Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Honey, Don't Touch My Radio or I Will Eye Fuck The Shit Out Of You

It happens every muthafuckin Friday night without fail. Some shitfaced tourist gets into the front passenger seat of my cab and insists on touching my radio. You know, that’s not even the right description. These cunts physically assault my radio.

Exibit A: Friday night at 1:30 AM

So I’m in the center of Oak Bluffs or as the tourists like to call it “Oaks Bluffs” and I get flagged down for a fair of about 10 people. I pull over into a parking spot and let these dozen or so shitfaced gremlins hop in my cab. Before I can pull away one of the chicks in back yells out, “don’t leave yet! We got to wait for Suzie!”

Suzie is about 20 yards away, holding hands with some cocksmoch with this “I’m getting some pussy tonight” shit eating grin on his face. I have no idea why but I wanted to get out of my cab and superkick this guy right in the dick. Anyway, Suzie and her man come walking over to the cab and then kinda stare at each other while all her friends in the cab yell out shit such as “Make out with him! Hurry the fuck up! And my favorite, “lets fuckin go, it’s not like you are going to do anything anyway.”

This goes on for about 5 min. At this point I am ready to go, these fucks are wasting my time and time is money. I chime in and yell out the open side door. “Lets go bro, time to bust a move!” Dude looks at me with this “hang on one sec buddy" look and holds up a finger at me. Now for a split second I really almost got out of the cab and smashed my walkie talkie off the side of his fuckin head. (it’s 4th of July week on the Vineyard, you don’t know anger and frustration with people until you’ve walked in my taxi driving shoes.)

Fuckin Casanova, finally busts a move on Suzie. Everyone in the cab chants and hollers at them. After Suzie is done making out she hops in the front passenger. Yay. Lucky me.

I drive like 10 seconds down the road and shitfaced Suzie leans over to me and goes “I don’t even like that guy, I just made out with him cause he was nice.” Really there sweet tits? That’s fuckin it? You’re telling me all I have to do is be nice to chicks, even if I look like a douche-bag and I can make out with them in the center of Oaks Bluffs while everyone chants my name? It’s that easy huh?

I look at her and go “really? Dude kinda seemed like a tool box.” Drunk Suzie leans back over too me, 5 inches from my face as I’m driving and goes “And I have a boyfriend. But this guy was just too nice to resist.”

First off Suzie, why don’t you scooch the fuck back in your seat a little so I don’t have smell what mister nice guy had for dinner. Then, as like most cunts in my front seat do, Suzie says “Let me be the DJ! I want to find some beats to jam out to on the radio!”

Fuck me. Not only do I have to have this bitch talk 5 inches from my face the whole ride home but I have to also make sure she doesn’t blow out my speakers as we drive up island jamming out to Call Me Maybe.

  

So the whole ride up to West Tisbury Suzie is talking my fuckin ear off. Each time getting closer and closer. At one point I literally thought that Suzie was going to try and make-out with me while I was driving. It’s ok though, because Mrs. Shotgun DJ was wearing a low-cut shirt and I was getting a free peep show. I kept acting like a gave a fuck about what she was saying but in all honesty I just wanted her to keep leaning into me so I could get a better view.

 I continued to eye fuck Suzie for 20 minutes until I dropped her and all her drunk friends off. I over charged them, took all of their money and sweet talked Suzie gaining a few more cheep glances as we said our goodbyes and I gave her a high-five.

I mean, may have a master’s degree and I'm a good guy and all, but I’ve been a cabbie for way to long now. What was that saying in the Dark Knight? “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”