The Traditional Thanksgiving Eve Blog: A Cornucopia of Bullshit

So, I am getting to that age where I really have to start thinking about when it is time for me to retire from Thanksgiving Eve. I mean shit, I'm almost 30 years-old. I know my time should be coming to an end. You look at great MHS legends that no longer make an appearances. For one reason or another at somepoint they realize it's time to hang it up. Some get married, others have children and some people just move too far away. Most townies have had enough of the shit show and just know its time to hang-em up.

...Me, I'm on pace to never get married and I dont have any kids. (at least none that I know about.) So the way I look at it I am prob never going to retire from Thanksgiving eve. I know I will end up being that 35 year-old son of a bitch that can't let it go. I will be like the Brett Favre of Thanksgivng Eve. I'll be hanging on for so long that Kids I use to watch at the YMCA when they were 10, will soon be drinking right along side me. And the whole time they are talking to me they will be saying to themselves, "Dam this mutha fucka is too old to be out tonight." (and they will be right.) Shit, Who knows. Maybe in a few years I will be 32, have kids and a wife. But, it's more likely I am going to be like George Clooney, 40 plus years-old never going to get tied down to any thing. Bachelor 4-life. Well, enough of listening to my sweet fuckin 5 year plan. Bottom line, as long as I am single with no kids I'm going to ABUSE THE FUCKIN SHIT OUT OF THANKSGIVING EVE.

This year this blog is dedicated to those of us that won't make it out this year. Good for you. Unlike me you prob actually have a life and have something better to do than trying to drink yourself into a coma and get stuck into awkward never ending conversations with peeps you havent talked too since 1999. This blog is also dedicated to every townie that had no choice. To every townie that stood in line at that one fuckin bar that everyone in town couldn’t properly fit into. To all the townies who had a case of swamp ass from just standing in line at the Pic just to get in. To all the townies that said to themselves…

• “WTF! This line is so long I'm freezing my nuts off out here!”
• “Why the fuck is it so hot in here,I feel claustrophobic.”
• “Why did we come here again?”
• “It smells like BO in here.”
• “Fuck this, next year im not going out!”

Now, without further fahkin adieu. THE THANKSGIVING EVE BLOG…

November 23rd 2011 8pm. at Any Bar In Massachusetts, (Thanksgiving Eve)

It's quite possibly could be the biggest drinking day of the year. With Thanksgiving Day just hours away everyone is back home to be their families and friends. There is a building anticipation as the night gets near knowing that there are so many people that you are going to renew acquaintances with. The local bars are sure to be filled to capacity with lines streaming out the door. So with all this hype built up, what's it actually like when you get inside? Well to be honest with ya… it's a big shit show!

Let me preface the points I'm going to make by telling you that throughout this Shit show at the local bar, you will have a voice inside your head narrating your night. You know, like Fred Savage in The Wonder Years. So when you see any words inside parenthesis, it is your inner thoughts speaking to you in addition to what you are really thinking.

The night starts with a little pre-game at a friend's house. (Cause god knows you can't handle this night anywhere near sober.) So about 3-5 beers deep, couple of shots and/or funnels the men head out. The women head out after having half of a Michelob Ultra and a glass of White Zin. (probably from the box.) The men have a slight buzz and a grin on their face. While the women are claiming they're bleeped faced and complaining that they are cold.

When you arrive, it is clear that this bar is packed! Every town has its watering hole where the locals get tanked the night before Thanksgiving. In Mansfield, this place use to be the Piccadilly Pub/99 in Foxboro. Every town is the same. Once you get into this place it's hot as hell (A case of mid summer swamp ass to go along with passionate pits like you never thought you could have) and people are standing shoulder to shoulder.

When you take a step in you serve the scene like Tom Brady looking over the Pittsburgh Steelers defense. You lean in and and say some shit to your friend like. “Hey, hey. Don’t look now but so and so is to your right. No, No, don’t look dude! She is looking over here at me!" (nice thanks for fuckin looking bro, now I have to talk to her. You know what dude? you're a real douche) ...Within seconds you know which areas of the bar to avoid and which areas to attack. (I don't give a shit how hard you try to avoid someone… on this night they are gonna get ya!)

As you and your crew meander through the mob scene like Adrian Grenier and his entourage there is something that all guys do to each other. Every guy busts out the head nod, followed by a "what's up Dude?" (I've done so many head nods by the end of the night I feel like I am going to puke and could possibly be suffering from shaken baby syndrome.) So 99.9 percent of the conversations start and sound something like this… "Hey what's up, how ya been?" (BOOM! one second in and I already dont give a fuck) 30 minutes later the conversation is over. (I was looking for a quick 5 min summary, cliff notes if you will. Not the past 8 years of you're life)

Genuinely there are many people you look forward talking to, but on this night, we all get stuck in about 5-10 conversations that we could give a flying fuck about. This is true, it happens to all of us. Heck on this night there are going to be a few people that talk to me and are saying to themselves "Shut the fuck up Chief!" (Hey, it's ok because I'm 110% sure I will be thinking the same thing about you:)

Anyway… these awkward conversations have can have a number of elements to them. Here's a list...

• People that like to talk 5 inches away from your face. (Umm personal space... Back the fuck up bitch)
• Girls that like to give you the we are "Best friends" hug (Even though I talked to you like twice in high school. Ok fine, here's an "ass-out" hug) (*If you're hot I'll prob sneak an ass-in hug*)
• The kid that keeps talking to you all night and you have no fucking idea who he is. (How do I know you? And as soon as he walks away you nudge your friend and Say, “dude who the fuck was that?”)
• The tough guy that has to give you the hand crusher/military handshake. (fuck you buddy. My ego is not built off of if I can crush another dudes hand)
• The girl that can't stop telling old stories about herself...

All of these conversations eventually come to an end. But, watch out for this… "Hey let me get your number sometime… maybe we can hang out."( Ummm ya… maybe you can spoon feed me some more of that fresh bullshit stew your brewing) All of you know this will happen. Hey, it’s one thing if any of these people actually called you. However, you have blazed down this bullshit trail before. You are a thanksgiving eve veteran and we both know that none of these people ever call you. (New for 2011, Hey I’ll Facebook you! Sweet now I can know what you are doing all hours of the day! Even though I could give 2 shits. Yes!)

Guys, you're gonna know where I’m going with this next point. Mostly girls do this "Hey let me get your number" thing. A few of them will go "let me see your cell phone and I'll put my number in." (Get you're clammy hands off my crappy Zack Morris Nokia cell phone bitch!) There is no way of getting out of this without being a complete ass. As you walk away you'll say some BS like, "Ya, I'll give ya a call. Hit ya up sometime." (Ya right I will)

This night might mean more to me if I wasn't a 29 year old former Mansfield townie. But, Unfortunately I am. Here is how I know …

• For 7 years I worked at the Mansfield YMCA 2 minutes away from my house.
• The people at Mansfield Deli use to know me by name. Also when I used to walk into Quan's kitchen I could just smile and Mr. Quan would say. "D-5 for you?" (your god dam right Mr. Quan. Love me a D-5)
• Subconsciously while driving I can avoid every pothole on rt. 106.
• I feel like going anywhere outside of a 5-mile radius from my home is "far away."
• I never paid for ice cream at Sweet N’ Crafty because I knew everyone that worked there.
• I still call the Comcast Center "Great Woods."
….There is more but you get the point.

So by the end of the night some of the following things are guaranteed to be in your thoughts… There is going to be someone you talked to tonight that you wished you were friends with in high school. There is going to be a girl/guy you see that looks a lot better now that they did back in 1999. (There is also going to be a girl/guy you see that took the freshman 15 and added another 15 lbs to that …What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?) There is gonna be that one person that you wanted to slap in the face all night like Charlie Murphy wanted to do to Rick James.

Regardless what you're thinking, Thanksgiving Eve is good night. There is nothing better than reminiscing about the Glory Days. (Like the time Jeff Buck Supposildy threatend to blow up the school online and none of us went to class. we just kept driving down East St. seeing if there was smoke coming from the school. Long live "Jeff Buck" day, 2001) Your cheeks will hurt from smiling too much. (Or Fake smiling sometimes that hurts more.)

Ok, well I hope to see you crazy sons of bitches out at Patriots Place tonight. (Actually, I really only care to see about 10 of you) If your looking for me I wont be hard to find. I'll be the guy hidding in a group of people, acting like I care what you are saying, fake laughing, busting out the "Whats up dude" head nod and giving chicks bomb ass-out hugs.

Happy Thanksgiving Fuckers