Before we dive into this blog let me just start of my saying I love 4th of July Weekend. You have cookouts, beer, hot women dressed in daisy duke shorts and amreican flags flying all over the place. I mean whats not to love? I love everything that has to do with 4th of July except one thing. I hate fireworks. Like I think they are the biggest waste of time in the world. Here’s whats gonna happen, Bright lights are going to flash in the sky and large boom sound will crash like thunder end everyone will “oooo” and “aaaah” everytime a firework goes off that looks like a weeping willow. I mean shit is the same thing every year right? Am I missing something? I don’t do fireworks. Chances are you do, and that would mean you fall into one these following catefgories…
Old People
Hey, lets face it. You’re just counting down the says until you kick the can. The only time you make it out of the house is to go shopping, holidays or to the doctors office. When the local town has its “big” 4th of July celebration you decide to grab a few lounge chairs, an american flag and methodically make your way to the event. By the time the fireworks go off at 9 pm. You are 2 hours past bedtime and have a 100 percent chance of crashing your car into another parked car or running over a few kids on your way out. Whatever happens first.
Parents/Children
Anytime there is an event that you can let you kids run wild without really supervising them you’re all for it. Second only to the ball pit at McDonalds, 4th of July is an event for you to hand your kids a sparkler and tell them to go run free. Why you and the Wilsons crush budlights and talk about how much you hate the new lady that just moved in down the street, little Suzy and Billy are shooting sparks in peoples faces with the other neighborhood children. Your kids are so High on Cotton Candy and Mike and Ikes they might as well of had a turbo Ice Coffee from Dunkins'. Once they form a large enough group they run around spraying everything in sight with silly string. Eventually, one of these little Gremlins will decided it’s a good idea to eat his glow stick and the rest of them will soon follow suit. Good luck getting these fuckers to bed. Have fun in the ER later.
Middle School and High School Kids
When you are in middle school and high school the 4th of July is like the Summer Super Bowl of trying to get you dick wet. The back drop of the even just screams 2 in the pink one in the stink. You have a nostalgic moment, set in the dark, alone on a blanket on a warm summers eve night. This setting just screams finger blasting and hand jobs. If you’re a guy in middle school and you don’t have a sticky middle and index finger by 9:30 on 4th of July night you should walk home with your head down. You sir have failed.
People Lost in
These are the people in their 20’s to early 30’s. Your too old to diddle each other on a blanket. You don’t have any kids yet and your not old enough where you think sitting in a field getting eaten by mosquitoes while bright lights flash in the sky is a “good time.” There is this peer pressure that comes to you from all angles telling you that you must go see fireworks at some point this weekend. You could be camping in the woods of Maine, in your home town or down the Cape pounding crab cakes. Regardless, you are getting pressure to live off of or through one of the previously motioned 3 groups. (Don’t fuckin make that face.)
What you like sitting in traffic for an hour, then parking on some big ass field in the middle of nowhere, lugging a blanket, drinks and 2 chairs for 15 minutes only to find there is no spot to fuckin put them? Your only choice is to sit in-between the “parents party” and their group of 15 unsupervised children and the high school couple who just came here to play a little game called “Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.” Sounds like a good time right? Ya, fuckin A Man, I’m getting all jacked up just thinking about it. I might try and find some other 30 year olds who have no kids and no life so we call all sit together and watch all shit go down. By the end of the night the old people will be asleep. The Moms will be so shitfaced you could probably take one home and the high school kid will be so balls deep in Jill from Home ec. he will have no idea you have been filming the whole thing from your cell phone and throwing it on youtube. Ya man lets do this! Look for me, I’ll be the guy at the Edgartown fireworks three sheets to the wind wearing a Vineyard Vines Polo, trying to pick up MILFs who are not watching their children.
What you like sitting in traffic for an hour, then parking on some big ass field in the middle of nowhere, lugging a blanket, drinks and 2 chairs for 15 minutes only to find there is no spot to fuckin put them? Your only choice is to sit in-between the “parents party” and their group of 15 unsupervised children and the high school couple who just came here to play a little game called “Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.” Sounds like a good time right? Ya, fuckin A Man, I’m getting all jacked up just thinking about it. I might try and find some other 30 year olds who have no kids and no life so we call all sit together and watch all shit go down. By the end of the night the old people will be asleep. The Moms will be so shitfaced you could probably take one home and the high school kid will be so balls deep in Jill from Home ec. he will have no idea you have been filming the whole thing from your cell phone and throwing it on youtube. Ya man lets do this! Look for me, I’ll be the guy at the Edgartown fireworks three sheets to the wind wearing a Vineyard Vines Polo, trying to pick up MILFs who are not watching their children.
Happy 4th of July Muthafukers
