McDonalds To Make Apples Mandatory In All Happy Meals. WTF?

FOXNEWS

NEW YORK ( –  McDonald's Corp. is adding apples to all its Happy Meals and launching a nutrition-focused mobile phone app as part of a broader health push. The changes underscore how the restaurant industry is reacting to the demands of customers and regulators who blame it for health ills ranging from childhood obesity to diabetes. Among other changes in McDonald's new program… McDonald's has worked to paint itself as a healthy, hip place to eat, offering wireless access in restaurants and introducing smoothies and oatmeal, moves that other fast-food companies are now trying to replicate. For Happy Meals, U.S. customers can already choose between apples or fries. But only about 11 percent of customers were ordering apples, the restaurant said. So by the beginning of next year, McDonald's will instead include a half-order of apples and a half-order of fries. Customers can get all fries or all apples if they ask.

Listen, I retired from eating at McDonalds once I graduated from high school. Like I just straight dropped my fast food urges instantly. Prob because I OD'd on a fresh 20 piece of McNuggets every Saturday night in my teen years. Anyway, If I must hearken back to my youth,  no kid in there right mind wants to eat a fuckin apple with his or her happy meal. I'm no Gordon Ramesy but Apples and McNuggets dont fuckin go together. When you get Nuggets all you want with it is some god dam sweet & sour sauce and french fries to go along with that bullshit toy they give you. None of this "lets eat healthy shit." And who gives a fuck about this cell phone app? No parent is going to pull up the nurtirion facts of a fuckin happy meal as they go through the drive through while Billy and Suzzy are pissing and moaning in the backseat about how hungry they are.

Your playing out of your league Mc D's. No one going to the golden arches is trying to eat healthy. Kids are getting fat beacuse their parents are sticking them on ritalin and putting them in front of video games all afternoon. Not because kids had to eat french fries instead of apples all these years with their happy meals.

"McDonald's has worked to paint itself as a healthy, hip place to eat." Are they fuckin serious with this shit?

Get A Load Of This Kid Stuck in a Storm Drain

Ya, I'm not buying this kid doesn't remember meeting with the police. I mean sounds like he remembers every other detail pretty well. Dudes just keeping true to the street code of "no snitching." Idk about you dude but if I was afraid of retaliation from that gang I wouldn't be going on live TV telling my story. You see this kids eyes shifting after he was asked "why didn't you tell police?"  All of the sudden he has amnesia and can't remember.

Hey Tihanna, I'm pretty sure you can spare us the reenactment. Not to tough to figure out how this bro got stuck.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientist Say Time Travel Not Possible

FOXNEWS
By proving that even a single photon must obey Einstein's theory that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, Hong Kong physicists believe they have debunked the idea of time travel once and for all. A Hong Kong University of Science and Technology research team led by Du Shengwang said they had proved that a single photon, or unit of light, "obeys the traffic law of the universe." "Einstein claimed that the speed of light was the traffic law of the universe or in simple language, nothing can travel faster than light," the university said on its website. "Professor Du's study demonstrates that a single photon, the fundamental quanta of light, also obeys the traffic law of the universe just like classical EM (electromagnetic) waves." The possibility of time travel was raised 10 years ago when scientists discovered superluminal -- or faster-than-light -- propagation of optical pulses in some specific medium, the team said. If Shengwang and his team are correct, that possibility is now no more than ancient history.


Fuck me. You know how bad I wanted to go back to 1999 and dominate the shit out of my high school? With the knowledge that I know now I would be a fuckin god at MHS. Peel into the parking lot in my GMC Delorean, jaming out to LFO, 98 degrees and P Diddy. Strut down the hall way in my high school football jersey like a fuckin boss. I'd walk right into first period and grab the hottest chick in class and walk right the fuck out so we could skip first period to down some hotcakes from the golden arches. Then we'd go makeout at Borderland State park and I'd slide into second base with ease. After those shenanigans are over Id walk into second period home ec 5 minatues late and eat all the raw cookie dough batter. Then I'd make the chicks and the one tool bag dude in my group wash the dishes while I silently rip ass in the corner of the kitchen. Later, I'd read the Boston Herald for the last 2 periods and talk to my bros in back of the class to figure out where we were getting shitfaced that night. Once late afternoon came, I would head to the football practice and burn the shit out of the defense. With all my football and Madden playstation skills I would dominate the fuck the quarterback position.  Just slicing up zit faced cornerbacks on 3 and go routes all day. Kids couldn't stop me. At the end of practice I'd tell coach Redding to go fuck himself and that I'm the star of this team while simultaneously grabing 2 of the hottest cheerleaders right out of practice and take them to a bomb ass woods party later that night. At somepoint during that night I'd kick the biggest alpha male at the party right in the nuts and stand over him while saying "this party isn't big enough for the 2 of us." Then I'd highfive my friends and take my drunk date to the Delorean. We'd finish the night out by closing some ass and booze eating the fuck out of late night menu at Wendy's.

Mansfield High School wouldn't know what hit them... These fuckin scientists crushed my dreams. Going back in time to Party one day in 1999 would have been the greatest day of my life.

Ps. How much fuckin junk food am I going to eat this day? Jesus christ. No wonder I was a little pudgy in the mid section during high school, ate like a fuckin pig. 

Ladies, how fast would you get a restraining order on a guy if he made this video for you?

Wow bro, you got it bad huh?  I mean you usually can't go wrong with any Keith Sweat song. I mean as soon as chicks hear Keith their panties just drop. Unfortunately your creepy photo shop skills are going to get you a 300 ft. restraining order.  Like is there any chick in their right mind that would get back with their ex if he made a video like this?

Im pretty sure making shit like this will get women to run away from you 10 times out of 10 but what the fuck do I know.

Really dude? You put all this effort into this psycho slide show and this is what you end it with? This slide show fuckin blows. There's no way in hell this chick or any chick is ever going to date you. Enjoy those life long blue balls there big guy.

How many more people are going to take a photo of the temperature reading from their Fuckin cars?

I'm not trying to be a fuckin dickhead but How many more people are going to take a photo of the temperature reading from their cars? I fuckin get it dude its hot as a muthafucker outside. You know how I know this? Becasue my balls are hanging down to my knees. Unless you drive the fuckin Knight Rider car and you have K.I.T.T verbally telling you (in the Mr. Feeney Boy Meets world Voice) its fuckin hot outside, I dont want to hear it.  Thanks

Ps. If you didnt know Mr. Feeny from boy meets world was the voice of K.I.T.T, consider yourself learned. 

Indiana Mom Admits to Throwing Teen Sex Parties With High School Boys

Son of a bitch! Where were these parties when I was in High School?  You know how hard it is to get laid in your teenage years when you have zero game?  Here I am wasting my time playing NHL 93 in my buddies garage when I could have been balls deep in Mrs. Robinson while high-fiving Gary from gym class as he stuffs the other side. I'd be a certified legend at Mansfield High School...

Wait. She looks like this?

Oh nevermind. Fuck that shit. I'd rather keep my blue balls to myself and play NHL 93 all Friday night while crushing budlights.

Ps. Her lawyers defense is "she went through a divorce?" Oh thats fine then. Fuck all the little boys you need until you feel good about yourself again. I mean age is just a number right?

Brockton Rox To Sell Worlds Most Expensive $80 Foot Long Hot Dog. Wait. What?

The Boston Channel.com
BOSTON -- You expect to pay a little more for food and beers at a baseball park -- but $80 for a foot-long hot dog? The Brockton Rox are trying to set a new Guinness World Record with what could be the world's most expensive hot dog, according to The Enterprise. The McMullen is a half-pound, all-beef hot dog rolled in truffle oil that's coated with porcini dust and sprinkled with white truffle shavings, the newspaper reported. It's then topped with dollops of creme fraiche and caviar. This hot dog comes nestled in a special roll that is made by a Cape Cod-based bakery. The delicacy goes on sale when the Rox host Newark to coincide with National Hot Dog Day, and it will become a permanent fixture on the menu. Anyone interested in shelling out the big bucks for a hot dog needs to give the park 24-hour notice in case the team needs to ship in any ingredients. The current Guinness record holder in the category is the Foot Long Haute Dog, which is sold for $69 at Serendipity 3 in New York.


The only thing worse than driving into Brockton is driving into Brockton and buying an $80 hot dog.  Is Brocktion kidding me with this shit? They will be lucky if they sell more than 2 of these things and clearly the ball park agrees with me. "Anyone interested in shelling out the big bucks for a hot dog needs to give the park 24-hour notice in case the team needs to ship in any ingredients." So Massholes who want in on this ripoff of a deal have to call in thier hot dog order? Have you ever heard of this shit before? Good luck with that Brockton Rox.


Oh wait! They're playing Newark?!? Oh then that changes everything. Nothing like 2 of the greatest cities in the world coming together to battle it out on the old dirt diamond. 

As bad as Brockton is it can't hold a candle to Newark. When you live in NJ people look at you dead in the eye and tell you to lock your car doors and don't drive through certain areas at night.  When you chuckle afterwards waiting for the punch line they just stare right back stone cold. Shits no joke brah.You want to live or you want to die?

I Wanted To Smush With Hope Solo So Bad Until I Saw This Video Of Her On Letterman

Like is it just me or are those the broadest fuckin shoulders you have ever seen in your life? I can't stop looking at them while she talks. Shit is distracting as hell. Chicks got Shoulders reminiscent to George Muresan.  I'm pretty sure I could get past it but it would haunt me throughout our entire date.

Los Angeles Department of Transportation Fires Guy For Wearing the Company Uniform While Being In a Porno

VIDEO REPORT

View more videos at: http://nbclosangeles.com.

LATIMES

The Los Angeles Department of Transportation has fired a 23-year veteran employee who appeared in uniform three years ago in a pornographic video. Traffic officer John K. Dancler was discharged Monday. He challenged his firing on the same day, filing an appeal with the city’s five-member Civil Service Commission, said Maggie Whelan, general manager for the city’s Personnel Department. Dancler was hired in 1988 and earned nearly $56,000 annually. Whelan would not give a reason for the termination. [Updated at 2 p.m. July 21: Bruce Whidden, executive director of the Civil Service Commission, said Dancler was dismissed for engaging in “misconduct on the job and in uniform” and “indecent acts” that reflected unfavorably on the city workforce. Those acts included “groping the bare breasts, spanking the bare buttocks and being straddled by an adult video actress in public” around March 2008, he said. The investigation was conducted nearly three months ago, after a report on the porn video was aired by KNBC-TV (Channel 4). Dancler's lawyer could not be reached for comment.] Another traffic officer who appeared in the video, Vaughn Dorsey, still works for the department, Whelan said.

Um, so what is this guy guilty of, being a man?  I mean here this guy is working just minding his own business and a porn star comes up to him and is basically like "touch my tits?"  Can't blame old John here for giving a couple of squeezes and grabbin some ass right?  Get off your high horse Los Angeles DOT. Dudes a fuckin traffic cop, not the State  Police. This guy has to deal with fuckin ass holes all day and the one time he gets to have fun at work you fire him? Bull shit!  If John K. Dancler is guilty of anything hes is guilty of being a man hard at work just trying to enjoy his day and serve the great poeple of Los Angeles. 

PS. How bad did the "hidden voices" in that video report sound? Shit creeped me out. One of those Fuckers talking sounded just like the lolipop kids.

VIDEO: Sewer Geyser Lifts the Shit Out Of This Car

This Car got the fuckin shit douched out of it huh? Eh, who gives a fuck. It was a Ford Focus. Wheres that Flo Cunt when you need her?

2 Kids From NJ Will Have To Register As Sex Offenders For Holding Down and Farting In Another Kids Face

Boston Herald

TRENTON, N.J. — Two New Jersey teenagers face registering for life as sex offenders under Megan’s Law for what their lawyers claim was horseplay. An appeals court agreed the boys, who were 14, engaged in sexual contact when they held down two 12-year-old boys in Somerset County in 2008 and placed their bare buttocks on their faces. The ruling means the boys would have to register under Megan’s Law because the court said sexual contact applies to touching for the purpose of humiliation. The judges wrote they were "keenly aware" of the ruling’s ramifications for the boys and for others. The judges sent both cases back to a lower court to consider whether one boy can withdraw his guilty plea and whether the other received effective counsel.

Aaahh, boys will be boys.  These 2 little bastarads are fucked for life.  I can't wait till they pass through college some 10 years from now and have to apply for a job.  The whole interview goes great until HR asks them "so, have you ever been convicted of a felony?"  "Yes, mama.  When I was 14 my best friend held another boy down so I could crop dust right in his face."  Boom. Interview is over right there. Like I don't give a fuck if that was ten years ago or not. That story will spread so fast through office emails its not even funny. Even if this creepy crop duster does get hired everyone in the office will look at him like he's still 14.  When he goes to the lunch room bro's will elbow each other and piss themselves laughing.  "Yo, Josh. Isn't that Billy from Fund Accounting?  I heard when he was 14 years old he shit on some kids face while his buddy held him down."  Of course that didn't happen but this story will be re told so many times it will take on a mythical status.

So ya. These 2 kids are fucked for life.

The Fart at the 1:17 mark is ruthless. Like im pretty sure that kid shit his pants a little bit.

Ps. I def did the fart at the 1:40 mark to my sister at least 4 times a week in high school and religiously with out fail every Sunday morning.

VIDEO: How Bad Do You Want To Punch This Dude Who Wrestles Sharks On A Regular Basis?

"He does this on a regular basis, just so you know." Blah, blah, blah. Fuck this guy. What is that a sand shark?  Does that thing even have teeth. Real Bad-ass there brah. Anyone can grab a sand shark by its tail and hold him upside down for 30 minutes until hes fatigued.  Shit, I was wrestling sand sharks when I was 5 years old down Race Point beach on the Cape Cod National Seashore. Dad would catch em and I would wrestle em. Actually, it was more like dad would catch em and I would poke the shit of their eye balls with a stick then run away like a little bitch when it tried to bite me.

(Yup, big rod)

Anyway, this guy can go fuck himself. Come on down to Chatham some time dude and Kayak here for a bit. We got some real sharks for you to play grab ass with.

VIDEO: Jersey Shore Season 4 Trailer Just Hit The Web

The train wreck fuckin continues. Lets not bullshit here, this show fuckin sucks now but I'm in so deep I can't stop watching.  Is there any doubt that the episode where the Situation gets knocked out by Ronnie will be the highest TV rating that  MTV has ever received?  People love to watch and read about stupid shit and people getting fucked up. Which is why bloggers like me know I can write about this kinda debauchery for the rest of my life and people will continue to want more.

Did the Situation really get taken out via stretcher from a punch? This show is so scripted its not even funny. But it still wont deter my pathetic ass from watching my man crush, Pauly D.

PS. I Still can't believe my college "The R" paid Snooki $32,000 to give words of wisdom to students

Massholes Can Soon Buy Their Lottery Tickets Online?

Boston Herald

A Beacon Hill push under way today to sell Lottery tickets online — which backers say could boost cash-strapped state coffers by as much as $1 billion a year — is getting strong support from an unlikely corner — liberal icon U.S. Rep. Barney Frank… Lawmakers today are slated to mull a bill requiring the state Lottery to launch a pilot program letting players use their credit cards to buy tickets on the Internet — a plan proponents say could eventually spike sales by 10 percent to 25 percent, potentially raising another $1 billion a year for hard-pressed cities and towns.

25 percent. Thats it?  I'm thinking more like 50 percent. Beacon Hill is underestimating how many people creep on the internet. So your trying to tell me that I can watch the Bruins, creep on chicks through Facebook and now buy a mega millions ticket all from my lazy-boy recliner?  I mean half the reason I don't buy lottery tickets because I always think of it last minute and I don't feel like driving all the way to the gas station to stand in line with all those psycho degenerate gamblers. You know, those grimy lookin fuckers that play Keno for a half hour, buy a few scratch tickets and then go out to their car and scratch them only to walk right back in 5 minutes later to repeat the whole process all over again? No thanks. Those people make me feel like a loser everytime I try to play the lottery. Now I can feel like a winner while getting my lotto ticket online in between my Facebook creeping of  Jenny's "Summer 2011 With My Besties!" bikini photos.

If this shit really goes down I am going to be gambling like a son of a bitch, swimming in Money

3 Year Old Corn Hole "Prodigy" Cheats Like a Mutherfucker

Fuckin prodigy my ass.  This little cocksucker is standing 5 feet away.  Great parenting here. Way to teach your son to cheat his ass off like a pussy. I bet this is the same kinda kid that leans over the table with no regard for the elbow rule during beer pong. Bush League Bro. Back the Fuck up ten more feet then we'll talk.

MUST WATCH VIDEO: This Fight Video Barstool Sports Just Posted Is Fuckin Insane

Barstool Sports

There are so many poeple coming in and out of the frame its nuts. The kill shots in this fight are epic. Like Im pretty sure that kid who gets his head punted at the 1:04 mark is fuckin dead.  I havent seen kicks like this since I played Double Dragon in 5th grade.

PS. Im pretty Sure I thought about banging the lady with the spiked hair and chains everytime I played Double Dragon. S&M?

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: 3 Ladies Get in My Cab and One of Their Heads Lands in My Lap

Im just winding down my shift on Thursday and Im about to gas up my cab and head in. As I'm diving to the gas station I get flagged down by this group of 3 woman.  They want a ride to the ferry in Vineyard Haven which fuckin blows because traffic heading in that direction has been brutal all day. Whatever, they hop in and I begin to drive. Sure enough we get stuck in stop and go traffic.  So all these chicks who are married and in thier 40's have been drinking most of the day.  I gather this info from the conversation we are having. One of the woman is really shitfaced and decides its a good idea to start sexting pictures to her husband. Let me point out to you that we are in my cab in broad day light.

So this chick is directly behind my seat so I cant really see her. At first I have no idea what the fuck is going on until one of the girls goes "oh, you probly shouldn't look back here." To which I reply "oh yea?" Before I can even turn my head and look, I see this chicks ass hanging out with her pants down to her knees yelling at her friends to take a picture with her cell phone. Mind you this chick pulling her pants down is actually pretty hot. Her firends are pissing themselves laughing trying to get her to pull her pants back up. Once her pants are back on this drunk chick decides its a good Idea to take a picture with her spread out like Jesus on the cross along my dashboard. At this point I am like WTF is this bitch doing? So she falls down in the middle of the passenger and drivers seat leaning up against my dashboard and then starts to lift up her shirt. As she is doing this traffic is at a complete stand still and I am just full on watching. Like fuck this dude. This is my cab. I'm going to stare right at you and your leopard print bra while you rub yourself and take dirty pics for your future ex husband.

After getting a few pics along my dashboard she then thinks its a great idea to get in my passenger seat. As she goes to get in from the back to the front she takes an epic nose dive right into the door panel. The thud from her skull hitting the door was so loud I literally thought she knocked herself out.  Without missing a beat she sits right up and laughs it off like nothing happend. Then for some reason she tries to stand up and readjust herself and takes another nose dive.  This time her head lands in my lap.

Now let me reiterate, we are sitting in traffic on a bright sunny day in Marthas Vineyard and this chick is face down on my crotch. I cant really do anything because we are rolling at 5 MPH. Her friends are laughing so hard they cant pick her up. So her mouth and face are just chilling near the zipper of my pants for 10 seconds straight.  At one point these 2 dudes walked by the cab and started pointing and fist pumping to me cause they thought I was getting a BJ. So like the dick that I am I fist pump back and smile. Her head might have been there for more than 10 seconds, Im not even exaggerating. Like she was dead weight drunk laughing to herself while breathing heavily on my hog. Lets not bullshit here though. I gave zero effort to help this chick up. She could of left her face there all afternoon, I wasnt moving it.  Eventually her friends helped her up and she sat upright for the rest of the ride.

When I dropped them off I came around to open the doors and I had to catch the drunk one as she was about to fall face first to the pavement. Once I got her to her feet her friends thanked me and then proceeded to touch my face and verbally come on to me while slipping me a 15 dollar tip. People were looking at us in shock. It was quite the scene.  As they walked away a parking officer came over to me smiling and asked, "hey man, what just happend with those chicks." I just looked at him shaking my head and said "I don't know dude, but I got a boner."

Previous Taxi Cab Blogs

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Training Day

VIDEO: I Had a Meltdown In My Cab Today When I Got Lost In The Middle Of West Tisbury

So I have to deliver this package today to someones house in West Tisbury here on the Vineyard. Its common for our cab company to deliver packages from time to time.  The package ended up being from Hollywood, CA  Universal Studios. It litterlaly was these huge rolls of film that you would see used at a movie theater. Anyway, its fuckin hot a balls today and I'm delivering this package to god knows where. So I get lost and my cell phone gets no reception and our cab companies Nextell also gets no reception. At one point I just stop in the middle of this epic size yard. I look over to my right and its just me and these 2 fuckin goats chillin in 90 degree heat looking at each other (see above photo). So I start to loose it, coming to the relaizating that this asshole has so much money you could fit about 8 Gillette Staduims inside his yard. Like thats not a fuckin understatement. For some reason I decided to record some of my meltdown on video. Here it is.

Eventually I got cell reception and called this guy and he met me in the middle of this field where we exchanged the packages like a drug deal. He gets out and chuckles in his British accent "Oh I see you got lost. Happens all the time. haha."  Ya, haha you son of a bitch. I've been lost in your Nantucket sized front yard for 20 minutes. This is a waste of my time.  As he pulled alway I couldnt stop thinking how much money this guy had and how I was driving a cab with major swamp ass, getting paid shit. Fuckin rich asshole.

British Man Gets Eyeball Pecked Out by Seabird While Trying To Save It

FOX NEWS

GOWER, Wales –  A Welsh animal lover was blinded in one eye after a seabird he tried to rescue pecked his eyeball out of its socket.  Michael Buckland, 38, was walking with his girlfriend on a beach in Gower, South Wales, when the couple spotted a gannet that seemed unable to walk or fly, the Western Mail reported Tuesday. Buckland lifted the animal away from the incoming tide, but it was startled by a passing dog and began pecking at his face -- piercing his right eyeball three times with its razor-sharp six-inch beak. The welder's left eyelid was sliced in two and his right eye dangled from his face following the attack. Drenched in blood, he then had to walk back along the beach for 45 minutes before he and his girlfriend could reach help. Buckland said, "I put my right hand to my face and I felt there was a big hole where my eye was meant to be. My eye was hanging out and I had to put it back in on the beach. I didn't feel it was there, until I felt it at the side." A specialist surgeon threaded 11 stitches across Buckland's right eyeball and the movement of his eye was saved -- but medical staff were unable to save his sight. He was permanently scarred across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. "All I can see through my bad eye now is a bright light -- I can see bright colors and bright lights, but that's it," he added. "If I go outside now, it feels like a needle is going through it." A spokesman from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) said, "This is an extremely rare, one-off event. If it is absolutely necessary to handle a wild animal, you should do so with extreme caution." He added, "We would recommend that if you see an injured animal, you report it to the RSPCA.

Report it to RSPCA? I recommend you get far away as fuckin possible. 45 minute walk along the beach while holding in your right eye ball? Sounds like a great day at the beach. What the hell was this guy trying to do, hug it and nurse it back to health? Its a friggin bird bro. Just kick the thing away from the water. Loosing a pinky toe is a hell of a lot better than loosing and eye ball.

Ps. I have to admit here that I've saved some animals in my day. However I only save one kind.  I got a weak spot for turtles. My ass will literally stop and hold up traffic to get out of my car and remove a turtle from the middle of the road.  Not sure where this obbsession came from, but I turn into mother Teresa when I see a turtle in distress.

US Solider Makes Youtube Video Inviting Mila Kunis To a Ball and She Says Yes

Huffington Post

Mila Kunis will be serving her country this November, but instead of camouflage fatigues, she'll be dressed up in a ball gown. Sgt. Scott Moore, of the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines in Musa Qala, Afghanistan, posted a video to YouTube last week asking the "Friends with Benefits" star to accompany him to the Marine Corps. Ball on November 18th in Greenville, North Carolina. It may have seemed a longshot at first, but thanks to the power of the internet, he now has a very famous date. Fox News asked Kunis, who was with co-star Justin Timberlake at the time, if she had seen the video, and whether she'd attend the ball. Timberlake, ever the ladies man, helped make it happen. "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? You need to do it for your country," he told her. And even though Timberlake said he wouldn't come along, Kunis confirmed that she'd be attending.  "I'll do it," she said, setting up what will most definitely be the flashiest couple in North Carolina this November.

Wait. Thats it? Only a 19 second video and she said yes? This is fuckin bullshit dude. If I'd had know a 19 second youtube video could get me a hot chick to a dance I would have tried that shit years ago.  You know how bad-ass I would have looked showing up to Mansfield High School Prom with Kelly Kaposwki?  She wouldnt be able to reseit my carisma oozing through the computer screen. And im not talking the Kelly Kaposki on saved by the bell. Im talking about when she went to 90210 and became a little conniving slut.  I'd strut right in the Holiday Inn ball room like I owned the place. Would be giving head nods and winks to all my buddies who wanted to be me.  Throughout the night I'd Just keep feeding her some of that spiked punch. Then when stairway to heaven came on I would make my move at the 6 minute mark (standard procedure) slide my hands down and grab some Bayside High ass. Then the rest would be history.

But seriously good for this soldier. Dude is going to be the man at this fuckin ball.

Ps. Why would Timberlake come? We all know threes a company and my man Sgt. Scott Moore doesn't need old JT cock blocking his ass.

VIDEO: Chick Celebrates On Stage During Graduation and Proceeds to Take Epic Faceplant

Hit it! Nah na, na, na, nah. Na, na, na, nah. Na, na, na, na.  Here Comes the HotStepper, Murderer. I'm the lyrical gangsta... oh shit! Thats what you get for hot doggin your graduation walk bitch. Hows ya face? Leave the styling, profiling of graduation day to the professionals. Like the kid who decided to make it rain. Dude came prepared with 100 dollars in ones and certified himself as a legend at his high school. This chick on the other hand will most likely have to go to counseling for the rest of her life. There's no coming back from that.

Ps. I love how the 2 guys handing out the diplomas just stand there and chuckle. No need to worry guys, one of your students just knocked themselves out on stage. No big deal.

Lady in Texas Gives Birth to a 16 Pound Baby Nicknamed "Moose"

Jesus christ. A 16 pound baby? Thats like giving birth to a full grown pug. I would love to see one of those cunts from teen mom try to raise this baby. The bitch Farrah might want to hold off on buying those breast implants. This 16 pound baby is going to eat like a muthafucka. Save your money honey. Litte "moose" here is going to eat a hole in your bank account so fast its going to make your head spin. Or how bout that if that beast Amber had this kid? I would just watch the show to see who took the bigger shits, Gary or the baby.

Ps. 100 percent chance that 20 years from now JaMicheal "Moose" Johnson is a left tackle in the NFL.

Kids probably already hung like a horse.

Does This Look Like The Face Of Bass Player That Was Arrested Hours Before He Was Supposed to Preform At The Comcast Center In Mansfield For Robbing A Walgreen's for Pain Pills?

Sun Chronicle
MANSFIELD - The bass player for the rock band Coheed and Cambria was arrested today in connection with the holdup of an Attleboro pharmacy hours before the band was scheduled to play in concert at the Comcast Center. Michael Todd, 30, whose band was the scheduled opening act for tonight's headliner Soundgarden, is accused of being the robber who held up the Walgreen's on Pleasant Street in Attleboro just before 1 p.m., according to authorities. Attleboro police say a man wearing black shorts and a blue T-shirt asked to speak to a pharmacist and then showed her a note on his cell phone. "He told her he had a bomb and that he wanted pills," Attleboro Detective Sgt. Arthur Brillon said the note read. The robber fled the pharmacy, which had other customers inside at the time, with about six bottles of pain pills, Brillon said. Shortly afterward, a witness saw a man with the same description running from the former Del's Lemonade stand a short distance away from the pharmacy and get into a mini-van style cab, Brillon said. Attleboro police dispatchers identified the cab company out of Sharon and learned about 15 minutes later that a fare had been picked up and brought to the Comcast Center to the tour bus area. Attleboro police contacted the Comcast Center and Mansfield police, who responded to the area backstage where the tour buses were parked, Brillon said. Todd, of Anaheim, Calif., was arrested without incident by Mansfield Sgt. Larry Crosman after a subsequent investigation in which Todd was identified as the suspect by the cab driver, the pharmacist and from store surveillance video, according to police.


So was this a new age style of robbery?  Todd texted "I have a bomb and I want Pills" on his cell phone and then showed it to the pharmasist? Bravo Todd, way to use your head brah. Too bad you thought it was a good idea to take a cab straight to the Comast Center Great Woods tour buss section. What a fuckin idiot.  This is Mansfield dick head not Boston.  Taking a Cab to a public place in the "burbs" makes you stick out like a sore thumb. Its not like you can blend in with 1000 other cabs.


Ps. I hate to break it to you dude but I have been using this cell phone technique for on women for years.  If your having one of those days you feel like a pussy and you want to make a power move just type it into your cell phone and hand it to her to read. If you time it up right and add a little wink face emoticon at the end of whatever you said chances are she will be down.  I often meet girls on my own and my wingman is my cell phone. Much like Goose and Maverick, Together we are a lethal combination.

DTF? ;)


  

I Have a Confession to Make

BOSTON -- Great white sharks have returned to Cape Cod.

There have been three great white sharks spotted off the eastern side of Cape Cod in the past week, according to Greg Skomal of the Division of Marine Fisheries. On Friday, a boater spotted a shark off the southern side of Monomoy Island. The next day, a fisherman spotted a great white about three-quarters of a mile off Truro. On Tuesday, a spotter pilot saw a great white north of Chatham.

I have a confession to make. I have a major phobia of getting eaten by a shark. Like I'm not fuckin kidding.  I cant go more than 15-20 feet from the shore without having an internal mini panic attack that a shark is going to bite my leg off. I have always had this fear. Ever since I watched the movie Jaws this crippling anxiety has been inside me.  The fact that Jaws was fillmed on this Island just adds to my phobia. Most Massholes laugh it off. "Ha, another Shark Siting off the Cape. looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat! haha!"  Fuck that dude. This is no laughing matter. One of those great whites recently spotted is going to eat me as I swim off State Beach. 

I cant be the only Masshole with this issue can I?  

Fuck you Steven Spielberg for making me act like a 10 year old girl every time I go more than 15 feet into the ocean.

Couple Arrested In Martha's Vineyard For Fucking On Top of a Mini-Cooper. Wait. What?

MVTIMES
A Pittsburgh man and a Boston woman with apparently too much libido and not enough discretion landed in jail on July Fourth. At 2:30 am, Oak Bluffs police officers Jeff Trudel and Damien Harris responded to a report "of a couple having intercourse in the roadway." The manager of a rental car company reported to police that the couple was having sex in the parking lot behind the Dreamland building that once housed the Ocean Club and a game arcade. According to the police report, the manager "was concerned that one of the Mini-Coopers could possibly be damaged because the couple was having sex on the hood of the car." According to the police report, the late night frolic began in the nearby Sand Bar and Grill on the harbor, where the couple was asked to leave. "They were getting it on, on the dance floor," the report quoted one employee. The police officers arrived at the parking lot, flashlights in hand. "I illuminated the vehicle and witnessed a pair of women's cut-off jeans shorts turned inside out on the hood of the car," Officer Trudel wrote. "A baseball cap was on the ground adjacent to the car. I then illuminated the area and witnessed a trail of men's and women's clothing leading to the stairwell which continues to the second story landing behind Dreamland." Officer Trudel followed the trail up the stairs with his flashlight to the second story landing, where he saw Akil A. Henderson, 29, of Pittsburgh and Aziza Robinson, 24, of Boston in flagrante.  Officer Trudel looked around to see if anyone else had observed the couple. He saw a man he knew and asked him how long he had been standing there. The witness, unidentified in the police report, "stated he had been watching both parties for approximately 15 minutes ... he said that the couple started on the hood of the Mini-Cooper and proceeded up the stairs to the balcony. ... Sounded like she was getting beat because she was screaming so loud." Officer Trudel wrote in his report, "I thanked him for his time and returned to Officer Harris's location. Confronted by police, the couple was indignant. "Robinson and Henderson were being loud, laughing and joking about the incident," the report said. Officer Harris said it was not a joking matter. "Yes it is," they said, according to the report. The laughing stopped when police said they were to be placed under arrest for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. Ms. Robinson resisted the efforts of police to place her in handcuffs and place her in the patrol car, police said. Officer Trudel said he attempted to push Ms. Robinson's feet into the cruiser. He wrote, "She cocked back her right leg and quickly extended it striking her right heel into my face." Police added resisting arrest and assault and battery on a police officer to Ms. Robinson's list of charges.  "A check of the area revealed a pair of high heels, a pair of women's underwear, and a pair of men's underwear strewn across the parking lot," police said. The couple spent the rest of the night in jail.

Here I am thinking I'm Rico Swave taking my chicks to State Beach and this fuckin asshole has to one up me by taking his chick on top of a Mini-Cooper? Fuck off bro.  You just raised the bar for every guy here on the island. Now we have to come up with original shit to top it.  I cant just pick up a girl from a bar on Circuit Ave and ask if she wants to "take a ride" to the beach.  I have to turn it up a notch.  She's gonna look at me like "dude are you fuckin serious? Did you hear about the girl last week waking up the entire Oak Bluffs harbor with the sound of her orgazims?  Ya I want that. Fuck this blanket on the beach shit Chief. This isnt 1980 and you're not Don Johnson."

Like how that fuck am I supposed to top that? Do I climb up on one of those Tour busses or a cab and have my buddy drive it around while we screw on top? Then after I bust a nut I have to surf on the top like Stiles form Teen Wolf? I mean I'll pretty much do anything to nail a hot chick but the game just got a whole lot tougher.

PS. Lets not fuckin forget about this guy  The witness, unidentified in the police report, "stated he had been watching both parties for approximately 15 minutes ... he said that the couple started on the hood of the Mini-Cooper and proceeded up the stairs to the balcony. ... Sounded like she was getting beat because she was screaming so loud." Umm, maybe its just me but this guy is the oddest fucking part of the whole story. So let me get this straight. The cop asks this dude how long he's been watching and he goes 15 minutes?  Seriously, 15 minutes?  Like we just are supposed to glance over that part? Then this guys disappears into the darkness no where to be found like he's fuckin Bruce Wayne. Lets call a spade a spade. This guy watched for 2 people bang on a mini coop for 15 minutes than ran home to rub one out. You know it, I know and Officer Trudel knows it.  

Double Ps. Is there a bigger tool bag in the history of Movies than Stiles from Teen Wolf? In my book he has to be a top 5 all time douche bag in movie history right up there with that Kevin kid from American Pie.

Get A Load Of This Dickhead Strutting Through Vineyard Haven In a Rainbow Jumpsuit

This guy litterally stopped traffic on Saturday morning. Seeing a black dude in what looks to be a tie dye Greatful dead jumpsuit is just not something you see everyday. I had people in my cab and I was so in Shock I actually said out loud "holy shit look at this muthafucker. I need a picture of this!"  Guy just strolled right down the middle of 5 corners like he owned the whole island. I kinda admire his "I dont give a fuck" attitude. Anyone who wears a suit like that has to have and ego the size of Nantucket.

Play on Playa

VIDEO: Race Night In Atlanta Looks Like Fun

No sterotypes here huh?  Just some clean cut well groomed people enjoying a wholesome night at the race track. I love how this Richard Petty looking dude takes one last swig of his beer before he decides to break up this fight between this 4 some of whitetrash.  It only takes about 10 seconds for him to get knocked out after he decides to interject. Bad move grandpa.  Nobody fucks witht the Bushwackers and gets away with it.

I have no idea why I continusly see poeple try to break up these fights. Just sit back and enjoy these idiots beating the fuck out of each other. You get to go home with out a concussion and you got front row seats to a tag team fight.  Win, win if you ask me

"Nigga he still sleepin!"

How The Fuck is This Casey Anthony Bitch Not Guilty?

Holy Shit. Did the Jury just comeback from a 4th of July weekend of binge drinking?  I never seen anyone more guilty in my life. Sure that OJ Simpson muthafucker was one thing but this chick had guilty written all over her face.  I mean the defense's case was so weak the basically went with "Casey was molested by her father therefore she is just really fucked up?" Really thats it? Like I'm no judge Judy but this fuckin Cunt was guilty as sin. I hope this bitch burns in hell. 

But before you burn in hell honey holla at me. You're crazy as fuck which = freak in the sack