It's Called Bruins: Adam Oates Gets Elected to The Hall of Fame

I grew up in the era of Bruins hockey when Cusick was calling  games, Neely was scroing goals and Adam Oates was creating offense like Rondo on skates. There hasn't been a center to put on a Bruins sweater that could create offense like Adam Oates (Savard was close). Not only could he pass, but he could score on his own shot and was dominant at the faceoff circle. Plus he was a fuckin boss in NHL 94 for Sega. Just blowing by guys... right, left, right, shoot, score.

   

 What a pimp Oates was in this commercial. The NHL does a brutal job of marketing their star athletes but the guy who created this gem should be sitting on a pile of money somewhere in Kokomo. This is what the NHL needs more of.

"You're off-sides." "Wouldn't be the first time."

P.I.M.P

Grocery Shopping On Martha's Vineyard During The Summer My Be The Worst Chore To Preform Known To Man Kind

 

You ever been last minute food shopping on Thanksgiving eve or mall shopping on Black Friday? It's a good time right? People running around the store like fuckin psychos trying to get last minute preparations done for the big holiday or on Black Friday the people that will kill their own kids just to get 20 percent of a Coach purse. It's a god dam nightmare of tremendous proportions. Well, imagine that scenario but it follows you around everyday of your life for 3 months any time you shop. That my friends is what it's like to grab something from a grocery store on Martha's Vineyard any day during the summer.

 I despise food shopping on this island. Stop and Shop in Edgartown is jam packed with cocksuckers wearing Vineyard Vine's polos and daisy duke shorts aimlessly walking around with their family of 4. These assholes come here with no game plan and have no fuckin idea what they want to buy which causes them to clog the isles like beavers building a dam. Then you also got grandma walking around in her moo moo waddling her fat ass around sporting lime green crocks. You can't get by any of these fucks because the Vineyard was designed for Pilgrims in 1620 and people that were size of Oompa Loompas making the isles 3 feet wide.

 Once you are done shopping you get to stand in the checkout line for 20 minutes while some foreign kid who can't speak english, slowly scans the ten people in front of you with the speed of a turtle carrying a cinder block. When you get to the front of the line the bagging kid asks if you want paper or plastic. Really? First, only the fuckin Vineyard Still asks if you want paper or plastic. They stopped doing that shit on main land back in 1996. Second, who the fuck says they want paper bags? No one. If you say you ask for paper bags then you are a fuckin idiot. Have fun trying to carry those 10 bags one by one into your cottage.

 The only thing that saves me from kicking slow ass grandma in the head and giving Vineyard Vines daddy a DDT onto the tile floor is the guaranteed one vacationing smokeshow I'll come across in the store. She's the only saving grace to the hell that I go through while I grocery shop on the Vineyard.

 

Pray for September.

If It Looks Like I am Pissing In The Ocean It's Because I am Pissing In The Ocean

You figure me being a Cape Cod veteran and all I could do a better acting job when I walk out into the ocean strictly to take a piss. Like it's not too obvious or any thing that I strut into the water about waste high, stand there for 30-45 seconds and act like I am looking for something on the ocean floor while I move the water around me with both hands, pretending like I'm trying to get a better glimpse of whats beneath me. Let's cut the bull shit. We both know I'm really pissing and not searching for sand dollars, so I'm not acting anymore.

 

 Cat's out of the bag my friends. From now on I'm just pissing with both hands at my sides staring out into Nantucket Sound. Deal with it.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: I'd Cut Off My Pinky Finger to Sleep With This Chick

Driving a taxi you never really know who is going to get in your cab. It’s like playing Russian roulette only with people. As a single guy you pray that you get a stream of vacationing hot chicks getting in and out of your cab all day. Unfortunately, this is a pipe dream. Even during the busy season you may average one really hot chick in your cab per week. I know, you think it would be higher. Trust me, I see a shit load of em walking around but they don’t always need a taxi. That is unless they are going to a wedding…

So Saturday I pick up this couple at the Harbor View Hotel in Edgartown. This hot chick comes down the stairs in this tight orange dress with a scarf over her head looking like fuckin Whitney Houston in the Bodyguard. Like I said, it’s a rarity to get a woman this hot in your cab. (Similar to seeing a no hitter or a perfect game in baseball.) What did I do once she got in my cab? I eye fucked the shit out of her from the rearview mirror and talked her ear off.

You know, when you drive a taxi and you have masters degree there aren’t too many perks that come with the job. Every shift there is a moment where I say to myself “fuck me, what would happen if I just ran over like 5 of these tourists like I was playing Grand Theft Auto?” …Being able to eye fuck and chat with a girl as hot as this is an opportunity you need to seize. She makes up for all the drunk douche-bags that I have to babysit on the way back to their cottages on Friday nights.

 

 When I ended my shift the first thing I said to the other cab drivers was “I drove this chick today that was so hot I woulda cut off my pinky finger to sleep with her.” No idea why I said it. But I was dead fuckin serious. She had this French accent, face of an angle and a body that would make you strain your neck if you walked by her. So this brings up a larger question. Is there anyone in the world you would sleep if it meant you had to cut off your pinky finger? Maybe I’m losing my mind on this island because there aren’t to many hot chicks over here yet, but I absolutely woulda cut off my left pinky finger to sleep with this girl.

Hey you try living on in the offseason. Shit aint easy. Hot women are so scarce over here right now you start to hallucinate like a dehydrated hiker in the middle of the desert. If you ever get into a taxi this summer and you get a driver that is missing both his pinky fingers you’ll know it’s me. And if a you’re a hot chick, you can bet your fine ass that I will be eye fucking the shit out of you behind the shades of my sun glasses. I won't be watching the road that's for sure. Buckle up.

Comcast Center In Mansfield to Offer $4 Draft Beers?!

SunChronicle MANSFIELD - The Comcast Center has rolled out a host of new features this season, ranging from concert-friendly apps to discounted beers - all designed to enhance the concert experience for fans. Concertgoers used to breaking the bank for booze should get some reprieve this summer, as the venue has announced it will offer 12-ounce domestic draft beers for $4. For those concerned about concession prices, a value meal that includes a cheeseburger, hot dog or chicken tenders with fries and a soda has returned to the menu for an undisclosed price, along with a 32-ounce souvenir soda with a free refill. In terms of physical upgrades, all of the venue's bathrooms have been newly renovated - though lines will likely be just as long - and the VIP courtyard area has been redesigned to include two new tents and a new lounge area. The courtyard will also feature a revamped menu. The Comcast Center is also capitalizing on technology and social media this season with new apps for Facebook and the iPhone... As previously announced, the venue aims to curb drunken driving with a new Road Crew program that rewards designated drivers with free nonalcoholic drinks.

Comcast Center Great Woods fucking serious about this?! $4 draft beers at all concerts to "enhance the concert experience for fans?" The only thing this is going to enhance is the ability for Massholes to get PC'd in the parking lot. Last time I was at Great Woods draft beers were fuckin $8 dollars. This is a game changer of epic proportions. Sure these $4 draft beers will be watered down to all hell, but that's always been the case. Shits like a 50 percent discount to go to concerts now. I'd like to say hats off to Great Woods but I got a feeling the're doing this sweet deal because attendance and revenue numbers have been dropping. Genius ploy to get those numbers up by offering Massholes half off beer.

Who the fuck is going to use a Comcast Center app? The discounted beer will do. Also, doesn't matter how awesome those upgrades to the bathrooms will be. When things get too congested you can always count on 10 dudes with thier dicks out pissing in a circle staring at each other around the old school circular sink with the footpedal. I still have nighmares about those sinks from when I was little going to games with dad at Foxboro Stadium. Nothin like trying to wash your hands when you have 40 year-old men on both sides of you taking a piss while all 3 of you rock Bledsoe jerseys.

 "As previously announced, the venue aims to curb drunken driving with a new Road Crew program that rewards designated drivers with free nonalcoholic drinks"

 Uh, who wants to be the DD when beers are just $4? Not me.

Rondo's Halftime Interview Last Night Was Oozing With FU Attitude

 What holes are you guys exploiting in this Heat defense?

 "Um, them complaining and crying to the referees in transition."

 I love this shit right here. Rondo basically calling Miami a bunch of bitches. This guy is the leader of the C's once the big three are gone. One thing we won't ever have to worry about is attitude or lack of confidence from the guy running the point.

Would Chicks Bang a Dude Who Sports a Nintendo Backpack?

So I'm at the Black Dog on MV eating lunch and I see this kid in line. This backpack has to get this kids dick drenched right? Nothin gets chicks hornier than talkin Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Excite Bike and how to get through the forest maze on Legend of Zelda. Keep ya pimp hand strong playa. 

Ps. I don't care what anyone says. Dr. Mario fuckin sucked. Shitty rip off of Tetris.