Boston Rated #1 Drunkest City in America For 2011: It's Called Bruins

The Daily Beast
Population over age 21: 4,750,296
Avg. monthly drinks consumed per person: 15.5
Percent of population that are heavy drinkers: 7.4%
Percent of population that are binge drinkers: 20.1%
To compile the second annual list of the “drunkest” cities in the U.S., The Daily Beast first analyzed data from Experian Simmons, a leading market-research firm, which provided data on the average number of alcoholic drinks per month the residents of more than 200 cities across the country reported to have consumed in a survey from earlier this year. As well, we considered the percent of the population that are either binge drinkers or heavy drinkers for each metro area, according to the most recent data available from the Centers for Disease Control. The average number of drinks was given twice the weight of the heavy- and binge-drinking population for the final rank.

Does a bear shit in the woods? You're god dam right Boston is the drunkest city in America. You can't celebrate sports dominance without consuming large amounts of alcohol. I'm pretty sure 95 percent of the city was drunk for 3 months straight after the Bruins won the championship. I know the rest of America probably wants to look down on us as being raging alcoholics. While many of us are, truth be told we are the drunkest city in America because we know how to have a good fuckin time. Celebrating world championships takes heart, dedication and serious amounts of Bud Lights. If there's History to be made, there's a strong chance we will be drinking through it. Plus that Stanley Cup has a big fuckin bowl. Filling that thing certainly didnt help to sober our rankings.

The rest of the country calls it drunk. We call it winning.

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Riots at Mall of America Remind Me How Much I Hate Going to The Fuckin Mall

Foxnews
Officials says a moving melee involving scores of juveniles at the Mall of America took police and security officers over an hour to control as shoppers packed the sprawling shopping center the day after Christmas. Mall spokeswoman Bridget Jewell says about 50 young people were involved in a fight at a food court Monday afternoon and that dozens of them then swarmed through the Minnesota mall as bystanders ran into stores to get out of the way. Fifteen-year-old Makenzie Shofner tells the Star Tribune that some of the mob grabbed items from shoppers and kiosks. Police brought the melee under control after about an hour. Mall officials say they did not lock down the mall, that no weapons were involved and no serious injuries were reported in the disturbance.

Here you are the day after Christmas and all you want to do is return that gay ass sweater grandma got you from American Eagle Not only do you have to deal with hundreds of fuckin pyscho parents and cunty teenage chicks but you also have to dodge steel chairs flying through the air. No thanks, I'd rather stay home and eat left over stuffed shells all day. I dont understand why everyone in the world feels the need to rush right to the stores as soon as they can to return things. You got 30 days to return that shit. Here's an Idea, how bout you wait one fuckin week until all these god dam kids are back in school? That way you dont have to risk being impaled by an bar stool flying through the air. Just a thought.

Mall officials say they did not lock down the mall, that no weapons were involved and no serious injuries were reported in the disturbance

Um no weapons were involved? I'm not a lawyer but I'm pretty sure a steel chair is considered a weapon.

Dude From Rhode Island Selling Candy Cane Car for $1.7 Million

www.rhodeblock.com
NORTH PROVIDENCE — Ever see a crazy man driving around in candy-cane striped car with workout equipment on the roof? Well, that car belongs to Pogo Dave Clayman, and it is officially on sale just in time for the holidays. Pogo Dave is insane, admittedly. If you don’t believe me, take a gander at his Facebook or website. If you need more proof, he put his 1991 piece-of-shit, ugly-as-sin Toyota Camary on ebay for the “Buy it now” price of $1.7 million. The current bid is $35,100, which doesn’t even meet the reserve price. The reserve price is the minimum amount the owner will accept for the item on sale, and Pogo Dave thinks $35,100 is a lowball offer for a car with 193,000 miles on it

Wait thats it? Just 1.7 Million? Thats a fuckin bargin if you ask me. Nothin like rolling around Rhode Island with a candy cane color gym on the roof of your car. You know how much pussy you could get with that? Zero. This guy is a fuckin psycho. There's also a 100 percent chance he's a pedophile. Who the fuck creates a car like this and doesn't have serious problems? Just driving around living life  he's fuckin Mr. Mint. This isnt Candy Land bro. You cant just stroll through life like its a game. No way in hell anyone pays a god dam dime for this car. Unless of course your telling me I get to fuck Queen Frostine. Then its worth every cent of $1.7 million.

Am I The Only Dude In the World That Hasn't Kissed Under a Mistletoe?

Seriously,  I'm almost 30 and I haven't even come close to swapping spit under a mistletoe.  To be honest shit is starting to piss me off.  How can I sit here and act like Casanova when I 'm the only dude in the world that hasn't done this yet?  Doesn't help when I got God dam Kay Jewelers commercials rubbing it in and shit.  Just a constant reminder that I'm the last middle aged guy left who doesn't know what its like to get a chubby while making out under some leaves and berries. Fuck you Kay Jewelers. Sometime within the next 3 weeks these epic mistletoe blue balls are getting released.

"A mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it... 
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it."

How boss of a move would it be it I walked up to a hot chick under a mistletoe and busted out this line? No way she could resist me.

PS.You talk about getting a chubby. Michelle Pfeiffer as catwoman?  Have Mercy.

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Things You Never Picked Up on When You Were 8... Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

So this fucked up fairy tale starts off the bat with some odd shit. First they introduce the narrator who happens to be the only Chinese snowman I have ever seen. Also the only snowman that rocks a fu manchu similar to Colonel Sanders and Lakers coach Phil Jackson. WTF is up with that? What happened to the pipe, carrot nose and coal?

Anyway they cut right to the action. Rudolph is born with this glowing red nose. So Santa and Rudolph’s dad verbally crap all over him 5 seconds after his born. What a couple of ass holes. Then Santa goes into this fuckin “ I am old Kris Kringle” song and bounces. Song sucked, Santa’s fat and bald and he has no rhythm. Fuck him.

Rudolph’s dad doesn’t defend his son and rubs some friggin mud on his nose so he can go to reindeer camp and be inspected by that fat fuck Santa and the rest of the reindeers hoping that no one will see his glowing nose.

Scene then cuts to Hermie and the elfs. Hermie is the fruitiest character ever created. They give him this Zach Morris Hair cut and a voice similar to the biker guy who plays MR. Garrisons boyfriend on South Park. “Jesus Christ”

So later at reindeer camp , Rudolph meets up with some other reindeers. One of them is named fireball. Of course he is the only reindeer that has orange hair on his head and freckles on his face. Way to be subtle on this one. Name him Fireball? Might was well just call him Firecrotch. Shits disrespectful to all red heads.

Rudolph later meets Hermie the elf. Bang! Out of nowhere this diddler pops out of a snow bank that Rudolph has sat down on. What is this mutha fucka doin randomly chilling in a snow bank? Anyway, these two geniuses decide to leave camp and go out on their own.

During their travels they come across this child molester named Yukon Cornelius. This guy is tripping sack. He shows up on a dog sled claiming he’s a prospector. Every 5 minutes this spaz takes his mining pic, throws it in the air and then licks it. Let me repeat that, this fucker tosses his pic in the air and then licks it. I’m not a fuckin gold prospector but in my 29 years of life I have never understood what the fuck licking the pic means. Let alone try to understand that shit when I’m 8 years old.

So all 3 of these fucks stubble upon the island of Misfit toys. They end up spending the night in a shack the size of an out-house. Way to teach kids to sleep with a hairy “prospector” you just met with the worlds sketchiest mustache. Eventually Rudolph comes to his senses and leaves the shack in the middle of the night so the elf and prospector can spoon alone.

The movie fast forwards sometime and Rudolph comes home. He checks on his parents and they are not there. Santa says that “they left to find you.” Then he says “I really need your father if I am going to fly my sleigh.” Way to be real considerate you fat fuck. Staying with the theme throughout the movie, Santa continues to be the huge Asshole.

Rudolph eventually finds his family trapped by the abominable snowman. This Abominable snowman looks like Osama Bin Laden’s beard with a face on it. So, The Fruity Elf and Diddling prospector show up and help Rudolph save his family.

The movie ends with everyone together back at Santa’s castle, all happy and singing. Santa tells Rudolph he needs him now because of his nose. What a selfish douche-bag. Of course this fuck would only want Rudolph now because he can help him see through the fog with his glowing nose.

In the final scene, Santa and all the Reindeer are lined up with Rudolph leading the pack. Santa yells out, “ready Rudolph?” and Rudolph yells back, “ready Santa!” You know what? Fuck that ending! Santa was a cocksucker the whole movie. The ending should have went like this

Santa: "Ready Rudolph?"

Rudolph: "You know watch Santa? Fuck you! Your Fat ass and the rest of these arrogant fucks can deliver this shit buy yourself. I'm get out this bitch. Peace.”


This blog is dedicated to my sister. This movie subconsciously fucked us up a little when we were kids.



Santa. Fuckin asshole

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Is Pauly D Fuckin Serious With This "Beat That Boardwalk" App?

Is this smartphone  application a joke? People actually have to pay for this shit? Just skipping around la de da  on a boardwalk as Pauly D? What the fuck is the point of this game? Where the hell is Karma and Beach Combers kid? I want to strut into a club and pull some guidette ass! You know how challenging it would be to get past all the hater guidos and the cock craving grenades? Not to mention bringing your dime piece back to the house and into the jacuzzi. You got to deal with Snooks cock blocking your ass and the Situation trying steal your girl. Just thinking about getting that far in the game makes my fingers hurt.

This fuckin app is weak sauce Pauly D. I thought you were better than that.

Im not gonna lie. I almost lost my shit when I found out you could go into "Juice Head" mode. Sounds more lethal then when you used to get the star in Mario Brothers.

Have Mercy

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Here's What Happened Last Night During My Bromance With John Stamos AKA Uncle Jesse

So at about 1 o’clock yesterday afternoon. I saw John Stamos post something on his Twitter account that he was going to be performing with the Beach Boys down the street from me in New Brunswick. So I said to myself how many times do you get a chance to see Uncle Jesse right down the street from where you live? I figured I would tweet him and see if he could hook me up with some free tickets. To my surprise Stamos responded back almost instantly.

He then proceeded to direct message me, asking for my name and how many tickets that I wanted. I gave him the info and he told me everything would be waiting for me at tickets will call pick up window. Coincidently I was setting up a date that night at the same time he was messaging me. (Yes it was match.com date cause that’s how I roll.) There is no more boss move in life than to tell a chick you are going to take her backstage to meet Uncle fuckin Jesse on a first date. I don’t even think she believed me when I told her.

So we fast forward in this story all the way to around 8 o’clock where my date and I are about to walk into the State Theater in New Brunswick. We realized that that average age of this crowd walking in was around 60 years old. I’m not fucking kidding. It only got worse when some old geezer out front looked at us and said, “Aren’t you guys a little young to be here?” Shut the fuck up pops, I’m here for Stamos. I could give a flying fuck about Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys.

We walk over to will call and sure enough, my man Stamos comes through with 4 tickets and 4 Vip passes. The nice thing to do would have been to give our extra tickets to a big fan out front. However, Im an asshole and I decided to keep them so my date and I could have an empty seat on each side of use like we own the place. Once concert started we realized the average age of this crowd looked closer to 75 than 60. Pretty sure the old guy in front of me fell asleep 3 times and he looked like his hip was going to snap as he tried to jam out to Kokomo.

When the concert was over we decided to give our extra back stage passes to this couple that looked like they loved the Beach Boys. When I went to give them the passes they lost their shit. This guy and his wife started telling me this was the 82nd time they have seen the Beach Boys live and that I just made their fuckin day. These 2 fans seemed like psychos and I started to worry that this was a bad idea. Together we all walk around back of the building where we could use our passes. As we get in there is this long all way next to the green room. All the bouncers pointed us into the green room. Not one second after we get in this nut job guy and wife we gave the passes start to verbally blow lead singer Brian Wilson. This guy literally told Brian Wilson his vocals sounded great tonight. Really? I leaned into my date and said, “um, we fucked up. We just gave those passes to absolute stalkers.”

Stamos was not in the green room yet so my date pops her head out the door and looks in the hall way. She sees him talking to some fans. We decided to get the fuck out of the green room and say hi to him. As we are standing in the hallway waiting for his conversation to finish he sees me and points to me as if he knows me. Eventually he walks over and says, “hey, you’re the guy from twitter right?” I said ya, we introduced ourselves and shook hands. Then out of nowhere the nut job husband and wife tandem comes over to Stamos and just kills our conversation.

Right away the wife starts blabbing away about how some guy just gave them backstage passes. She such a fuckin deranged clam that she doesn’t even realize I’m standing 2 ft from her. Then she tells Stamos we gave them to her. Instantly I reply, “I was being nice trying to give a big fan our extra passes... Just trying to be a nice guy.” I emphasized “nice guy” because I knew these people were insane and so did Stamos. I didn’t want him to hate me cause I took the extra passes he gave me and handed them to these fucks. Not even 5 seconds into the conversation this cunt asks Stamos “what is it like looking as hot as you do? The women must love you!” Stamos turns over his right shoulder looks at me and in a joking nature and goes, “this is your fault.” I laugh and he tries to small talk them for a bit. The both of them continue to ask him questions you would expect a 10 year old girl to ask. Stamos again looks over his right shoulder at me and my date and goes, “again, this is your fault” as he shakes his head. Eventually, these 2 people shut up and leave. I apologized to Stamos and he laughed and said don’t worry about it. We then proceeded to have a 10 minute conversation.

You're going to have a hard time believing the following facts I’m about to tell you. I promise you they are true. And yes, I am as boss as I sound in this story...

We start off talking to John about the show and what we thought of it. We also had some small talk about Twitter and just our situation in general and how cool it was the way we all met. Then he starts to ask about us. I look at my date and then Stamos and tell him that this is actually our first date. He looks interested and says, “No shit.” Then I blow his mind and tell them it’s also a match.com date and that she and I had never actually met until tonight. Stamos looks at me then my date and is bewildered. He goes “Wait, so you two met online and this show tonight is your first date? Wild.” I go “ya man, im big time like that.” We all laugh and then Stamos goes. But you two are real good looking people, why do you need to use online dating.” I look at him and go “John, picture yourself at home on Sunday. You got the NFL package, you’re watching 8 games at once all from your lay-z boy chair. Then you bust out the laptop and pick up chicks all with the click of a mouse.” With hand rubbing his chin, he looks at me raises his eyebrows and nods his head and says, “I see what you’re saying.” My date looks at me like I’m a fuckin dickhead. Then she goes,” creep on chicks while watching football huh?” I shrug my shoulders and look at her and Stamos and go “It's multitasking at its best.”

We make some more small talk about what im studying in school and why I followed him on twitter because I wrote a blog a week ago about how I thought he would be the best Edward Cullen if Twilight was cast in the 80’s. We laughed about it and then talked about a few other random things, then we decide to take some pictures. My date hands her phone to a security guy and asks him to take a picture of all 3 of us. Stamos then suggest that we take a picture with my phone too for my blog of just him and I. Which I thought was really cool of him. (Guy never seemed to be in a rush to get rid of us.) As we are just about to put our arms around each other for a picture he stops and leans back a little and looks right at me. Then he turns to my date and says, “Do we look a like?” As he says this he points to himself and then me. He’s like, “no, seriously. I think we look a lot alike. You’re a good lookin guy.” My date looks at me in what must have been the greatest dating moment of her life and goes. “Ya, he’s like a John Stamos Jr.” I blush like a school girl and look at Stamos and reply, “Thanks man, we’re like twins.” We then smile and take the picture as my ego explodes.

I thank him for the picture and go to shake his hand. He ignores me, steps to his left and in dead serious fashion pulls out his iphone, leans in inches away from my date and goes, “Before you go, let me get your number.” He holds his facial expression serious for a second and then laughs, places his hand on my shoulder and goes, “I’m just fuckin with ya.” We all laugh as I touch him on the shoulder back and say “Stamos, you son of a bitch! You had me there for a sec.” (pretty sure my date came in her pants when he did this.) We both shook his hand and thank him for everything. Just when we were about to walk away he stops and goes, “what are you guys doing after?” I told him we were just grabbing drinks somewhere. He tells me that there is an after party but he’s not sure where. He tells us to hang on a sec. He then goes in down the hall around the corner to find out where this place is from someone else. 1 min later he tells us he is going to a bar called Glo down the street and we are welcomed to join him. We were both very gracious of the offer and thanked him a ton and told him we’d probably see him later.

As we walked out onto the street I turned to my date with the biggest grin in the world and said, “did that really just happen? Fuckin Uncle Jessie basically said he and I were twins, that I was a handsome SOB and then he invited us to and after party.” We were both beside ourselves. My ego was so big that my feet didn’t touch the ground for the rest of the night. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m already full of myself to begin with. Mix in John Stamos telling you that you look like an Italian god and now we're talking full blown egotistical maniac for life. For the remainder of the night I just kept looking my date dead in the eye finishing every sentence off with "Have Mercy."

My date and I went to a bar for an hour and then tried to go to club Glo that Stamos told us to show up to. As we got our ID’s checked we confirmed that he was indeed in there. However, just as we were about to pay a cover at the desk we had a change of heart. We both noticed how dark and loud it was in the club. I then pointed out it was only 45 min till last call. There was no doubt that Stamos was creeping on women somewhere in this club. The last thing we wanted to do was cock block Uncle Jesse as he’s trying to get is dick wet. Dude was too good to us to step on his game. Just wasn’t the environment for he and I to continue our bromance. So we decided to call it a night and go home.

Perhaps one day Stamos and I will meet again, forming the most lethal tandem in the history of bromances. Stamos and Stamos Jr. men want to be us and women want to be with us.

Have Mercy

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