Story time kids. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go…
10:15PM
Nothing Fight: “100 percent chance This Chick Goes Down on Me”
This couple gets into my cab seemingly in a good mood, that is until the guy tries to act like a cocky fuck. I’m only about 30 seconds into the ride as I chat with the couple the guy chimes in and most certainly must have been the worst self cockblock I have ever seen. As he sits there with his backwards hat, white button down shirt and pink shorts he looks at me in the rearview mirror and goes “we had a great night… There’s a 100 percent chance this chick is going down on me tonight.”
The girl he’s with smacks him in the arm and replies, “what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m not going anywhere near you when we get home. Who the fuck talks like that?”
Dude might as well just cut his dick off now. Chicks hate nothing more than to hear one man announce to another man that he is going to get a BJ from her while she is in their presence. From that point on this chick was verbally lambasting this guy. I just kept my mouth shut and watch the fireworks explode. Once I got to their house the chick got right out and walked toward the front door. The guy stayed behind, paid the tab and just before he shut the taxi door he looks me dead in the eyes, smiles and goes “dude, there’s still a 100 percent chance I’m getting my dick wet when I go inside.”
Fight the good fight my friend.
11:30PM
This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me
These 2 guys come up to my cab and ask for a ride over to West Tisbury. One of the guys is a dead ringer for fuckin Vince Neil. I must of stared at him for like 5 seconds strait before I opened my mouth to reply to him cause I thought I was in the presence of Motley Crue. Anyway, this Vince Neil lookin dude and his buddy where shithoused. They barely could get into the cab.
As we pull away I almost hit a skunk in the road which prompts Vince Neil to start telling a 20 minute story about how a skunk got into is house and he “Fuckin blew it’s head clear of it’s fuckin body.” This guy was getting so intense telling this story that it was starting to freak me the fuck out. It also didn’t help that the whole time he was talking I had “Dr. Feel Good” playing in my head.
I drive these guys down this long as dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Vince and his buddy finally finish his skunk killing story which included quotes such as: “Bro, it sprayed three times in my house, but the 4th time it was about to spray I blew its fuckin head off with my gun.” Also this heartwarming gem, “His fuckin head was separated from his body. Shit was awesome man, I fucked that skunk up!”
Once the story was done and we were a mile deep down this remote dirt road the guys start talking even stanger. I go, “hey, you guys are out in the middle of fuckin nowhere huh?” Other guy goes, “ya, we can get away with anything we want out here. We could murder people out here and get away with it.”
I give the most awkward, forced laugh in my life and then shit my pants. I was convinced that Vince Neil and his buddy were going to kill me deep in the woods of West Tisbury. Was this how my life was going to end? Not really how I want to go out...
Thank god 2 minutes later we were at their house. Vince Neil stumbles on his way out of the cab and smacks his head on the side of the sliding passenger door and falls to one knee on the ground. His creepy buddy pays me and tries to talk my ear off for another minute. I drove away so fast after he shut the door that I ended up getting lost down a wrong dirt road for about a half hour. I was driving down roads that look like scenes from muthafuckin Blair Witch Project. Somehow I survived and escaped being murdered in my taxi. I can't wait to see what fuckin characters Friday night brings. (Shoot me)
