Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: 100 Percent Chance This Chick Goes Down on Me and This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

Last night in my cab was a fuckin shit show. Like I can’t even make this shit up. It’s nights like this where I think to myself what in the everliving fuck am I doing with my life? When I say I babysit drunk people for a living I’m not kidding.

Story time kids. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go…

10:15PM

Nothing Fight: “100 percent chance This Chick Goes Down on Me”

This couple gets into my cab seemingly in a good mood, that is until the guy tries to act like a cocky fuck. I’m only about 30 seconds into the ride as I chat with the couple the guy chimes in and most certainly must have been the worst self cockblock I have ever seen. As he sits there with his backwards hat, white button down shirt and pink shorts he looks at me in the rearview mirror and goes “we had a great night… There’s a 100 percent chance this chick is going down on me tonight.”

The girl he’s with smacks him in the arm and replies, “what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m not going anywhere near you when we get home. Who the fuck talks like that?”

Dude might as well just cut his dick off now. Chicks hate nothing more than to hear one man announce to another man that he is going to get a BJ from her while she is in their presence. From that point on this chick was verbally lambasting this guy. I just kept my mouth shut and watch the fireworks explode. Once I got to their house the chick got right out and walked toward the front door. The guy stayed behind, paid the tab and just before he shut the taxi door he looks me dead in the eyes, smiles and goes “dude, there’s still a 100 percent chance I’m getting my dick wet when I go inside.”

Fight the good fight my friend.

11:30PM

This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

These 2 guys come up to my cab and ask for a ride over to West Tisbury. One of the guys is a dead ringer for fuckin Vince Neil. I must of stared at him for like 5 seconds strait before I opened my mouth to reply to him cause I thought I was in the presence of Motley Crue. Anyway, this Vince Neil lookin dude and his buddy where shithoused. They barely could get into the cab.

As we pull away I almost hit a skunk in the road which prompts Vince Neil to start telling a 20 minute story about how a skunk got into is house and he “Fuckin blew it’s head clear of it’s fuckin body.” This guy was getting so intense telling this story that it was starting to freak me the fuck out. It also didn’t help that the whole time he was talking I had “Dr. Feel Good” playing in my head.

 I drive these guys down this long as dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Vince and his buddy finally finish his skunk killing story which included quotes such as: “Bro, it sprayed three times in my house, but the 4th time it was about to spray I blew its fuckin head off with my gun.” Also this heartwarming gem, “His fuckin head was separated from his body. Shit was awesome man, I fucked that skunk up!”

 Once the story was done and we were a mile deep down this remote dirt road the guys start talking even stanger. I go, “hey, you guys are out in the middle of fuckin nowhere huh?” Other guy goes, “ya, we can get away with anything we want out here. We could murder people out here and get away with it.”

I give the most awkward, forced laugh in my life and then shit my pants. I was convinced that Vince Neil and his buddy were going to kill me deep in the woods of West Tisbury. Was this how my life was going to end? Not really how I want to go out...

Thank god 2 minutes later we were at their house. Vince Neil stumbles on his way out of the cab and smacks his head on the side of the sliding passenger door and falls to one knee on the ground. His creepy buddy pays me and tries to talk my ear off for another minute. I drove away so fast after he shut the door that I ended up getting lost down a wrong dirt road for about a half hour. I was driving down roads that look like scenes from muthafuckin Blair Witch Project. Somehow I survived and escaped being murdered in my taxi. I can't wait to see what fuckin characters Friday night brings. (Shoot me)

Are These The Douchiest Pair of Sandals You Have Ever Seen In Your Life? I Hope So

When you've spent a number of Summers on the Vineyard you can't help but want to dress up when you go into Edgartown. In fact, if you don't dress up, you feel like everyone is looking at you with this "who let this dirt-bag into town" look on their faces. Well not me , not anymore.
I'm sure some of you that have never been to Edgartown are thinking I'm over exaggerating this so called "town dress code." Let me present to you exhibit A.

This is a real picture from Edgartown 4th of July parade last year. Pastel colors much? Looks like Easter Sunday meets the local yacht club. Not sure what that little bitch kneeling on the ground is doing but even her 5 year-old ass is decked out in some fashionable Edgartown white pants. Well, on August 12th I join the crew...

On that night I am going out in Edgartown with my family and I am wearing the douchiest outfit I can possibly put together. If you think those sandals are fuckin jive, wait to you see my white pants and whatever pastel shirt I decide to wear. I want to look so douchey that people in Edgartown look at me and go "wow, that guy over did it a little bit huh?" If I don't look like a combination of Carlton Banks + Zack Morris + some dude that owns a 10 million dollar yacht in Edgartown harbor than I have failed at my ultimate goal.

Get ready Edgartown. Not sure if you've seen people who are fucked up enough to reach the level of douchiness that my family and I are about to reach.

VIDEO: Baby Falls Asleep While Singing/Listening To Metallica

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This is why I don't have a kid. I'd be putting it to sleep every night trying to play Living On a Prayer from my shitty 6 string acoustic. My baby would have the entire Slippery When Wet album memorized by the time it was 3.

Why is this dad so creepy at the end? Stop lookin at me like that bro, you're buggin me the fuck out.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Honey, Don't Touch My Radio or I Will Eye Fuck The Shit Out Of You

It happens every muthafuckin Friday night without fail. Some shitfaced tourist gets into the front passenger seat of my cab and insists on touching my radio. You know, that’s not even the right description. These cunts physically assault my radio.

Exibit A: Friday night at 1:30 AM

So I’m in the center of Oak Bluffs or as the tourists like to call it “Oaks Bluffs” and I get flagged down for a fair of about 10 people. I pull over into a parking spot and let these dozen or so shitfaced gremlins hop in my cab. Before I can pull away one of the chicks in back yells out, “don’t leave yet! We got to wait for Suzie!”

Suzie is about 20 yards away, holding hands with some cocksmoch with this “I’m getting some pussy tonight” shit eating grin on his face. I have no idea why but I wanted to get out of my cab and superkick this guy right in the dick. Anyway, Suzie and her man come walking over to the cab and then kinda stare at each other while all her friends in the cab yell out shit such as “Make out with him! Hurry the fuck up! And my favorite, “lets fuckin go, it’s not like you are going to do anything anyway.”

This goes on for about 5 min. At this point I am ready to go, these fucks are wasting my time and time is money. I chime in and yell out the open side door. “Lets go bro, time to bust a move!” Dude looks at me with this “hang on one sec buddy" look and holds up a finger at me. Now for a split second I really almost got out of the cab and smashed my walkie talkie off the side of his fuckin head. (it’s 4th of July week on the Vineyard, you don’t know anger and frustration with people until you’ve walked in my taxi driving shoes.)

Fuckin Casanova, finally busts a move on Suzie. Everyone in the cab chants and hollers at them. After Suzie is done making out she hops in the front passenger. Yay. Lucky me.

I drive like 10 seconds down the road and shitfaced Suzie leans over to me and goes “I don’t even like that guy, I just made out with him cause he was nice.” Really there sweet tits? That’s fuckin it? You’re telling me all I have to do is be nice to chicks, even if I look like a douche-bag and I can make out with them in the center of Oaks Bluffs while everyone chants my name? It’s that easy huh?

I look at her and go “really? Dude kinda seemed like a tool box.” Drunk Suzie leans back over too me, 5 inches from my face as I’m driving and goes “And I have a boyfriend. But this guy was just too nice to resist.”

First off Suzie, why don’t you scooch the fuck back in your seat a little so I don’t have smell what mister nice guy had for dinner. Then, as like most cunts in my front seat do, Suzie says “Let me be the DJ! I want to find some beats to jam out to on the radio!”

Fuck me. Not only do I have to have this bitch talk 5 inches from my face the whole ride home but I have to also make sure she doesn’t blow out my speakers as we drive up island jamming out to Call Me Maybe.

  

So the whole ride up to West Tisbury Suzie is talking my fuckin ear off. Each time getting closer and closer. At one point I literally thought that Suzie was going to try and make-out with me while I was driving. It’s ok though, because Mrs. Shotgun DJ was wearing a low-cut shirt and I was getting a free peep show. I kept acting like a gave a fuck about what she was saying but in all honesty I just wanted her to keep leaning into me so I could get a better view.

 I continued to eye fuck Suzie for 20 minutes until I dropped her and all her drunk friends off. I over charged them, took all of their money and sweet talked Suzie gaining a few more cheep glances as we said our goodbyes and I gave her a high-five.

I mean, may have a master’s degree and I'm a good guy and all, but I’ve been a cabbie for way to long now. What was that saying in the Dark Knight? “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”