1. Children lower your blood pressure
A recent study conducted at Brigham Young University found that parenthood may actually help lower your blood pressure. Researchers at the school hooked up 200 married men and women to blood pressure monitors for 24 hours and found that couples with children had significantly lower blood-pressure readings than those without offspring.
"While caring for children may include daily hassles, deriving a sense of meaning and purpose from life's stress has been shown to be associated with better health outcomes," says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, the lead researcher. "This doesn't mean the more kids you have, the better your blood pressure. The findings are simply tied to parenthood, no matter the number of children or employment status."
Im not buying this notion for one second. Have you ever seen a parent of three children while vacationing? They look like they are ready to step infront of a bus from the amount of stress they are going through. I bet if you asked them they would rather just sit home during the entire vacation then chase these little midgets around the streets all day. Lower blood pressure my ass.
2. Children entitle you to major tax savings
It used to be the only way you could make money off of your children was by sending them into the coal mines. But now, thanks to the IRS, your children allow you to qualify for some very valuable tax savings — a notable hidden benefit of having children. According to one recently published study, the average family can save $3,500 per year simply by claiming child tax credits, education credits, and child- and dependent-care credits.
“These tax credits shouldn’t spur you to have a child,” says U.S. tax attorney Roni Deutch, “but since the projected cost of raising a child to the age of 18 is just shy of $200,000, parents need all the help they can get.”
Wait, did you say $200,000? Ya, if your kid doesnt want to go to college. You might as well fuckin double that number. That sounds like a good time to me. Lets pump out a few babies and have $400,000 of my money earmarked for the next 18 years. You want to buy that new shirt and shoes? Maybe even splurge for that new TV? Sorry, little Billy needs swimming lessons and clothes he is going to grow out of in 4 months. Oh, and kiss those Patriots season tickets good bye. You dont have any money for that.
3. Children get you better parking
Shopping with children is seldom easy, but there is one enormous perk to taking your rug rat to the mall: better parking. Many shopping centers, grocery stores and factory outlets now have parking spaces reserved especially for families and pregnant women. Not only are these spots conveniently located, but they’re also usually vacant. As an added bonus, you can also drive in the HOV lane on your way to the store since even the smallest newborn legally counts as a full-fledged passenger.
Boom! Thats a great reason to have kids. No need for a handicap sticker to park up front now, you can just pop out some kids and get that VIP parking spot!
4. Children keep you sane
Contrary to popular belief, children don’t always drive their parents crazy. In fact, researchers at Taiwan’s Mental Health Foundation claim they may even keep their parents sane well beyond their years. The organization recently interviewed 1,084 randomly selected senior citizens and found that seniors with no children scored 6.4 points lower on a mental health questionnaire than elderly subjects with children.
“The results shows that people who have children are happier and have greater satisfaction and emotional well-being than those without children,” says Tom Yang, the study's lead researcher.
Nothing like repeting grades K-12 through your children. We all remember how much we loved that Spanish class with Mr. Morales. Now you get to take the class all over again by helping you children with thier homework every night. Want to watch the Bruins game, maybe even go to the gym? Too bad, you got flash cards to make mutherfucker. This Spanish vocab aint gonna learn itself.
5. Children renew your thirst for knowledge
Anyone who has children can attest that their child’s favorite word is “why.” Kids constantly want to know the answer to a variety of head-scratching questions like, “Why do a cat’s eyes shine in the dark?”, “Why does it smell so fresh after it rains?” and “Why do Mommy and Daddy always lock their bedroom door on Tuesday nights?” You may not have the answer to all of these queries (well, two-thirds of them anyhow), but they’re sure to get your wheels turning as you attempt to formulate a plausible-sounding response.
Im not gonna bullshit here. If Ray didn't keep his fuckin mouth shut in the back seat I would have never known the human head weighs 8 pounds or that bees and dogs can smell fear.
6. Children make you sexier
Think puppies are the ultimate chick magnet? Think again. Any father will tell you there’s no better way of attracting attention from the fairer sex than by strolling through a park with an adorable baby. Heck, even an ugly baby will do the trick, since most women are responding more to the father’s sense of dedication and maturity than they are to the fruit of his loins. Who knew that a $200 stroller could elicit more oohs and aahs than a $200,000 sports car?
Im not gonna argue with the idea that babies help a guy get his dick wet. My cousins kid is a straight pimp. He's the best wingman I could possibly have. But can't I just babysit to pick up chicks with a kid? I mean what the fuck Fox News. What the hell is the point of a married father taking his kid out to attract chicks? I'm all set with blue balls. And even ugly babies will do? No thanks dude. We all know chicks dig cute babies. Not babies that look like a blocked punt. I'm sorry but this baby isnt fuckin helping my pimp hand
Im not gonna argue with the idea that babies help a guy get his dick wet. My cousins kid is a straight pimp. He's the best wingman I could possibly have. But can't I just babysit to pick up chicks with a kid? I mean what the fuck Fox News. What the hell is the point of a married father taking his kid out to attract chicks? I'm all set with blue balls. And even ugly babies will do? No thanks dude. We all know chicks dig cute babies. Not babies that look like a blocked punt. I'm sorry but this baby isnt fuckin helping my pimp hand
7. Children give you an alibi
Single men often complain that their friends with children never have time to hang out. And while there is some validity to that observation, they fail to realize many parents use their children as a convenient excuse to get out of unwanted social events. So, if your buddy tells you he can’t attend your Jersey Shore marathon because his son has Tibetan whooping cough, there’s a very good chance he didn’t want to go in the first place.
You don't need s kid to get out of unwanted social events. I've been bailing on shit I didn't want to go to for 29 years. Not once did I have the option of using "my kid" as an excuse. And if my buddy tells me he cant come to my Jersey Shore marathon he can go fuck himself.
You don't need s kid to get out of unwanted social events. I've been bailing on shit I didn't want to go to for 29 years. Not once did I have the option of using "my kid" as an excuse. And if my buddy tells me he cant come to my Jersey Shore marathon he can go fuck himself.
8. Children increase your self-esteem
Anyone who has children knows firsthand the satisfaction you get from being told you’re “the best daddy in the whole world.” Those kinds of positive pronouncements can have a profound effect on your self-esteem, allowing you to accomplish tasks you previously thought were impossible.
Well, Lucky for me I dont have this problem. In fact I probably need to have a kid so he can tell me I'm a piece of shit to knock me off of my high horse. If you need a child to pump up your self esteem you are already fucked. Not sure there is too much an 8 year old can tell me to make me feel like im the fuckin man. Hot women increase mens self esteem. A smokeshow telling me I'm the best shes ever had in bed is a hell of a lot better than little Billy telling me im the #1 Dad.
Well, Lucky for me I dont have this problem. In fact I probably need to have a kid so he can tell me I'm a piece of shit to knock me off of my high horse. If you need a child to pump up your self esteem you are already fucked. Not sure there is too much an 8 year old can tell me to make me feel like im the fuckin man. Hot women increase mens self esteem. A smokeshow telling me I'm the best shes ever had in bed is a hell of a lot better than little Billy telling me im the #1 Dad.
9. Children remind you to stop and smell the roses
When was the last time you gazed at the stars or lay on your back watching the passing clouds? Kids engage in these kinds of wholesome activities all the time, and in doing so, they invite you to join them as well. You’ll be amazed at how your cynicism and natural defenses will magically melt away after you begin seeing the world through a child’s eyes.
You know whats a wholesome activity? Crushing bud lights every Sunday while I watch the Patriots dominate the rest of the NFL. Sure having a little mini me dressed in a Brady jersey right next to me would be the shit. But that nostalgia would fly right out the window once he craps his pants on the couch while the Pats are inside the 20 with 30 seconds left in the game.
You know whats a wholesome activity? Crushing bud lights every Sunday while I watch the Patriots dominate the rest of the NFL. Sure having a little mini me dressed in a Brady jersey right next to me would be the shit. But that nostalgia would fly right out the window once he craps his pants on the couch while the Pats are inside the 20 with 30 seconds left in the game.
10. Children make you happier
Parents have long suspected that their offspring make them happier, and now there’s finally proof to support their claims. A study conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research found a direct correlation between children and happiness for parents over the age of 40.
I worked at the YMCA for 7 years where I worked with 60 plus children. Coming to work with the kids made me the happiest mutherfucker in the world. You know what made me even happier? Knowing I didn't have to take them home with me and watch them all night when I left. Forget your schedule, when you have kids its whatever they need whenever they want it. Kiss your "me time" good bye. Sure if your 40 years old your probably board as fuck. Pump out a few mistake babies and then you can just sit home at night and watch them go. Like when you are at a party and there is that moment where all the kids in the room are playing and you find yourself smiling for no reason just staring at the babies. Like the party is beyond dead and you just want to go home but no one wants to make that move so you all just sit around and look at the babies and talk in high pitch voices for the next hour. Thats the fuck balls. Def sign me up for that shit when I'm 40.
Ps. To all my friends having kids I'm happy for you. Shits just not for me. But I'll def babysit for you and take them to the Emerald Square Mall to hit on women.
I worked at the YMCA for 7 years where I worked with 60 plus children. Coming to work with the kids made me the happiest mutherfucker in the world. You know what made me even happier? Knowing I didn't have to take them home with me and watch them all night when I left. Forget your schedule, when you have kids its whatever they need whenever they want it. Kiss your "me time" good bye. Sure if your 40 years old your probably board as fuck. Pump out a few mistake babies and then you can just sit home at night and watch them go. Like when you are at a party and there is that moment where all the kids in the room are playing and you find yourself smiling for no reason just staring at the babies. Like the party is beyond dead and you just want to go home but no one wants to make that move so you all just sit around and look at the babies and talk in high pitch voices for the next hour. Thats the fuck balls. Def sign me up for that shit when I'm 40.
Ps. To all my friends having kids I'm happy for you. Shits just not for me. But I'll def babysit for you and take them to the Emerald Square Mall to hit on women.
