly redacted version was made public earlier.
The Dec. 28, 1961, memo described a tour of several Latin American countries Kennedy made while he was an assistant prosecutor with Suffolk County, Mass.
Traveling with a professor, Kennedy "insisted on interviewing 'the angry young men' of the country," according to the memo. This included "communists and others who had left-wing views."
The memo said that during Kennedy's stop in Santiago, "he made arrangements to 'rent' a brothel for an entire night." The memo said Kennedy allegedly "invited one of the Embassy chauffeurs to participate in the night's activities."
The memo suggested other officials had run-ins with Kennedy on the trip. It said that in Mexico, Ambassador Mann -- presumably longtime State Department diplomat Thomas Mann -- pushed back when Kennedy wanted to invite "certain left-wingers" to the embassy residence for interviews.
"Mann took the strong position that he would not invite such people and stated that if any such interviews were to be conducted, all arrangements should be made by Kennedy himself," the memo said.
Ted, you motorboating son of a bitch you old sailor you... Big deal it was the 60's. Its not like he was wearing a hemp necklace tripping his balls off LSD in the middle of Boston Common. Who cares if Ted was trying to get rid of some blue balls in Latin America. I mean have you seen Shakira? Sofia Vergara? The old senator was just living the dream and winning at life. Don't hate on him 50 years later.
The Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations awarded singer Shakira its 2011 Cultural Rhythms Artist of the Year award today. Shakira is the 26th winner of the award; previous winners include Sharon Stone, Herbie Hancock, and Will Smith.
Who the fuck is Herbie Hancock?
Anyway, Shakira won this award for one reason and one reason only. She gave millions of dudes a music video they could rub one out too. You think the men in this Harvard committee that decides who wins this award each year really believed anything they said? "Sure, I think Miss Shakira is a good choice. She is a very talented vocalist and she has proven she has the ability to reach both Columbian and US cultures." Fuck that, whole time dude was saying that his little head wanted to chime in and give his 2 cents. Lets not bullshit here, She won this award for breaking dicks and coming out with the "She Wolf" video in 2009.
I have images of that video burned in my head. And that I am grateful for. Those snapshots will be with me for the rest of my life. I don't even know what the fuck is going on in half of this video. (Like WTF is the Sparkly red cave shit?) I just know the 1:20 mark of this video went into the hall of fame of images frozen in time in my head. Its right up there next to Brooklyn Decker coming out of the water and the Jessica Simpson Dukes of Hazzard video Shakira is no doubt top 3 women in the world I want to sleep with.
Foreignaccent? Check. Body of a goddess? Check. Can move her body in positions of a gymnast? Check. Make a slutty video that gave me nocturnal emissions? Check
Oh ya, congrats on that Harvard award. Whatever the fuck it was.
Wow, Gretzky fuckin blows at air hockey huh? Way to half ass it bro. Figured the Great One wouldn't have the hand eye coordination skills of a 75 year-old man.
Someone needs to knock Bieber of his Ivory tower. The only one winning more at life right now is Charlie Sheen. The one thing keeping me sane is knowing Bieber is a distant second when it comes to the game of life. When we hear he is watching Toy Story 3 in his tour bus with a couple of 9th graders snorting pixy stixs while they simultaneously give him hand jobs then we'll talk. Until then, have fun coming in second place dude.
Charlie Sheen just re-unleashed on the "knuckleheads" behind "Two and a Half Men" ... saying he could never go back to the show if it meant working with "the turds that are currently in place." Sheen just called in to Fox Sports Radio with Pat O'Brien ... where he claimed during the entire 8-year run on "Men" he felt like "an unwanted relative being given cold coffee at 9pm every night." And now that show execs have shut down production on "Men" for the rest of the season, Charlie believes the show is also done FOR GOOD ... saying, "Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly.
Click here For Full Audio Charlie Sheen is "High on Life." Just chilling with his "2 Goddesses" on a plane in the Bahamas. That lucky son of a bitch.
Charlie Sheen just wrote a sternly worded open letter -- which he's given to TMZ -- addressing the decision to shut down the production of "Two and a Half Men" for the rest of the season.
The letter reads:
What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...
Charlie Sheen
Just when you think this story can't any better it does. I love the size of this dudes ego. Sheen made $2 Mill an episode on 2 and a half men. He would be picked up for a reality show so fast it would make your fuckin head spin. Imagine tuning in every Tuesday night to watch Sheen hang with ball players, make appearances, do insane amounts of drugs, bang playboy playmates and watch Jaws while on a boat to get that special Charlie Sheen 4-D effect. Shit, I would pay money to watch this show once a week. Fuck 2 and a half men. That teenage chubby kid on the show was annoying as fuck anyway.
Fight was pretty even till the dude in the nut hugger jeans got atomic dropped into the fence/cement. He then proceeded to get stomped the fuck out for the next 10 seconds. I'm not sure if turtling on the ground while you are getting booted in the head is a good strategy, but what the fuck do i know.
I hate this move. Nenad Kristic is a soft bitch. Jeff Green does replace the need for a swing man with the Daniels injury and Ainge should know him well considering he drafted him. I know Perkins is in the last year of his deal but gimme a break. Dwight Howard was quoted as saying Perkins is the toughest guy he has to play against. Those words are coming from the best center in the league. Celtics got dominated on the boards once Perk went down in the NBA Finals last year against the Lakers. Thats why they went out and got Jermaine O'Neal and Shaquille O'Neal as back up for Perkins until he got back. Well, Perks not coming back now. Danny Ainge has made great moves as the Celtics GM, but I am not sure this is one of them.
Perkins is a beast. Boston fans love players that show emotion and that nothing means more to them than getting the "W."
Am I a pussy cause this video made my eyes watery?
UPDATE: Great Quote from Kevin Manix Twitter "It's understandable if Danny Ainge wants to start thinking about the future. But you can't help but feel he detonated the present."
Former "Jersey Shore" castmate Angelina Pivarnick is officially returning to TV next month ... but there's also good news -- she'll be in a wrestling ring! So ... she could catch a beating and stuff
Sources close to Angelina tells us after a month of negotiations she finally signed a contract with TNA Wrestling earlier this week.
We're told the "Staten Island Dump" will make her debut in a tag team match involving TNA's Snooki-a-like ... "Cookie."
The Dump hits the mat on next week's episode of iMPACT on Spike TV. We're told Angelina only has a short term contract -- for now -- but long-term ... she'd like to settle her beef with Jwoww with a Pay-Per-View match.
Shit like this just pisses me off. You know how long I have been dreaming about becoming a wrestler? Fuck this cunt. This bitch wasn't stealing Pay Per View events with a black box in the early 90's. She wasn't practicing her sharp shooter and figure 4 leg locks on her sister. She didn't have an Ultimate Warrior doll she would drop a flying elbow on from jumping of the top of her bunk bed. She wasn't giving the family dog DDT's into the floor.You know who did all those things? This guy. I have been working on my wresting skills since I was 5. My wresting name would be Kevin Wayside. I would come to the ring in a Black and Grey tights. My entrance music would be Dr. Feel Good by Motley Crue. Before I enter the ring I would walk over to the crowd, find the hottest chick and make out with her. My 2 finishing moves would be called the "Mass Pike" and the "Bourne Bridge." I would be the hottest thing to hit the WWE since Shawn Michael's.
Keep your head on a swivel Staten Island Dump, Kevin Wayside is coming for you.
You go girl. See this is what happens when you don't let your kids watch Jersey Shore. They actually get some morals. This chick isn't looking for any handouts. Man comes running out looking to get married before she has her shit together he is going to get checked the fuck down. If he doesn't want to wait for her then he can go fuck himself. She gonna do her first and then if she has time maybe she will work a man in at the end. Miss Independent just breaking hearts of kidergatners all accross america.
Reports that former Bruins defenseman Shane Hnidy is with the club in B.C. and is practicing with the squad in hopes of signing an NHL deal with the Bruins. As written here the last couple of days, the Bruins are in need of bolstering their depth along the blueline, especially after wheeling away Mark Stuart to the Atlanta Thrashers as part of the deal that brought Rich Peverley to Boston. Hnidy, 35, left the Bruins after the 2008-'09 season and signed as a free agent with the Wild.
Love this move. Any time you can have the Sheriff as your 6th or 7th defenseman you are looking good. He's pretty sound in his own zone and the dude didn't get the nick name "the sheriff" for skating through the neutral zone la-de-da like Blake Wheeler. Dudes tough as nails and a physical presence in front of the net. It would be great to have him back.
Takinga cue from Mo'Nique, Sports Illustrated cover girl/Cristiano Ronaldo's super hot girlfriend Irina Shayk proudly showed off her sexy hairy legs in L.A. on Tuesday.
Comon dude, its just a little peach fuzz. To be honest, this chick could have hairy armpits and a huge afro beave and I would still hit that like there is no tomorrow. Sometimes you have to weed through the jungle to find the finest fruits.
Meet fromer Red Sox Firtbaseman and current Brockton Rox manager Bill Buckner at Sharky's Cantina in Edgartown. On Saturday, May 14th, 6:30 to 9:00 p.m. Only 100 Tickets Availeble Admision: $45 Donation. All Attendees will recieve an autograsped Sharks program and a Curt Shilling "Bobble Ankle" figurine.
$45 is a little steep for me. Ya, ya, I know they are throwing in that sweet Curt Shilling "bobble ankle" doll leftover from the Brockton Rox game in 2005 but its still too much. Plus, what the fuck do you say to this guy? There is only one image and question that pops in your head when you think of him and we all know what that is. Sure you will be chill for most of the night. Just sitting back you and Bill pounding Quesadillas and chicken wings for hours. You'd chat about the Sox new additions of Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford. Maybe even crack a few jokes and see if Bill ever thought of making a porno with that Ron Jeremy stache he's always sported. Before you know it 8:45 rolls around and those 8 Black Cherry Mojitos you killed are going right to your head. You were cool all night and then it happens. The room starts to spin and you have one more question to ask as you stumble out on to the streets of Edgartown...
"Hey Bill. You.. You... You remember that time in 1986 when the ball went between your legs? Ya... that was awesome."
FALMOUTH – A local couple is facing several charges after allegedly assaulting each other with a knife during a dispute over some Chicken McNuggets, according to court records.
Just after midnight Sunday, the Falmouth police arrested Xiomarie Black, 20, and Edward Collado, 31, both of Falmouth, after the pair allegedly stabbed each other during a fight in their apartment.
The fight began, records state, when Collado and Black went to the McDonald's restaurant on Teaticket Highway with two friends and began arguing.
Back at their apartment, Collado allegedly attempted to take some of Black's McNuggets, and the couple began fighting, records state.
After the alleged fight, Black left in a car with the two friends while Collado went to the nearby Holiday Inn to call the police, according to records.
When the police picked up Collado and Black separately, Black had scratches from a knife on her chest and red marks on her neck consistent with strangulation, court records state. Collado had suffered a bite and a slash wound to his hand.
Black and Collado told the Falmouth police contradicting stories about who had the knife first, but a friend who was in the apartment at the time said Collado first grabbed the steak knife and was sliced in the hand when Black attempted to take it away, court documents state.
Is this really a story? Anyone reading this knows the mini panic attack that overcomes you when someone tries to take one of your Chicken McNuggets. It usually starts with the other person talking and eating evenutaly they say "Oh look at that wired looking guy over there!" Like an idiot you look. Druing this distraction, your girl swoopes in and steals one of your last two McNuggets. She chuckles to herself and smiles at you. Your first reaction is to head butt her right in the face or give her a Rick Flair knife edge chop to the chest. You only have this thought for 3 seconds max. We all know Those first few seconds of a McNuggets theft can inspire pure rage. Put it this way, If a baby rolled out of the ball pit and took one of my Nuggs, I wouldn't hesitate one iota to punt that baby clear across the room. Fuck off baby, get your own McNuggets.
Derek Jeter's $7.7 million, nearly 31,000 square foot waterfront mega-home in Tampa has been completed ... and it's unbelievable.
The ridiculous estate features two 3-car garages, a swimming pool, a billiards room, a memorabilia room, 9 bathrooms and 7 bedrooms for Jeter and girlfriend Minka Kelly to use at their discretion.
Welcome to St. Jetersburg!
Listen, I fuckin hate the Yankees just as much as every other Masshole does. But what the fuck is Hank Steinbrenner beef with Jeters Mansion? Calm down dude. Guy is the face of your fuckin franchise, hes won you world series titles and has managed to keep himself out of the tabloids for anything even remotely close to risque while playing in NYC and dating some of the hottest women in the world. The first bad season he has at the plate you want to shit on him and say hes not focused?
So he was busy banging Minka Kelly while building a 31,000 square foot "mega-home" on the water. Can you blame him? Shit looks like the friggin mansion Tony Montana lived at.
Jesus Christ Hank. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
After Ellis Hobbs sustained a serious neck injury during a difficult-to-watch kick return collision in October, there were whispers that he might retire. Now, it looks as though he will. In this NFC East offseason look on FoxSports, Adam Caplan writes that the former Patriot will likely be forced to call it a career at just 27 years old:The veteran cornerback will retire because of his second serious neck injury in the past two seasons. This one, a source said, will end his career because it’s higher up in his neck. He has a pretty good career in broadcasting waiting if he wants to pursue it. He gave excellent analysis during the season on Comcast Sportsnet Philadelphia after he got hurt. After four seasons with the Pats, who made him a third-round draft pick in 2005, Hobbs was traded to Philadelphia on draft weekend in 2009. Though he missed just one of 64 games during his time with the Patriots, Hobbs played in eight games each last year and this year due to injuries.
Say it ain't so. I missed him when he left New England. Just wasn't the same with out hearing Ellis refer to himself in the 3rd person during every interview. He played through a ton of injuries and could return kicks with the best of him. But, what I will remember him most for is that sweet Rotmans commercial.
I didn't think there was a more annoying furniture guy than late "My Deans Home Furniture" or the current "Bob's Discount Furniture" guy. However, I forgot about this Rotmans douche.
PS. Quick story. One time I pulled up to Ellis at a traffic light in Franklin druing the summer. All his windows were down and his head was just sticking out the window like a dog nodding to the music that was cranking from his black SUV sitting on '22's. He was grinning from ear to ear just jamming the fuck out. No doubt, Ellis Hobbs loved him some Ellis Hobbs.
Seriously. How many beers deep do you have to be to let your buddy punch you right in the fuckin face? I see videos like these all the time and I don't get what the dude getting knocked the fuck out gets out of it. Like no way this can turn good. Chicks don't want to bang dudes at parties with golf ball size lumps on their heads and have the title of getting "one punched" all night. On the flip side, the dude in the red shirt that knocked this kid out has a one night pass to all the pussy he wants. Just make sure in this equation you are that guy.
Oh, I belive that sound you heard was "one punched" getting his head rocked off a keg on the way to the ground.
Just Look at these fuckin beasts. I would start training them now for next year. Why all you assholes are shoveling out your cars after another snow storm I will already be out and about with my 7 horses pulling me down the street. Have theses sons of bitches bring my sled right through the drive through at Dunkin's. After, we would all go home, drink hot chocolate and roll around together in this big ass pen.
A California school district is using GPS devices to keep tabs on students with a history of cutting class.
As part of a volunteer six-week pilot program, the Anaheim Union High School District is outfitting seventh and eighth grade students with more than three unexcused absences this school year with handheld GPS devices, the OC Register reported.
The students then get an automated phone call every school day reminding them to get to school on time and are required to enter a code that tracks their location during their departure for school, arrival at school, lunch period, departure from school and at 8 p.m, the paper reported.
They also get assigned a coach who checks in with them at least three times a day and helps ensure they get to class on time.
In exchange for their participation, students avoid other consequences like continuation school or prosecution, the Register reported.
About 75 students are taking part in the roughly $18,000 program, which is funded by a state grant, the paper reported.
After the six weeks, district officials will determine whether to expand the program to high schools and other junior highs.
What kind of tool bag students agreed to do this project? And, what 8th grader wants a GPS telling them what they should be doing at all hours of the day? You've got to be shitting me with this project. I got something that told me to get up to go to school. It was called my alarm clock followed by my mom telling me to get my friggin ass out of bed. Its not that complicated. 8th graders don't need a gps phone and a "get to class on time coach." They need their parents to tell them to smarten the fuck up and they then need to check in with the school personally to follow up. If the parents can't deal with this than mommy shouldn't have taken her birth control like vitamin chewables and daddy should have pulled out that one steamy night in Atlantic City back in '97.
$18,000 dollars on a program that basically supports shitty parenting. Unbelievable.
Kobe Bryant is hosting an ULTRA-exclusive Hollywood party during All-Star weekend -- but TMZ has learned everyone in the VIP section must pass a "screening process" before they'll be allowed near the NBA superstar Saturday night.
The party is supposed to be INSANE -- with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman's Chinese Theater earlier that day.
But not just any schmuck with a wad of cash will be allowed to get all schmoozy with Kobe -- event producer Jeru Tillman tells us they will have a vigorous screening process for anyone who wants to purchase a VIP table near Kobe's private section.
And for the fans who can't cross the VIP rope ... we're told there will be plenty of other cool stuff at the party -- including a 15-foot custom made dragon.
A vigorous screening process just to be in the mere presences of the great Kobe Bryant? What are the qualifications that get you through? You have to either have lots of money or be an attractive 19-year old hotel employee from Eagle Colorado? Great that this guy is getting his ego stroked even more by getting his hands and feet enshrined at the Chinese Theater. Is there a less likable athlete in all of sports? This is the only guy in the NBA you see on camera kiss his wife and kids in the tunnel right after every game. Think of how many other athletes you have seen do that once let alone every game night. This guys image is a joke. Fabricated and rebuilt for all of us to believe he is a nice family man. Fuckin guy makes me sick
Shit! There is going to be a 15 foot custom made dragon for people to see that can't get into the VIP section? Nice, I'm sure you can also get to hangout with all those diddlers wandering the streets in Superman and Spiderman costumes too.
No, this bitterness has nothing to do with the fact I am from Boston.
Get the fuck away from me Elmo. I'm not in the mood
Fuck this asshole with the hat on. What is he 80 lbs? Ya, you're the man brother. Thumbs up for sucker punching the biggest pussy on earth. Is that even a punch? Looks more like a bitch ass open hand slap to the chin. This has to be the one of the worst example of a sucker punch. You want to really fuck someone up? You superkick them right in the face after you shake their hand and then throw them through a barber shop window. Watch and take notes douche-bag in the black hat. This is how you get it done.
According to a league source, Tomas Kaberle is on the verge of being a Bruin. The Bruins would acquire Kaberle from Toronto for Joe Colborne and their own 2011 first-round pick. The Kaberle trade would require the Bruins to make one or two cap-clearing moves to bring on the defenseman. Potential targets include Blake Wheeler, Andrew Ference, Mark Stuart, and Johnny Boychuk. If the Bruins can't clear enough salary, it's possible the Kaberle deal gets scuttled once more.
Before I get a sports boner I need to make sure this deal is official. But If the deal is for Colborne and the Bruins own first round draft pick I will be in heaven. The Bruins would then have the ammunition to make another trade (Assuming they could clear proper cap space) to go out and get a Brad Richards from Dallas. Hopefully we will learn more as the day goes on.
Mark, you're going to just sit there and take that shit from Belinda? Have some self respect bro. It's clear Belinda was once addicted to what the dick did. You need to get your bitch in line.
Seriously though, have you ever seen someone so paralyzed by a comment in you're life? Mark looked like a fuckin deer in headlights. Well played by Belinda. This is my kinda chick. Quick witted, Australian accent, DTF and oozing with confidence. Just look at her stare during that delivery. "Well Mark, you would know about that... Thank you very much." Boom, Roasted! Mark's not coming back from that.
DOWNEY (KTLA) – An L.A. County employee apparently died while working in her cubicle on Friday, but no one noticed for quite some time. 51-year-old Rebecca Wells was found by a security guard on Saturday afternoon. She was slumped over on her desk in the L.A. County Department of Internal Services. The exact time of death is not clear, but detectives say that, at worst, she had been dead for a day before her body was discovered. The last time a co-worker saw her alive was Friday morning around 9:00 a.m., according to Downy police detectives. Wells, a USC graduate, was a longtime compliance auditor, and had recently become a grandmother, according to co-workers
I know everyone in the world has read and or written about this story already. I wanted to earlier, but it was going to bring back haunting memories of my days in the 4 prison walls people like to call a "cubicle." Literally a year ago, from my cube I wrote about what it was like to be in that prison. To re-write this blog would not give it the full justice it deserves. Its kinda sad looking back this is how I spend 40 hours of my life each week. No one will truly know how much I despise cubicles and the toll it took on me.
No It wasn't Christmas. This was taken in July. I was so depressed in there I just left my Christmas stuff up year round. And yes I have one computer for work and one computer for facebook creeping.
Written FEB 3rd 2010 From My Cubicle Located in a Basement in Fair Lawn, NJ
When you’re going through elementary school you are always posed with questions by your family and teachers. The one question that is asked the most is “what do you want to be when you grow up.” Usually kids respond with “I want to be a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Fireman, Policeman a Football player!” Nobody ever says “I want to work in a cubicle when I grow up.”
God, who would want to work in a cubicle? Every job description in a cubicle could be the exact same. Would sound something like “ Would you like to sit in a 3 ft by 4ft box for and spend 8 hours talking to no one and staring in to a computer screen so you can go blind in 5 years? If you answered yes than this fuckin job is for you!”
If you are fortunate enough to have a cubicle job you will have 2 parts of the day that you like. One when you go out for lunch and two when you step out the door to go home.
On your commute into work you hope for one thing that can keep you out of the office, which is traffic. When I get stuck in traffic my face lights up like an 8 year old girl at a Taylor Swift concert. In fact, I pray for traffic! I pray that I get stuck in traffic like I'm on 495 headed to the Cape on a Friday summer afternoon at 6:15PM bound for the Bourne Bridge with 2 fuckin lanes backed up 12 miles. Anything that can keep me out of the Cubes is a pure blessing from God.
When I show up to the office building I walk slower than if I was going to a colonoscopy appointment. There’s always the little cunt that has to speed walk right by you just so she can eventually wait for the same fuckin elevator that you are. Everyone waiting for the elevator either stares at the ground or stares at the numbers flashing above the elevator as it comes down.
As soon as the elevator doors close and everyone gets in and people have little mini panic attacks cause so many anti social fucks are rubbing up against them. People take out their phones and write fake text messages; Guys rumble through bags looking for nothing, girls are rummaging through purses hoping to find a magical way out of this elevator. If your lucky, you’ll get in an elevator that has mirrors on the doors so we can all try to avoid looking straight ahead at people we don’t want to talk to. Sweet.
When you show up to any large cubicle office it is filled with rows of cubicles which is sometimes called a "cubicle farm." There are unwritten rules of cubicle farms. One of them is you only talk to people in your own row. Nobody tells you this shit when you first start working, it's just something you learn. Try to talk to someone in a different row and they will look at you like your fly is down and one of your nuts are hanging out. Similar to not stealing bases in a baseball game if you are up by 7 runs. It’s not an offical rule, but you better not fuckin do it.
As you sit down in your 3 mental walls of hell aka the cubicle, you will eventually be annoyed by a shopping list of things that you can’t control. First is the temperature in the office. 75 percent of people are not physically comfortable in the office. One douche-bag has his jacket on cause he’s cold (me) and another SOB has a fan on cause he’s hot. This is great cause you have to sit in this uncomfortable hell for another 7 hours and 45 min so this should make you feel real relaxed and be able to focus on your work.
Lets take a look at the other annoying cubicle farm dwellers…
The cunt that thinks she is the shit talks 10 octaves higher than everyone else in the office. This bitch loves to talk on speaker phone all day so she can “Multitask.” She likes to talk about her personal life in every god dam phone call. ( nobody wants to hear about your friggin kid loosing her shovel in the sand box.). She has a fall back phrase she likes to reiterate all the time. An example could be starting every phone call with. “Hiiiiigh! How are yoooooou? I’m Gooood!” Listen bitch, nobody is that excited or happy to fuckin be here. Tone it down.
The guy that always has to talk to you even though you have nothing to talk about. This asshole loves to talk to you in the elevator and also talk to you while you're both taking pisses standing at a urinal (Also an unwritten rule you learn when your 12)
The lady that’s been with the company 20 years. She thinks she owns the place. This hag is sick every single week. She spends all day coughing and hacking up the same flem over and over again. You just want to walk over to her, smack her in the face and say, “Go to the Bathroom and spit that shit OUT!”
The girl that sneezes every fuckin day around 4pm. When she sneezes she actually says the word “Ahh-Chew.” Is that even a fuckin sneeze? If you actually say the word Ahh-Chew when you sneeze you should be crop dusted by some guy in the office. Bang! new unwritten rule.
You can try and block these people out and focus on your work and there is only one way to do it. Rock some head phones. I am so annoyed at all the sounds at work, that by 11:30 I have a CD’s ready to go with Pandora and youtube pulled up. I’m switching through Songs so fast and loud I look like Pauly D spinning at Club Karma.
When its time to leave the Cubes it feels like you are getting released from prison. You spent all day in a box, nobody talks to you, the food sucks and you are physically uncomfortable all day. Other than that workin in the cubes is the balls.
This blog is dedicated to everyone struggling in the cubes. I feel your pain. Invest in some high quality head phones, take long lunch breaks, pray for the weekend because tomorrow in the cubes will be a repeat of today.
Ps. Even though I am out of the cubes a little part of me will always be dead from my time I spent there.
