Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Cab Ride From Hell, I Tell One of My Female Passengers That I was Going to Punch Her In The Fuckin Face Last Night

When you drive a 12 passenger taxi on an August night on Martha’s Vineyard you expect fucked up shit to happen, it just goes with the territory. Sometimes in entertaining, usually it’s annoying and at times like last night it can be flat out infuriating.


1:05 AM Circuit Ave, Oak Bluffs, MA

4 guys come up to my taxi and start to get in. One of them tells me his 6 buddies are right behing him and they are just need to be dropped of 5 min down the street. Of course all 4 dudes are shit housed and smell like booze and BO. As we are waiting for the other 6 guys to jump into the taxi and rush of at least 9 girls storm into my cab. As they all pile in I try explaining to them that the party of guys that’s already in here is going to be up to 10 people and there isn’t really enough room. These chicks could give 2 fucks what I was saying. They appeared to be 18-21 years old and dress like they just came from some rave party. I take a quick glance in front of me to see that the taxi in front of me is pulling away. As I’m looking in that direction the girl seated directly behind me slaps me in the side of the face and says, “Go! Follow that cab in front of you, we want to go where they’re going!”

 People are pouring into my cab, its loud as fuck and this little bitch just slapped me upside my head for no reason at all. Well, I snapped.

I turned right around, looked her square in the eye a foot from her face and said, “If you hit me like that again I am going to punch you right in your fuckin face you little bitch.” I pointed my index finger right at her and burned a hole through her with my eyes as I said “fuckin face.” She sat back and assumed her god dam role as being a passenger in my fuckin taxi.

As this exchange was going on, my original party of 10 guys finished getting in my taxi. I have no idea how many people were in my taxi but it was at least 20 people. We took off down the road as a girl was sitting on a guys lap in my front passenger seat. They just met 10 seconds ago…

I go to bring the girls to the party that they wanted to attend at the “Irish house” in Oak Bluffs. It’s exactly as it sounds, a summer house full of Irish Bros for the summer. These fucks get shitfaced every night and are always inventing too many people back to their house. But, I mean isn’t that what you would expect from a place called the Irish house?

Because of the Patriots game last night, I wore a Tedy Bruschi jersey over my white polo shirt with a popped collar. So everyone in the cab kept calling me Tedy, Ted or Bruschi every time they attempted to get my attention. Shit got real annoying fast.

We are about 2 minutes into the ride and I smell someone smoking from the back seat. Now there are no windows that open in back and second of all where is this guy putting his ashes? I turn the music off and put the interior lights on, then tell everyone to shut up for a seconds. I yell you, “whoever is smoking in the back seat please put it out.” I continue to drive and still smell the smoke.

A few minutes later we are at the Irish house. I get out of my cab and walk around to the front as the girls start to get out. As I’m standing in front of my taxi trying to collect money I see that same kid smoking in the back seat. Listen. No one fucks with my #1 van at A-BIG Cab Co. It’s one of the nicest if not the nicest and newest Taxis on the island. My relationship with this van is actually getting scary. My van and I have a stronger bromance than Hasselhof and K.I.T.T. More powerful than the Duke Boys and General Lee. Tighter than MR. T and the A-team van.  You can fuck with me, but if you fuck with my van I will fuckin lose my shit. And that I did.

He looks at me and throws his cigarette out the open side door. Some of the Irish guys come out of the house and in their Irish accents tell all the girls that were in my cab that they were not welcome at their house anymore. They already had too many people. This causes mass chaos for the next 10 minutes. The guys in my taxi for no reason at all start verbally yelling at the Irish guys for not letting the girls in. They go back and forth telling each other off. One of the girls comes over to me and says they now all need to get back in the taxi and go to Edgartown. Fine with me, I’m just going to rape their wallets for having to deal with this shit.

I yell out and tell all the girls to get back in the cab but let them know now they are going to be dropped off last after my original party of guys gets dropped off. One of the guys in that orignial party is so shitfaced he misunderstands what I am saying and starts to verbally attack me. He happened to be about 6’5.

“What! Your not going to take the girls home! Are you fuckin serious bro? Whats wrong with you?”

“Big Man" I reply, "How bout you shut your fuckin mouth. You have no idea what the fuck is going on right now. I’m driving everyone out of here that originally came. You get your big drunk fuckin ass back in my taxi. I’ll worry about where everyone is going, you worry about your fuckin self and not puking in my back seat you big goofy fuck.” He stares back at me and says nothing. #OWNED

Everyone piles back in. As we pull away the Irish guys are yelling obscenities at us with lines such as "go fuck yourself mate.”

I eventually drop the 10 guys off at their house. They pathetically beg and plead for the girls to come in and join them. I watch this take place enjoying a quiet moment with myself pondering the other jobs I could possibly do that would make me feel any less degrading than babysitting drunk fucks in Oak Bluffs…

The guys tip me $30 like the should. 4 of them gave me man hugs & high fives. As I drove away they chanted Bruschi! Bruschi! Bruschi! I tooted the horn and proceeded to Edgartown.

The girl who punched me in the head apologized. I then apologized back for telling her I was going to “punch her in her fuckin face.” I told her I never was really going to do it. (eh, that's debatable) We said our good byes and at 2:05 AM my taxi ride from hell was over.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: 100 Percent Chance This Chick Goes Down on Me and This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

Last night in my cab was a fuckin shit show. Like I can’t even make this shit up. It’s nights like this where I think to myself what in the everliving fuck am I doing with my life? When I say I babysit drunk people for a living I’m not kidding.

Story time kids. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go…

10:15PM

Nothing Fight: “100 percent chance This Chick Goes Down on Me”

This couple gets into my cab seemingly in a good mood, that is until the guy tries to act like a cocky fuck. I’m only about 30 seconds into the ride as I chat with the couple the guy chimes in and most certainly must have been the worst self cockblock I have ever seen. As he sits there with his backwards hat, white button down shirt and pink shorts he looks at me in the rearview mirror and goes “we had a great night… There’s a 100 percent chance this chick is going down on me tonight.”

The girl he’s with smacks him in the arm and replies, “what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m not going anywhere near you when we get home. Who the fuck talks like that?”

Dude might as well just cut his dick off now. Chicks hate nothing more than to hear one man announce to another man that he is going to get a BJ from her while she is in their presence. From that point on this chick was verbally lambasting this guy. I just kept my mouth shut and watch the fireworks explode. Once I got to their house the chick got right out and walked toward the front door. The guy stayed behind, paid the tab and just before he shut the taxi door he looks me dead in the eyes, smiles and goes “dude, there’s still a 100 percent chance I’m getting my dick wet when I go inside.”

Fight the good fight my friend.

11:30PM

This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

These 2 guys come up to my cab and ask for a ride over to West Tisbury. One of the guys is a dead ringer for fuckin Vince Neil. I must of stared at him for like 5 seconds strait before I opened my mouth to reply to him cause I thought I was in the presence of Motley Crue. Anyway, this Vince Neil lookin dude and his buddy where shithoused. They barely could get into the cab.

As we pull away I almost hit a skunk in the road which prompts Vince Neil to start telling a 20 minute story about how a skunk got into is house and he “Fuckin blew it’s head clear of it’s fuckin body.” This guy was getting so intense telling this story that it was starting to freak me the fuck out. It also didn’t help that the whole time he was talking I had “Dr. Feel Good” playing in my head.

 I drive these guys down this long as dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Vince and his buddy finally finish his skunk killing story which included quotes such as: “Bro, it sprayed three times in my house, but the 4th time it was about to spray I blew its fuckin head off with my gun.” Also this heartwarming gem, “His fuckin head was separated from his body. Shit was awesome man, I fucked that skunk up!”

 Once the story was done and we were a mile deep down this remote dirt road the guys start talking even stanger. I go, “hey, you guys are out in the middle of fuckin nowhere huh?” Other guy goes, “ya, we can get away with anything we want out here. We could murder people out here and get away with it.”

I give the most awkward, forced laugh in my life and then shit my pants. I was convinced that Vince Neil and his buddy were going to kill me deep in the woods of West Tisbury. Was this how my life was going to end? Not really how I want to go out...

Thank god 2 minutes later we were at their house. Vince Neil stumbles on his way out of the cab and smacks his head on the side of the sliding passenger door and falls to one knee on the ground. His creepy buddy pays me and tries to talk my ear off for another minute. I drove away so fast after he shut the door that I ended up getting lost down a wrong dirt road for about a half hour. I was driving down roads that look like scenes from muthafuckin Blair Witch Project. Somehow I survived and escaped being murdered in my taxi. I can't wait to see what fuckin characters Friday night brings. (Shoot me)

Are These The Douchiest Pair of Sandals You Have Ever Seen In Your Life? I Hope So

When you've spent a number of Summers on the Vineyard you can't help but want to dress up when you go into Edgartown. In fact, if you don't dress up, you feel like everyone is looking at you with this "who let this dirt-bag into town" look on their faces. Well not me , not anymore.
I'm sure some of you that have never been to Edgartown are thinking I'm over exaggerating this so called "town dress code." Let me present to you exhibit A.

This is a real picture from Edgartown 4th of July parade last year. Pastel colors much? Looks like Easter Sunday meets the local yacht club. Not sure what that little bitch kneeling on the ground is doing but even her 5 year-old ass is decked out in some fashionable Edgartown white pants. Well, on August 12th I join the crew...

On that night I am going out in Edgartown with my family and I am wearing the douchiest outfit I can possibly put together. If you think those sandals are fuckin jive, wait to you see my white pants and whatever pastel shirt I decide to wear. I want to look so douchey that people in Edgartown look at me and go "wow, that guy over did it a little bit huh?" If I don't look like a combination of Carlton Banks + Zack Morris + some dude that owns a 10 million dollar yacht in Edgartown harbor than I have failed at my ultimate goal.

Get ready Edgartown. Not sure if you've seen people who are fucked up enough to reach the level of douchiness that my family and I are about to reach.

VIDEO: Baby Falls Asleep While Singing/Listening To Metallica

HuffingtonPost

This is why I don't have a kid. I'd be putting it to sleep every night trying to play Living On a Prayer from my shitty 6 string acoustic. My baby would have the entire Slippery When Wet album memorized by the time it was 3.

Why is this dad so creepy at the end? Stop lookin at me like that bro, you're buggin me the fuck out.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Honey, Don't Touch My Radio or I Will Eye Fuck The Shit Out Of You

It happens every muthafuckin Friday night without fail. Some shitfaced tourist gets into the front passenger seat of my cab and insists on touching my radio. You know, that’s not even the right description. These cunts physically assault my radio.

Exibit A: Friday night at 1:30 AM

So I’m in the center of Oak Bluffs or as the tourists like to call it “Oaks Bluffs” and I get flagged down for a fair of about 10 people. I pull over into a parking spot and let these dozen or so shitfaced gremlins hop in my cab. Before I can pull away one of the chicks in back yells out, “don’t leave yet! We got to wait for Suzie!”

Suzie is about 20 yards away, holding hands with some cocksmoch with this “I’m getting some pussy tonight” shit eating grin on his face. I have no idea why but I wanted to get out of my cab and superkick this guy right in the dick. Anyway, Suzie and her man come walking over to the cab and then kinda stare at each other while all her friends in the cab yell out shit such as “Make out with him! Hurry the fuck up! And my favorite, “lets fuckin go, it’s not like you are going to do anything anyway.”

This goes on for about 5 min. At this point I am ready to go, these fucks are wasting my time and time is money. I chime in and yell out the open side door. “Lets go bro, time to bust a move!” Dude looks at me with this “hang on one sec buddy" look and holds up a finger at me. Now for a split second I really almost got out of the cab and smashed my walkie talkie off the side of his fuckin head. (it’s 4th of July week on the Vineyard, you don’t know anger and frustration with people until you’ve walked in my taxi driving shoes.)

Fuckin Casanova, finally busts a move on Suzie. Everyone in the cab chants and hollers at them. After Suzie is done making out she hops in the front passenger. Yay. Lucky me.

I drive like 10 seconds down the road and shitfaced Suzie leans over to me and goes “I don’t even like that guy, I just made out with him cause he was nice.” Really there sweet tits? That’s fuckin it? You’re telling me all I have to do is be nice to chicks, even if I look like a douche-bag and I can make out with them in the center of Oaks Bluffs while everyone chants my name? It’s that easy huh?

I look at her and go “really? Dude kinda seemed like a tool box.” Drunk Suzie leans back over too me, 5 inches from my face as I’m driving and goes “And I have a boyfriend. But this guy was just too nice to resist.”

First off Suzie, why don’t you scooch the fuck back in your seat a little so I don’t have smell what mister nice guy had for dinner. Then, as like most cunts in my front seat do, Suzie says “Let me be the DJ! I want to find some beats to jam out to on the radio!”

Fuck me. Not only do I have to have this bitch talk 5 inches from my face the whole ride home but I have to also make sure she doesn’t blow out my speakers as we drive up island jamming out to Call Me Maybe.

  

So the whole ride up to West Tisbury Suzie is talking my fuckin ear off. Each time getting closer and closer. At one point I literally thought that Suzie was going to try and make-out with me while I was driving. It’s ok though, because Mrs. Shotgun DJ was wearing a low-cut shirt and I was getting a free peep show. I kept acting like a gave a fuck about what she was saying but in all honesty I just wanted her to keep leaning into me so I could get a better view.

 I continued to eye fuck Suzie for 20 minutes until I dropped her and all her drunk friends off. I over charged them, took all of their money and sweet talked Suzie gaining a few more cheep glances as we said our goodbyes and I gave her a high-five.

I mean, may have a master’s degree and I'm a good guy and all, but I’ve been a cabbie for way to long now. What was that saying in the Dark Knight? “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

It's Called Bruins: Adam Oates Gets Elected to The Hall of Fame

I grew up in the era of Bruins hockey when Cusick was calling  games, Neely was scroing goals and Adam Oates was creating offense like Rondo on skates. There hasn't been a center to put on a Bruins sweater that could create offense like Adam Oates (Savard was close). Not only could he pass, but he could score on his own shot and was dominant at the faceoff circle. Plus he was a fuckin boss in NHL 94 for Sega. Just blowing by guys... right, left, right, shoot, score.

   

 What a pimp Oates was in this commercial. The NHL does a brutal job of marketing their star athletes but the guy who created this gem should be sitting on a pile of money somewhere in Kokomo. This is what the NHL needs more of.

"You're off-sides." "Wouldn't be the first time."

P.I.M.P

Grocery Shopping On Martha's Vineyard During The Summer My Be The Worst Chore To Preform Known To Man Kind

 

You ever been last minute food shopping on Thanksgiving eve or mall shopping on Black Friday? It's a good time right? People running around the store like fuckin psychos trying to get last minute preparations done for the big holiday or on Black Friday the people that will kill their own kids just to get 20 percent of a Coach purse. It's a god dam nightmare of tremendous proportions. Well, imagine that scenario but it follows you around everyday of your life for 3 months any time you shop. That my friends is what it's like to grab something from a grocery store on Martha's Vineyard any day during the summer.

 I despise food shopping on this island. Stop and Shop in Edgartown is jam packed with cocksuckers wearing Vineyard Vine's polos and daisy duke shorts aimlessly walking around with their family of 4. These assholes come here with no game plan and have no fuckin idea what they want to buy which causes them to clog the isles like beavers building a dam. Then you also got grandma walking around in her moo moo waddling her fat ass around sporting lime green crocks. You can't get by any of these fucks because the Vineyard was designed for Pilgrims in 1620 and people that were size of Oompa Loompas making the isles 3 feet wide.

 Once you are done shopping you get to stand in the checkout line for 20 minutes while some foreign kid who can't speak english, slowly scans the ten people in front of you with the speed of a turtle carrying a cinder block. When you get to the front of the line the bagging kid asks if you want paper or plastic. Really? First, only the fuckin Vineyard Still asks if you want paper or plastic. They stopped doing that shit on main land back in 1996. Second, who the fuck says they want paper bags? No one. If you say you ask for paper bags then you are a fuckin idiot. Have fun trying to carry those 10 bags one by one into your cottage.

 The only thing that saves me from kicking slow ass grandma in the head and giving Vineyard Vines daddy a DDT onto the tile floor is the guaranteed one vacationing smokeshow I'll come across in the store. She's the only saving grace to the hell that I go through while I grocery shop on the Vineyard.

 

Pray for September.