You ever been last minute food shopping on Thanksgiving eve or mall shopping on Black Friday? It's a good time right? People running around the store like fuckin psychos trying to get last minute preparations done for the big holiday or on Black Friday the people that will kill their own kids just to get 20 percent of a Coach purse. It's a god dam nightmare of tremendous proportions. Well, imagine that scenario but it follows you around everyday of your life for 3 months any time you shop. That my friends is what it's like to grab something from a grocery store on Martha's Vineyard any day during the summer.
I despise food shopping on this island. Stop and Shop in Edgartown is jam packed with cocksuckers wearing Vineyard Vine's polos and daisy duke shorts aimlessly walking around with their family of 4. These assholes come here with no game plan and have no fuckin idea what they want to buy which causes them to clog the isles like beavers building a dam. Then you also got grandma walking around in her moo moo waddling her fat ass around sporting lime green crocks. You can't get by any of these fucks because the Vineyard was designed for Pilgrims in 1620 and people that were size of Oompa Loompas making the isles 3 feet wide.
Once you are done shopping you get to stand in the checkout line for 20 minutes while some foreign kid who can't speak english, slowly scans the ten people in front of you with the speed of a turtle carrying a cinder block. When you get to the front of the line the bagging kid asks if you want paper or plastic. Really? First, only the fuckin Vineyard Still asks if you want paper or plastic. They stopped doing that shit on main land back in 1996. Second, who the fuck says they want paper bags? No one. If you say you ask for paper bags then you are a fuckin idiot. Have fun trying to carry those 10 bags one by one into your cottage.
The only thing that saves me from kicking slow ass grandma in the head and giving Vineyard Vines daddy a DDT onto the tile floor is the guaranteed one vacationing smokeshow I'll come across in the store. She's the only saving grace to the hell that I go through while I grocery shop on the Vineyard.
Pray for September.
