Chief’s Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha’s Vineyard: Nothing Fights, $50 Dollar Tip For Driving Two Drunk Chicks Home and I’m Pretty Sure That Dude’s Getting a Hummer in My Back Seat

Friday Night 10:15pm 

So this couple gets in my Cab and I can tell right away from the body language of the dude that they are in a nothing fight. I know the look. He has that thousand mile stare with this “someone please shoot me” expression on his face. As they sit down in the seat behind me I hear the girl say “Why are you so mad at me?” He goes, really? “Don’t talk to me, Just leave me alone.” So what does this chick do? She keeps asking him what’s wrong. I wanted to chime in and let her know that she needs to shut the fuck up before he blows a gasket. All men know what I’m talking about. Guys can’t win in this situation. If we talk to you, you’ll just bring up shit that happened like 10 years ago that has nothing to do with what we are mad about at the time. So we tell you we don’t want to talk about it with idea we can avoid a nothing fight turning into world war 3. But, if we don’t talk to you you’ll cry or be up our ass until we say something. As I dropped this couple off I could hear her continuously trying to poke the bear and get him to say something. Unreal. Women, let the nothing fights go and talk about whatever pointless shit that happened the next day when you both are sober and have calmed down. Fuckin A.

Sunday Night 11:30 PM


I get a call for a pick up out in Edgartown for a pick up. When I pull up to the driveway a lady walks over to my cab and tells me her two friends are shitfaced and need a ride home. Hey, just your average weekend night pick up on the rock, right? Eh, little curveball mixed in though. This lady hands me a $50 and says “Make sure these two get home safe. You got a couple of cougars that are drunk and crying.” Fuck me. Nothing I love more than babysitting two chicks in their mid 40’s that are drunk crying on their ride back to the other side of the island. So I chat with this lady for a few min. As her friends come escorted out she looks at me and says, “Ya, here’s another $20. You’re going to earn this money tonight.” The fair price was only $20. Essentially I was getting a $50 tip to babysit 2 drunk women.

As these two chicks get to the cab I realized they are fahkin hammered. One of them took 5 minutes to get in the side door. She needed help getting in and fell down 3 times while doing so. The other lady wasn’t as tanked and she sat in the front passenger seat. We said by to the people at the party and took off. As we drove away, drunk chick in the back goes “I’m not done fuckin partying, where we going?” I replied back “I’m talking you home, parties over.” This rhetoric happened repeatedly the whole way back to their house.

Once we got there I came around the side of the taxi to help carry drunk chick in the back out. As I do this she keeps starting at me. I get her upright and pass her over to her friend. When I go to walk away she grabs my arm and goes “oh, you’re cute. Come on inside and party with us.” She wouldn’t let go of my arm as I tried walking away so I kinda did a little spin move to break the hold. I laughed and said, “Sorry, I got to go. It’s only midnight, I got plenty more of drunk people on MV that need to be saved.”

Early Saturday Morning 1:20 AM


3 people get in my cab and need a long ride home up island. I got a guy in my front seat chatting away with me while his buddy is in the back with girl all the way in the last row of seats. The guy next to me tells me he has no idea who that girl is and that his boy just met her tonight at the bar. When the ride starts we all are talking together. However, the longer the ride goes the quieter dude in the back is getting. At first I could hear them making out and then they slid so low in the back seat and I couldn’t really see them anymore. After a while kid just stopped responding to questions that his drunk buddy in front was asking him. I don’t think his buddy was sober enough to realize what was going down. I leaned over to him and said, “Dude, I’m pretty sure your bro is getting a BJ in the back seat.” He just looks at me, chuckles and goes “Oh ya man, you’re probably right. I Should stop talking to him.” Ya think?

Hey, there’s no cock blocking allowed in my cab. No way, no how. Do whatever you want back there bro. I only have to sit in the front seat, I could give a flying fuck how crusty the back seat gets.

VIDEO: Tom Brady's Wicked Accent Commercial

Tom Brady's Wicked Accent from Tom Brady

Tom Brady is pretty fuckin solid in this video. Personally, I think its like 2 minutes too long but the part at the end where he knife-edge chops his own cut out and walks away while that lady calls him Matt Damon is priceless.

Oscar worthy acting out of TB12 really.

Tuukka Rask and Tyler Seguin Dominating the Shit Out of "The Tropics" This Weekend

It's the opening weekend to Masshole summer and you arguably have the 2 most important players in the Boston Bruins future vacationing on the islands off the Cape. Tuukka time on Martha's Vineyard and Tyler Seguin on Nantucket for Memorial Day Weekend.

Now you maybe sitting there saying big deal, who give a fuck? Let me learn you something my friends. I'm ecstatic that these 2 franchise cornerstones spend some of their free time amoungst the people. This means something to me. By spending time in the Boston area during the offseason, these guys get constantly reminded of how important winning is to this fan base. It gets said to them over and over again. I love that these guys rip it up with vacationing Massholes. They can't help but get some of that Boston live or die sports mentality to rub off on them. You never see Phil Kessel partying on Nantucket during Figawi. Bro was too soft, he couldn't handle it.

Ps. 100 percent chance Seguin slammed out this chick in the white pants. Is there anything that gives you a boner quicker in the summer than seeing a hot chick in white pants down the Cape? 

Once Brady steps down, this kid has a chance to takeover and run this town. Play on playa

Dad Accidentally Slices His Son During a Samurai Sword Fight

Fox News
Authorities say an upstate New York man using a samurai sword to fight with another man struck his 8-year-old son in the head. Police in Utica tell local media outlets that 42-year-old Thar Kyi barged into the home where his three children were getting ready for school Tuesday morning and began swinging the sword at their mother's boyfriend. Officials say Kyi missed the boyfriend but struck his son. The boy was treated at the hospital for non-life-threatening injuries. Kyi was eventually found in the Syracuse area and charged with assault, burglary, criminal contempt and criminal possession of a weapon. He's being held in Oneida County Jail. It couldn't immediately be determined whether he had a lawyer.


Ain't that a bitch? Here you are getting ready for school minding your own business and Dad decides to get into a Samurai sword fight with Ma's boyfriend. Like WTF dad? It's bad enough I got to deal with this Captain Crunch cutting the shit out of the roof of my mouth , but I also got to deal with you slicing a chunk of flesh of the side of my dome piece? Mom wanted some new dick. That's life. Move on, deal with it.

Bruins Fans, What Would You Give Up to Get Rick Nash?

Joe Haggerty CSNNE.com
With the Stanley Cup Finals little more than a week away, the busy season has arrived for the rest of the NHL beginning work on their offseason plans. Trade rumors, signing your own players and major roster decisions are all in play with the NHL Draft and NHL free agency little more than a month away. That means the rumor mill is getting worked into a deep frenzy for 27 NHL teams watching the New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers and Los Angeles Kings work out the whole Stanley Cup thing. There were reports out of Columbus that the Bruins are working on pulling together a deal for discontented sniper Rick Nash as he becomes the biggest trophy on the trade market this summer. According to “The Canon” blog out of Columbus, the Blue Jackets TV play-by-play guy, Jeff Rimer, reported on one of the local radio stations that the Bruins were preparing a “major” offer for the former No. 1 overall pick.

 The Bruins have needed a pure scorer for years. Even when they won the cup in 2011 there was a need for a forward whos forte was scoring goals. Rick Nash would fill that need. But what would Bruins fans be willing to give up? Nash makes 7.8 million per year. The Bruins would have to clear more cap space to aquire Nash while giving up a solid forward or two of their own in return. Supposedly Columbus is asking for a kings ransom, a combination of Hamilton, Seguin, Bergeron, Lucic or Krecji. Seguin or Bergeron are absolutely not going to happen. I would be very open to trading Krejci for Nash and sliding Seguin to center with Nash on the Right Wing. If it took both Lucic or Krejci for Nash I would pause a little but I still would probably do it. The wild card is we have no idea how Nash would preform in the playoffs. In 08-09 he played just 4 games with 3 points and was a minus 4. We do know how Lucic and Krejci have preformed and their level of play has been maddeningly inconsistent. Nash would be a risk, but it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

 On a side note. I'd prefer Zach Parise over Nash. I know Parise would thrive in this Bruins system and his price tag should be a little less than Nash. If the Bruins could sign him in free agency they wouldn't have to give up any players to sign him (assuming he can fit in under the cap).

VIDEO: How Pissah is This Cape Cod Potato Chips Ad?

This ad is the fuckin tits. Whoever came up with this in the marketing department should get a promotion asap. Shit just tugs at the heart strings of beach going Massholes. You got the lighthouse, sand, ocean, seagulls, Cape Cod chips and a phat beat from a shitty 80's band. Phenomenal stuff really.

I know dudes in bands get groupies and chicks hanging off them, but you can't tell me this hairdo got Mike Scores dick wet. I know it was the 80's but that hair had to be a major cockblock right?

California Guy Turns Super Soaker Into a Real Shot Gun

Fox News A California man was arrested after authorities discovered the "Super Soaker" water gun he was wearing around his neck had been turned into a working shotgun, Fox affiliate KMPH reports. Fresno police approached 54-year-old Randy Smith when they noticed the water gun around his neck Saturday because they had been recently briefed on people turning toys into working weapons. When they took the water gun apart, they found a real shotgun shell instead of water. "He took the Super Soaker apart, was able to fashion a barrel to where he was able to make what's considered a zip gun, where you can fire one round through it. In this case it was a 20 gauge shotgun shell," Sergeant Mark Hudson of the Fresno police told KMPH. Even more troubling, Bill Mayfield, who works at Gilmay Guns in Fresno tells KMPH it only costs about $30 worth of parts to transform a toy into a shotgun, and you don't have to be a gun expert to do it. He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move. "The firearms cartridge with the gun powder is an explosive. The device they're building has to be able to contain the pressure of that explosion," Mayfield told KMPH. "So they're just relying on, maybe this will hold up. Well, you could be putting a gun next to your head, or you could be putting a hand grenade next to your head." Police say Smith faces multiple charges, including being a convicted felon in possession of ammunition, a felon in possession of a firearm, manufacture of an illegal weapon and a misdemeanor warrant. 


"He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move."

Really? I think its genius. You ever get blasted by someone with a super soaker? It fuckin sucks. The only person that enjoys it is the asshole squirting everybody. The kid with the super soaker maybe one of the most annoying characters of child who grew up in the 90's. Nothing worse than little Billy running up to you every 5 seconds blasting you in the eye ball and while chuckling his ass of. Well how quick will Billy shut the fuck up after you launch a 20 gauge bullet into his chest? Game changer. Set the tone for the summer and the rest of the kids at camp will leave you the fuck alone.

 

 I'd chose getting blasted with a shot gun over getting hit in the face with and Oozinator everyday of the week. Looks like a commercial on teaching kids the best way to take loads to the face. No thanks.

VIDEO: Parents Put Their Kid in Washing Machine. It Turns on Automatically and He Gets the Shit Washed Out of Him

Case in point why not everyone should be allowed to have kids. Like just a quick survey from the US Goverment would have found out this dad was not fit.

Question 37: If you child wants to go inside a washing machine do you think it's a good idea to put him in and turn it on? 

 Answer: Yes 

 Fail.

Sorry no kids for you my man. Keep on studying and maybe you will pass the test next year and be able to keep one of your mistake babies. For now we don't want parents that try to simultaneously drown and concuss thier kids by putting them inside a washing machine.

My favorite part is at the 56 second mark when they guy in the red hat watches the kid roll around for a few seconds by himself and then waves his hand as to say "ah fuck it" and walks away. Way to step up there buddy. What a fuckin cocksucker huh? I know you prob cant do anything at this point but at least humor me by trying to pull on the door handle while junior is on spin cycle. This asshole in the red hat is sneakily the worst person in this video.

VIDEO: Will Smith Slaps a Reporter in the Face That Tried to Kiss Him

Huffington Post Will Smith is in the middle of a press tour for "Men in Black 3" and got more than he bargained for while in Moscow this week. Smith was walking a press line when a reporter stopped him to give him a hug and attempted to kiss him. "Hey man, what the hell is your problem?" Smith exclaimed, and pushed him away, before slapping the man in the face. "He tried to kiss me on my mouth!" "He's lucky I didn't sucker punch him," Smith added afterward. According to TMZ, the man involved in the incident is a TV reporter who likes to kiss celebrities.

This reporter was getting jiggy like a mofo. Just trying to slip Big Willy Style the tongue on the red carpet. Ballsy move. I am Legend plays it off pretty smooth though. Talks a little shit and then gives him a Ric Flair knife edge chop to the face. What did the 5 fingers say to the face?

Could The Patriots be Serious About Signing TE Dallas Clark?

So Dallas Clark reportedly worked out for the Patriots earlier this week, but could they be serious about signing him? It looks like they will carry 6 WR's and already have TE Gronk, Hernandez and Daniel Fells. Now we all know Clark is really more of a slot WR than an actual tight end. However, don't put it past Josh McDaniels to find a place for this guy on the roster. In a passing league, a 3 TE set with Gronk and Clark on the line of scrimmage with Hernandez in the backfield could be a nightmare for defensive coordinators. Injuries and quarterback issues have halted Clarks production in the past few years, but he fits the mold of a veteran player who they can most likely sign on the cheap. I for one would love to see it, although it looks like the Patriots are merely kicking the tires at this point.

BREAKING NEWS: Bill Belichick Drinks Bud Light Limes So My Friends Can Go Fuck Off and Stop Making Fun of Me Now

Whats up dickheads? News just leaked out that our Lord and Savior Bill Belichick favorite drink to crush while chilling on Nantucket is BL Limes. Make fun of me now assholes. I drink the same drink of choice as a 3 time super bowl winning head coach and future hall of famer. Shits right up there with how kids drank Gatorade because of Jordan.

Sometimes I dream
 That he is me
 You've got to see that's how I dream to be
 I dream I drink, I dream I chill
Like Bill
If I could chill Like Bill
Like Bill
Oh, if I could Chill Like Bill
Chill Like Bill, Chill Like Bill
Again I try
 Just need to chill
For just one day if I could Chill that way
 I dream I drink,  I dream I chill
Like Bill
If I could chill Like Bill
I wanna chill, I wanna chill Like Bill
Oh, if I could Chill Like Bill

VIDEO: Old Man Tries to Move Alligator Then Almost Gets His Arm Bitten Off

Ah, the old blind the alligator with a towel technique. This shit usually works right? Just trick the alligator into thinking its night time and then you can pick him up while he dozes off. Shoulda been a fool proof plan. Where the fuck did this guy think he was going to carry this thing too if he did pick it up? This isnt a turtle bro. You ever watch Crocodile Dundee? Mind over matter? You got to be trained in the outback to be able to handle shit like this.

It's it surprising to anyone else that absolutely no one in the video chimes in and says "Hey grandpa, I dont think its a good idea for you to straddle that alligator like you do to nana after bingo night." Just a thought.

Seeing the NY Giants Get Their Super Bowl Rings Last Night Makes Me Want to Slit My Own Wrists

“You get that the first time you’re in awe. You win a second one you think ‘Maybe we can do something here.’ Let’s make it a dynasty. We want to make it a dynasty." -Justin Tuck

Fuck me. Nothing like listening to another football team talk about dynasties right up in your grill piece. Theres not much to say about this really. I can never talk football shit to a NY Giants fan for the rest of my life. Like how do you comeback from 2 super bowl loses? You don't. The only way I see the Patriots fans ever being able to talk shit to Giants fans is if we so happen to meet and beat them in the Medowlands at Met life Stadium for Super Bowl 48 in the year 2014. Even then it will be still 2 to 1 but at least we would be able to look NY and NJ people in the eye again with out pissing down our legs.

How Bullshit is it that Foxboro Residents are Being Robbed of Their Right to Park Cars in Their Yards During Stadium Events?

Sun Chronicle
FOXBORO - Under a bylaw approved by a vote of 73 to 50 Monday night, people who charge a fee to park cars on residential neighborhoods for major stadium events will be subject to a $100 fine for each vehicle. The rule would apply for stadium events licensed for more than 15,000 attendees. "Ludicrous," is the word Margaret Chaisson, of 199 North St., applied to the idea that stadium-area residents should have to obtain color-coded placards from the town to distinguish their own and their guests' vehicles from scofflaw parkers... For years, the town unofficially allowed people to park up to 10 cars for a fee in a neighborhood - a way to soften the pain of living amid game-day traffic jams. "It's gotten totally out of hand," Spier said, noting some neighbors have jammed 50 to 60 cars in their yards. Spier said he pays about $55 per space per year in town and state fees for each of his licensed parking spots. He said licensed lots, unlike the bandit operations, provide portable toilets, lighting and are adjacent to sidewalks. The advisory committee voted unanimously to support the parking fine bylaw. "This revision is needed because parking for a fee in unlicensed lots in residential areas near Route 1 and the stadium has grown exponentially in the last few years, creating both traffic hazards and public safety concerns," the committee wrote.


Chill the fuck out there Mr. Spier. This is creating more traffic and public safety concerns? Ya and the 70,000 people in the surrounding stadium parking lots have nothing to do with that? Grow up. If a Foxboro resident can fit 50-60 cars in his yard then more power to him. Should be every persons right to jam as many cars as they want onto their property. If they want to ruin their lawn and have 80 plus Massholes tailgate in their own back yard then have at it. Your bound to form a couple of bromances and get at least 1 hot chick in the crowd all while making bank. You can't fuckin sit here and tell me that residential parking even puts a financial dent into the other lots around the stadium. Have you ever drove down rt 1 on game day? Place is a friggin shit show. Every lot is jam packed hours before a game and the people who live in the surrounding areas are basically in lock down mode because it takes 2 hours to get anywhere. The least the town of Foxboro can do is let them make a little coin off of it. Oh and if your trying to shove a Foxboro Casino up everyone's ass you might want to not take away the one benefit the residents have when it comes to living close to the stadium.

Imagine if you got Big Daddy Smooth in your yard? Like winning the tailgate lottery.



"Fahkin"

VIDEO: Dude Lights His Gas Tank On Fire While Pumping Gas. Hilarity Ensues

Not sure what the fuck this guy was trying to do lighting a match and sticking it near his gas tank but who am I to judge what someone else considers fun. If I'm the gas attendant I'm getting the fuck out of this situation ASAP. No way they pay you enough to pump gas and put out car fires. We got the fire department for that shit.

I love how this gas attendant gets blown over, hangs on to the fire extinguisher and just keeps blasting away. Mutherfuckin heart of a champion right there.

Hannah Storm and Lindsay Czarniak Have to Be the Most Lethal Combination of Sports Anchors In History

No bullshitting here. As a man you can not ask for a hotter combination of female sports anchors. You got Hannah Storm coming in at 49 years-old with a fastball still in the upper 90's just inspiring boners from all generations. I love how ESPN puts her in skirts sitting in a visible chair every second they can. Bravo ESPN, bravo. Today you got Lindsay Czarniak working along side her as the young up incoming top prospect forming the most lethal tag team we have seen in the history of broadcasting. When they were next to each other this morning on SportsCenter I found myself eye fucking this shit out of my TV. Screw the highlights of the Celtics blowing out the 76ers. Gimme more face time of Storm and Czarniak! Make this duo perminate every morning. There can never be too much Storm and Czarniak.


Whoever made this video is stalking the shit out of Hannah Storm as we speak.

How Far Do You Take Your Road Rage?

So i'm driving to the gym the other day minding my own business at 8am on a Saturday morning when this guy cuts me off for no reason. I was sitting at a red light and this black car with tinted windows pulls up behind me at a red light. The light turns green and I hit my gas instantly. The guy behind slams on his gas and blows by me on the left hand side as we drive through the intersection. Let me remind you its 8am on a Saturday and there is not another car in sight. Who drives like a cocksucker that early in the morning on the weekend? As soon as I realize this guy is passing me I hit my gas even harder and we race side by side for a few seconds before completely goes by.I don't know what happened to me but I had a psychotic meltdown.

I sped after this guy down the street while looking to my right and saw a half empty water bottle sitting there. I grabbed the bottle and had every intention of pulling up next to this guy and chucking it at him. Then I said to myself, "Dude, you really going to follow through with this? What, he stops and you throw the bottle out your sunroof at him as he puts 2 bullet holes in your head?" So after 2 minutes of chasing and having my right arm cocked back clutching an Aquifina, I watched him turn down a side street and I went my separate way.

This kinda shit has to happen all the time to people right? Like deep down I know I am too much of a pussy and I know I'll never follow through with any of my road rage intentions. This is about the closest I've ever been to delivering some serious road rage. I can respect a cut off in the middle of traffic but the fact this guy cut me off at 8am with no one in sight is pure bush league.



This road rage incident was prob a good idea at the time until the guy driving the car your smashing with a bat drives off and rear ends another car.




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Boston.com Lists Top 10 Boston neighborhoods Couples Cheat In

Boston.com

A website that caters to connecting married couples looking to date released a list of the top 10 cheating neighborhoods in Boston. More than 165,000 Bostonians are members of AshleyMadison.com, the discreet dating website for married men and women reports, and the website has broken down those numbers to show which neighborhoods have the most members per capita.

This is clear proof of my argument that relationships and marriages suck. Here we got 165,000 Massholes online trying to find someone else to bang other than their significant other. You know why most of them are doing this? Cause sex with anyone gets old after 3 months. As much as I love the movie the Dark Knight, I know how its going to end. It's a great movie, but it doesn't get better each time I see the Joker hanging upside down at the end. Well that's the same way sex is with that same person over and over again. You can be the man in the bedroom but there really are so many moves you can do before you run out of tricks. It works the same way for the women. Sure this is going to bring all the women out of the wood work to rip me a new asshole but there's a reason the divorce rate is at 50 percent and online dating sites and straight up cheating sites like Ashley Madison are growing in membership by the day. People have a plethora of options now and they want to play them. Don't shoot the messenger, the proof is in the numbers.



I have no idea who this kid is but he dropped so much knowledge in the first 1:15 it's not even funny. 100 percent chance he is on AshleyMaddison.com right now.

 "The most painful thing you could ever do is talk to a man. Like blood will ooze out of our fuckin ears and down our bodies."

That line made me lose my shit.

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