"I Gotta Tell Ya" ...: Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Falling Down

I'm at my breaking point dealing with these fucking tourist. Everyone who drives a cab told me the entire month of August is a shit show here on Martha's Vineyard. Of course me being the douche bag I am was like, "ya bro, I lived here before I'm pretty sure I can handle it." Well its August 15th and all I think about now is how many different ways I would like to fuck tourists up. Like just put my cab in park right in the middle of 5 corners intersection in Vineyard Haven and go on a vigalanti spree across the island abusing vacationers ala Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Its not the people riding with me in the cab that are the problem. Its everyone outside that tries thier best to make my day a living hell.

Just give me a few hours to do whatever I wanted. It would prob go something like this...

Walk up to those fuckin losers that think its a great idea to rent a 2 seater bike and shove a broom stick right in thier spokes as they pass by. Then watch them flip over the handle bars and slam into the pavement. I mean does the person riding in back even do anything? Just fake pedaling back there like a muthafucker.

Sneak up behind a family of 5 all wearing crocs. As the kids go to take a bite of thier melting ice cream cones I would smack that deliciousness right out of their hands into the street. Cry me a river you little Gremlins. Now go tell your parents having everyone in the family wear crocs makes you all look like a bunch of chodes.

Super kick the shit out of a boyfriend girlfriend while they pass buy me in a moped. Just knock off that stupid shit eating grin the guy has on his face while his girlfriend hangs onto the back of him for dear life. Should have rented a jeep today assholes.

Walk right up one of those typical cocksmoochers in Edgartown and steal his cell phone right off of his belt clip. You know one of those guys that rocks boat shoes, Daisy duke khaki shorts and a pastel polo. Before he could even say a word I'd skip his black berry like a stone into the harbor. Can you hear me now?

Jump on top of the hood and piss all over the windshield of a guy thats holding up traffic trying to parallel park in a sport that he clearly can't fit it. This guy is the fuckin worst. This is usually the same asshole that will send his 8 year old son out of the car to help give him hand gestures to assist him in his epic fail of a parking job. As everyone begins to lay on their horns little junior panics and waves dad on in right into the car he is trying to avoid. Dont worry buddy. take your sweat fuckin time. Not like anyone else has anything better to do on MV than watch you and your big ass SUV fail at parallel parking for 5 minutes.

I never wanted September to get here this quick in my life. Bring on football, College projects, Pumpkin muffins from Dunkin Donuts and no more fucking tourists.