Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Cab Ride From Hell, I Tell One of My Female Passengers That I was Going to Punch Her In The Fuckin Face Last Night

When you drive a 12 passenger taxi on an August night on Martha’s Vineyard you expect fucked up shit to happen, it just goes with the territory. Sometimes in entertaining, usually it’s annoying and at times like last night it can be flat out infuriating.


1:05 AM Circuit Ave, Oak Bluffs, MA

4 guys come up to my taxi and start to get in. One of them tells me his 6 buddies are right behing him and they are just need to be dropped of 5 min down the street. Of course all 4 dudes are shit housed and smell like booze and BO. As we are waiting for the other 6 guys to jump into the taxi and rush of at least 9 girls storm into my cab. As they all pile in I try explaining to them that the party of guys that’s already in here is going to be up to 10 people and there isn’t really enough room. These chicks could give 2 fucks what I was saying. They appeared to be 18-21 years old and dress like they just came from some rave party. I take a quick glance in front of me to see that the taxi in front of me is pulling away. As I’m looking in that direction the girl seated directly behind me slaps me in the side of the face and says, “Go! Follow that cab in front of you, we want to go where they’re going!”

 People are pouring into my cab, its loud as fuck and this little bitch just slapped me upside my head for no reason at all. Well, I snapped.

I turned right around, looked her square in the eye a foot from her face and said, “If you hit me like that again I am going to punch you right in your fuckin face you little bitch.” I pointed my index finger right at her and burned a hole through her with my eyes as I said “fuckin face.” She sat back and assumed her god dam role as being a passenger in my fuckin taxi.

As this exchange was going on, my original party of 10 guys finished getting in my taxi. I have no idea how many people were in my taxi but it was at least 20 people. We took off down the road as a girl was sitting on a guys lap in my front passenger seat. They just met 10 seconds ago…

I go to bring the girls to the party that they wanted to attend at the “Irish house” in Oak Bluffs. It’s exactly as it sounds, a summer house full of Irish Bros for the summer. These fucks get shitfaced every night and are always inventing too many people back to their house. But, I mean isn’t that what you would expect from a place called the Irish house?

Because of the Patriots game last night, I wore a Tedy Bruschi jersey over my white polo shirt with a popped collar. So everyone in the cab kept calling me Tedy, Ted or Bruschi every time they attempted to get my attention. Shit got real annoying fast.

We are about 2 minutes into the ride and I smell someone smoking from the back seat. Now there are no windows that open in back and second of all where is this guy putting his ashes? I turn the music off and put the interior lights on, then tell everyone to shut up for a seconds. I yell you, “whoever is smoking in the back seat please put it out.” I continue to drive and still smell the smoke.

A few minutes later we are at the Irish house. I get out of my cab and walk around to the front as the girls start to get out. As I’m standing in front of my taxi trying to collect money I see that same kid smoking in the back seat. Listen. No one fucks with my #1 van at A-BIG Cab Co. It’s one of the nicest if not the nicest and newest Taxis on the island. My relationship with this van is actually getting scary. My van and I have a stronger bromance than Hasselhof and K.I.T.T. More powerful than the Duke Boys and General Lee. Tighter than MR. T and the A-team van.  You can fuck with me, but if you fuck with my van I will fuckin lose my shit. And that I did.

He looks at me and throws his cigarette out the open side door. Some of the Irish guys come out of the house and in their Irish accents tell all the girls that were in my cab that they were not welcome at their house anymore. They already had too many people. This causes mass chaos for the next 10 minutes. The guys in my taxi for no reason at all start verbally yelling at the Irish guys for not letting the girls in. They go back and forth telling each other off. One of the girls comes over to me and says they now all need to get back in the taxi and go to Edgartown. Fine with me, I’m just going to rape their wallets for having to deal with this shit.

I yell out and tell all the girls to get back in the cab but let them know now they are going to be dropped off last after my original party of guys gets dropped off. One of the guys in that orignial party is so shitfaced he misunderstands what I am saying and starts to verbally attack me. He happened to be about 6’5.

“What! Your not going to take the girls home! Are you fuckin serious bro? Whats wrong with you?”

“Big Man" I reply, "How bout you shut your fuckin mouth. You have no idea what the fuck is going on right now. I’m driving everyone out of here that originally came. You get your big drunk fuckin ass back in my taxi. I’ll worry about where everyone is going, you worry about your fuckin self and not puking in my back seat you big goofy fuck.” He stares back at me and says nothing. #OWNED

Everyone piles back in. As we pull away the Irish guys are yelling obscenities at us with lines such as "go fuck yourself mate.”

I eventually drop the 10 guys off at their house. They pathetically beg and plead for the girls to come in and join them. I watch this take place enjoying a quiet moment with myself pondering the other jobs I could possibly do that would make me feel any less degrading than babysitting drunk fucks in Oak Bluffs…

The guys tip me $30 like the should. 4 of them gave me man hugs & high fives. As I drove away they chanted Bruschi! Bruschi! Bruschi! I tooted the horn and proceeded to Edgartown.

The girl who punched me in the head apologized. I then apologized back for telling her I was going to “punch her in her fuckin face.” I told her I never was really going to do it. (eh, that's debatable) We said our good byes and at 2:05 AM my taxi ride from hell was over.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: 100 Percent Chance This Chick Goes Down on Me and This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

Last night in my cab was a fuckin shit show. Like I can’t even make this shit up. It’s nights like this where I think to myself what in the everliving fuck am I doing with my life? When I say I babysit drunk people for a living I’m not kidding.

Story time kids. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go…

10:15PM

Nothing Fight: “100 percent chance This Chick Goes Down on Me”

This couple gets into my cab seemingly in a good mood, that is until the guy tries to act like a cocky fuck. I’m only about 30 seconds into the ride as I chat with the couple the guy chimes in and most certainly must have been the worst self cockblock I have ever seen. As he sits there with his backwards hat, white button down shirt and pink shorts he looks at me in the rearview mirror and goes “we had a great night… There’s a 100 percent chance this chick is going down on me tonight.”

The girl he’s with smacks him in the arm and replies, “what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m not going anywhere near you when we get home. Who the fuck talks like that?”

Dude might as well just cut his dick off now. Chicks hate nothing more than to hear one man announce to another man that he is going to get a BJ from her while she is in their presence. From that point on this chick was verbally lambasting this guy. I just kept my mouth shut and watch the fireworks explode. Once I got to their house the chick got right out and walked toward the front door. The guy stayed behind, paid the tab and just before he shut the taxi door he looks me dead in the eyes, smiles and goes “dude, there’s still a 100 percent chance I’m getting my dick wet when I go inside.”

Fight the good fight my friend.

11:30PM

This Vince Neil Lookin Mutherfucker is Going to Kill Me

These 2 guys come up to my cab and ask for a ride over to West Tisbury. One of the guys is a dead ringer for fuckin Vince Neil. I must of stared at him for like 5 seconds strait before I opened my mouth to reply to him cause I thought I was in the presence of Motley Crue. Anyway, this Vince Neil lookin dude and his buddy where shithoused. They barely could get into the cab.

As we pull away I almost hit a skunk in the road which prompts Vince Neil to start telling a 20 minute story about how a skunk got into is house and he “Fuckin blew it’s head clear of it’s fuckin body.” This guy was getting so intense telling this story that it was starting to freak me the fuck out. It also didn’t help that the whole time he was talking I had “Dr. Feel Good” playing in my head.

 I drive these guys down this long as dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Vince and his buddy finally finish his skunk killing story which included quotes such as: “Bro, it sprayed three times in my house, but the 4th time it was about to spray I blew its fuckin head off with my gun.” Also this heartwarming gem, “His fuckin head was separated from his body. Shit was awesome man, I fucked that skunk up!”

 Once the story was done and we were a mile deep down this remote dirt road the guys start talking even stanger. I go, “hey, you guys are out in the middle of fuckin nowhere huh?” Other guy goes, “ya, we can get away with anything we want out here. We could murder people out here and get away with it.”

I give the most awkward, forced laugh in my life and then shit my pants. I was convinced that Vince Neil and his buddy were going to kill me deep in the woods of West Tisbury. Was this how my life was going to end? Not really how I want to go out...

Thank god 2 minutes later we were at their house. Vince Neil stumbles on his way out of the cab and smacks his head on the side of the sliding passenger door and falls to one knee on the ground. His creepy buddy pays me and tries to talk my ear off for another minute. I drove away so fast after he shut the door that I ended up getting lost down a wrong dirt road for about a half hour. I was driving down roads that look like scenes from muthafuckin Blair Witch Project. Somehow I survived and escaped being murdered in my taxi. I can't wait to see what fuckin characters Friday night brings. (Shoot me)

Are These The Douchiest Pair of Sandals You Have Ever Seen In Your Life? I Hope So

When you've spent a number of Summers on the Vineyard you can't help but want to dress up when you go into Edgartown. In fact, if you don't dress up, you feel like everyone is looking at you with this "who let this dirt-bag into town" look on their faces. Well not me , not anymore.
I'm sure some of you that have never been to Edgartown are thinking I'm over exaggerating this so called "town dress code." Let me present to you exhibit A.

This is a real picture from Edgartown 4th of July parade last year. Pastel colors much? Looks like Easter Sunday meets the local yacht club. Not sure what that little bitch kneeling on the ground is doing but even her 5 year-old ass is decked out in some fashionable Edgartown white pants. Well, on August 12th I join the crew...

On that night I am going out in Edgartown with my family and I am wearing the douchiest outfit I can possibly put together. If you think those sandals are fuckin jive, wait to you see my white pants and whatever pastel shirt I decide to wear. I want to look so douchey that people in Edgartown look at me and go "wow, that guy over did it a little bit huh?" If I don't look like a combination of Carlton Banks + Zack Morris + some dude that owns a 10 million dollar yacht in Edgartown harbor than I have failed at my ultimate goal.

Get ready Edgartown. Not sure if you've seen people who are fucked up enough to reach the level of douchiness that my family and I are about to reach.

VIDEO: Baby Falls Asleep While Singing/Listening To Metallica

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This is why I don't have a kid. I'd be putting it to sleep every night trying to play Living On a Prayer from my shitty 6 string acoustic. My baby would have the entire Slippery When Wet album memorized by the time it was 3.

Why is this dad so creepy at the end? Stop lookin at me like that bro, you're buggin me the fuck out.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: Honey, Don't Touch My Radio or I Will Eye Fuck The Shit Out Of You

It happens every muthafuckin Friday night without fail. Some shitfaced tourist gets into the front passenger seat of my cab and insists on touching my radio. You know, that’s not even the right description. These cunts physically assault my radio.

Exibit A: Friday night at 1:30 AM

So I’m in the center of Oak Bluffs or as the tourists like to call it “Oaks Bluffs” and I get flagged down for a fair of about 10 people. I pull over into a parking spot and let these dozen or so shitfaced gremlins hop in my cab. Before I can pull away one of the chicks in back yells out, “don’t leave yet! We got to wait for Suzie!”

Suzie is about 20 yards away, holding hands with some cocksmoch with this “I’m getting some pussy tonight” shit eating grin on his face. I have no idea why but I wanted to get out of my cab and superkick this guy right in the dick. Anyway, Suzie and her man come walking over to the cab and then kinda stare at each other while all her friends in the cab yell out shit such as “Make out with him! Hurry the fuck up! And my favorite, “lets fuckin go, it’s not like you are going to do anything anyway.”

This goes on for about 5 min. At this point I am ready to go, these fucks are wasting my time and time is money. I chime in and yell out the open side door. “Lets go bro, time to bust a move!” Dude looks at me with this “hang on one sec buddy" look and holds up a finger at me. Now for a split second I really almost got out of the cab and smashed my walkie talkie off the side of his fuckin head. (it’s 4th of July week on the Vineyard, you don’t know anger and frustration with people until you’ve walked in my taxi driving shoes.)

Fuckin Casanova, finally busts a move on Suzie. Everyone in the cab chants and hollers at them. After Suzie is done making out she hops in the front passenger. Yay. Lucky me.

I drive like 10 seconds down the road and shitfaced Suzie leans over to me and goes “I don’t even like that guy, I just made out with him cause he was nice.” Really there sweet tits? That’s fuckin it? You’re telling me all I have to do is be nice to chicks, even if I look like a douche-bag and I can make out with them in the center of Oaks Bluffs while everyone chants my name? It’s that easy huh?

I look at her and go “really? Dude kinda seemed like a tool box.” Drunk Suzie leans back over too me, 5 inches from my face as I’m driving and goes “And I have a boyfriend. But this guy was just too nice to resist.”

First off Suzie, why don’t you scooch the fuck back in your seat a little so I don’t have smell what mister nice guy had for dinner. Then, as like most cunts in my front seat do, Suzie says “Let me be the DJ! I want to find some beats to jam out to on the radio!”

Fuck me. Not only do I have to have this bitch talk 5 inches from my face the whole ride home but I have to also make sure she doesn’t blow out my speakers as we drive up island jamming out to Call Me Maybe.

  

So the whole ride up to West Tisbury Suzie is talking my fuckin ear off. Each time getting closer and closer. At one point I literally thought that Suzie was going to try and make-out with me while I was driving. It’s ok though, because Mrs. Shotgun DJ was wearing a low-cut shirt and I was getting a free peep show. I kept acting like a gave a fuck about what she was saying but in all honesty I just wanted her to keep leaning into me so I could get a better view.

 I continued to eye fuck Suzie for 20 minutes until I dropped her and all her drunk friends off. I over charged them, took all of their money and sweet talked Suzie gaining a few more cheep glances as we said our goodbyes and I gave her a high-five.

I mean, may have a master’s degree and I'm a good guy and all, but I’ve been a cabbie for way to long now. What was that saying in the Dark Knight? “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

It's Called Bruins: Adam Oates Gets Elected to The Hall of Fame

I grew up in the era of Bruins hockey when Cusick was calling  games, Neely was scroing goals and Adam Oates was creating offense like Rondo on skates. There hasn't been a center to put on a Bruins sweater that could create offense like Adam Oates (Savard was close). Not only could he pass, but he could score on his own shot and was dominant at the faceoff circle. Plus he was a fuckin boss in NHL 94 for Sega. Just blowing by guys... right, left, right, shoot, score.

   

 What a pimp Oates was in this commercial. The NHL does a brutal job of marketing their star athletes but the guy who created this gem should be sitting on a pile of money somewhere in Kokomo. This is what the NHL needs more of.

"You're off-sides." "Wouldn't be the first time."

P.I.M.P

Grocery Shopping On Martha's Vineyard During The Summer My Be The Worst Chore To Preform Known To Man Kind

 

You ever been last minute food shopping on Thanksgiving eve or mall shopping on Black Friday? It's a good time right? People running around the store like fuckin psychos trying to get last minute preparations done for the big holiday or on Black Friday the people that will kill their own kids just to get 20 percent of a Coach purse. It's a god dam nightmare of tremendous proportions. Well, imagine that scenario but it follows you around everyday of your life for 3 months any time you shop. That my friends is what it's like to grab something from a grocery store on Martha's Vineyard any day during the summer.

 I despise food shopping on this island. Stop and Shop in Edgartown is jam packed with cocksuckers wearing Vineyard Vine's polos and daisy duke shorts aimlessly walking around with their family of 4. These assholes come here with no game plan and have no fuckin idea what they want to buy which causes them to clog the isles like beavers building a dam. Then you also got grandma walking around in her moo moo waddling her fat ass around sporting lime green crocks. You can't get by any of these fucks because the Vineyard was designed for Pilgrims in 1620 and people that were size of Oompa Loompas making the isles 3 feet wide.

 Once you are done shopping you get to stand in the checkout line for 20 minutes while some foreign kid who can't speak english, slowly scans the ten people in front of you with the speed of a turtle carrying a cinder block. When you get to the front of the line the bagging kid asks if you want paper or plastic. Really? First, only the fuckin Vineyard Still asks if you want paper or plastic. They stopped doing that shit on main land back in 1996. Second, who the fuck says they want paper bags? No one. If you say you ask for paper bags then you are a fuckin idiot. Have fun trying to carry those 10 bags one by one into your cottage.

 The only thing that saves me from kicking slow ass grandma in the head and giving Vineyard Vines daddy a DDT onto the tile floor is the guaranteed one vacationing smokeshow I'll come across in the store. She's the only saving grace to the hell that I go through while I grocery shop on the Vineyard.

 

Pray for September.

If It Looks Like I am Pissing In The Ocean It's Because I am Pissing In The Ocean

You figure me being a Cape Cod veteran and all I could do a better acting job when I walk out into the ocean strictly to take a piss. Like it's not too obvious or any thing that I strut into the water about waste high, stand there for 30-45 seconds and act like I am looking for something on the ocean floor while I move the water around me with both hands, pretending like I'm trying to get a better glimpse of whats beneath me. Let's cut the bull shit. We both know I'm really pissing and not searching for sand dollars, so I'm not acting anymore.

 

 Cat's out of the bag my friends. From now on I'm just pissing with both hands at my sides staring out into Nantucket Sound. Deal with it.

Chief's Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha's Vineyard: I'd Cut Off My Pinky Finger to Sleep With This Chick

Driving a taxi you never really know who is going to get in your cab. It’s like playing Russian roulette only with people. As a single guy you pray that you get a stream of vacationing hot chicks getting in and out of your cab all day. Unfortunately, this is a pipe dream. Even during the busy season you may average one really hot chick in your cab per week. I know, you think it would be higher. Trust me, I see a shit load of em walking around but they don’t always need a taxi. That is unless they are going to a wedding…

So Saturday I pick up this couple at the Harbor View Hotel in Edgartown. This hot chick comes down the stairs in this tight orange dress with a scarf over her head looking like fuckin Whitney Houston in the Bodyguard. Like I said, it’s a rarity to get a woman this hot in your cab. (Similar to seeing a no hitter or a perfect game in baseball.) What did I do once she got in my cab? I eye fucked the shit out of her from the rearview mirror and talked her ear off.

You know, when you drive a taxi and you have masters degree there aren’t too many perks that come with the job. Every shift there is a moment where I say to myself “fuck me, what would happen if I just ran over like 5 of these tourists like I was playing Grand Theft Auto?” …Being able to eye fuck and chat with a girl as hot as this is an opportunity you need to seize. She makes up for all the drunk douche-bags that I have to babysit on the way back to their cottages on Friday nights.

 

 When I ended my shift the first thing I said to the other cab drivers was “I drove this chick today that was so hot I woulda cut off my pinky finger to sleep with her.” No idea why I said it. But I was dead fuckin serious. She had this French accent, face of an angle and a body that would make you strain your neck if you walked by her. So this brings up a larger question. Is there anyone in the world you would sleep if it meant you had to cut off your pinky finger? Maybe I’m losing my mind on this island because there aren’t to many hot chicks over here yet, but I absolutely woulda cut off my left pinky finger to sleep with this girl.

Hey you try living on in the offseason. Shit aint easy. Hot women are so scarce over here right now you start to hallucinate like a dehydrated hiker in the middle of the desert. If you ever get into a taxi this summer and you get a driver that is missing both his pinky fingers you’ll know it’s me. And if a you’re a hot chick, you can bet your fine ass that I will be eye fucking the shit out of you behind the shades of my sun glasses. I won't be watching the road that's for sure. Buckle up.

Comcast Center In Mansfield to Offer $4 Draft Beers?!

SunChronicle MANSFIELD - The Comcast Center has rolled out a host of new features this season, ranging from concert-friendly apps to discounted beers - all designed to enhance the concert experience for fans. Concertgoers used to breaking the bank for booze should get some reprieve this summer, as the venue has announced it will offer 12-ounce domestic draft beers for $4. For those concerned about concession prices, a value meal that includes a cheeseburger, hot dog or chicken tenders with fries and a soda has returned to the menu for an undisclosed price, along with a 32-ounce souvenir soda with a free refill. In terms of physical upgrades, all of the venue's bathrooms have been newly renovated - though lines will likely be just as long - and the VIP courtyard area has been redesigned to include two new tents and a new lounge area. The courtyard will also feature a revamped menu. The Comcast Center is also capitalizing on technology and social media this season with new apps for Facebook and the iPhone... As previously announced, the venue aims to curb drunken driving with a new Road Crew program that rewards designated drivers with free nonalcoholic drinks.

Comcast Center Great Woods fucking serious about this?! $4 draft beers at all concerts to "enhance the concert experience for fans?" The only thing this is going to enhance is the ability for Massholes to get PC'd in the parking lot. Last time I was at Great Woods draft beers were fuckin $8 dollars. This is a game changer of epic proportions. Sure these $4 draft beers will be watered down to all hell, but that's always been the case. Shits like a 50 percent discount to go to concerts now. I'd like to say hats off to Great Woods but I got a feeling the're doing this sweet deal because attendance and revenue numbers have been dropping. Genius ploy to get those numbers up by offering Massholes half off beer.

Who the fuck is going to use a Comcast Center app? The discounted beer will do. Also, doesn't matter how awesome those upgrades to the bathrooms will be. When things get too congested you can always count on 10 dudes with thier dicks out pissing in a circle staring at each other around the old school circular sink with the footpedal. I still have nighmares about those sinks from when I was little going to games with dad at Foxboro Stadium. Nothin like trying to wash your hands when you have 40 year-old men on both sides of you taking a piss while all 3 of you rock Bledsoe jerseys.

 "As previously announced, the venue aims to curb drunken driving with a new Road Crew program that rewards designated drivers with free nonalcoholic drinks"

 Uh, who wants to be the DD when beers are just $4? Not me.

Rondo's Halftime Interview Last Night Was Oozing With FU Attitude

 What holes are you guys exploiting in this Heat defense?

 "Um, them complaining and crying to the referees in transition."

 I love this shit right here. Rondo basically calling Miami a bunch of bitches. This guy is the leader of the C's once the big three are gone. One thing we won't ever have to worry about is attitude or lack of confidence from the guy running the point.

Would Chicks Bang a Dude Who Sports a Nintendo Backpack?

So I'm at the Black Dog on MV eating lunch and I see this kid in line. This backpack has to get this kids dick drenched right? Nothin gets chicks hornier than talkin Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Excite Bike and how to get through the forest maze on Legend of Zelda. Keep ya pimp hand strong playa. 

Ps. I don't care what anyone says. Dr. Mario fuckin sucked. Shitty rip off of Tetris.

Chief’s Taxi Cab Confessions From Martha’s Vineyard: Nothing Fights, $50 Dollar Tip For Driving Two Drunk Chicks Home and I’m Pretty Sure That Dude’s Getting a Hummer in My Back Seat

Friday Night 10:15pm 

So this couple gets in my Cab and I can tell right away from the body language of the dude that they are in a nothing fight. I know the look. He has that thousand mile stare with this “someone please shoot me” expression on his face. As they sit down in the seat behind me I hear the girl say “Why are you so mad at me?” He goes, really? “Don’t talk to me, Just leave me alone.” So what does this chick do? She keeps asking him what’s wrong. I wanted to chime in and let her know that she needs to shut the fuck up before he blows a gasket. All men know what I’m talking about. Guys can’t win in this situation. If we talk to you, you’ll just bring up shit that happened like 10 years ago that has nothing to do with what we are mad about at the time. So we tell you we don’t want to talk about it with idea we can avoid a nothing fight turning into world war 3. But, if we don’t talk to you you’ll cry or be up our ass until we say something. As I dropped this couple off I could hear her continuously trying to poke the bear and get him to say something. Unreal. Women, let the nothing fights go and talk about whatever pointless shit that happened the next day when you both are sober and have calmed down. Fuckin A.

Sunday Night 11:30 PM


I get a call for a pick up out in Edgartown for a pick up. When I pull up to the driveway a lady walks over to my cab and tells me her two friends are shitfaced and need a ride home. Hey, just your average weekend night pick up on the rock, right? Eh, little curveball mixed in though. This lady hands me a $50 and says “Make sure these two get home safe. You got a couple of cougars that are drunk and crying.” Fuck me. Nothing I love more than babysitting two chicks in their mid 40’s that are drunk crying on their ride back to the other side of the island. So I chat with this lady for a few min. As her friends come escorted out she looks at me and says, “Ya, here’s another $20. You’re going to earn this money tonight.” The fair price was only $20. Essentially I was getting a $50 tip to babysit 2 drunk women.

As these two chicks get to the cab I realized they are fahkin hammered. One of them took 5 minutes to get in the side door. She needed help getting in and fell down 3 times while doing so. The other lady wasn’t as tanked and she sat in the front passenger seat. We said by to the people at the party and took off. As we drove away, drunk chick in the back goes “I’m not done fuckin partying, where we going?” I replied back “I’m talking you home, parties over.” This rhetoric happened repeatedly the whole way back to their house.

Once we got there I came around the side of the taxi to help carry drunk chick in the back out. As I do this she keeps starting at me. I get her upright and pass her over to her friend. When I go to walk away she grabs my arm and goes “oh, you’re cute. Come on inside and party with us.” She wouldn’t let go of my arm as I tried walking away so I kinda did a little spin move to break the hold. I laughed and said, “Sorry, I got to go. It’s only midnight, I got plenty more of drunk people on MV that need to be saved.”

Early Saturday Morning 1:20 AM


3 people get in my cab and need a long ride home up island. I got a guy in my front seat chatting away with me while his buddy is in the back with girl all the way in the last row of seats. The guy next to me tells me he has no idea who that girl is and that his boy just met her tonight at the bar. When the ride starts we all are talking together. However, the longer the ride goes the quieter dude in the back is getting. At first I could hear them making out and then they slid so low in the back seat and I couldn’t really see them anymore. After a while kid just stopped responding to questions that his drunk buddy in front was asking him. I don’t think his buddy was sober enough to realize what was going down. I leaned over to him and said, “Dude, I’m pretty sure your bro is getting a BJ in the back seat.” He just looks at me, chuckles and goes “Oh ya man, you’re probably right. I Should stop talking to him.” Ya think?

Hey, there’s no cock blocking allowed in my cab. No way, no how. Do whatever you want back there bro. I only have to sit in the front seat, I could give a flying fuck how crusty the back seat gets.

VIDEO: Tom Brady's Wicked Accent Commercial

Tom Brady's Wicked Accent from Tom Brady

Tom Brady is pretty fuckin solid in this video. Personally, I think its like 2 minutes too long but the part at the end where he knife-edge chops his own cut out and walks away while that lady calls him Matt Damon is priceless.

Oscar worthy acting out of TB12 really.

Tuukka Rask and Tyler Seguin Dominating the Shit Out of "The Tropics" This Weekend

It's the opening weekend to Masshole summer and you arguably have the 2 most important players in the Boston Bruins future vacationing on the islands off the Cape. Tuukka time on Martha's Vineyard and Tyler Seguin on Nantucket for Memorial Day Weekend.

Now you maybe sitting there saying big deal, who give a fuck? Let me learn you something my friends. I'm ecstatic that these 2 franchise cornerstones spend some of their free time amoungst the people. This means something to me. By spending time in the Boston area during the offseason, these guys get constantly reminded of how important winning is to this fan base. It gets said to them over and over again. I love that these guys rip it up with vacationing Massholes. They can't help but get some of that Boston live or die sports mentality to rub off on them. You never see Phil Kessel partying on Nantucket during Figawi. Bro was too soft, he couldn't handle it.

Ps. 100 percent chance Seguin slammed out this chick in the white pants. Is there anything that gives you a boner quicker in the summer than seeing a hot chick in white pants down the Cape? 

Once Brady steps down, this kid has a chance to takeover and run this town. Play on playa

Dad Accidentally Slices His Son During a Samurai Sword Fight

Fox News
Authorities say an upstate New York man using a samurai sword to fight with another man struck his 8-year-old son in the head. Police in Utica tell local media outlets that 42-year-old Thar Kyi barged into the home where his three children were getting ready for school Tuesday morning and began swinging the sword at their mother's boyfriend. Officials say Kyi missed the boyfriend but struck his son. The boy was treated at the hospital for non-life-threatening injuries. Kyi was eventually found in the Syracuse area and charged with assault, burglary, criminal contempt and criminal possession of a weapon. He's being held in Oneida County Jail. It couldn't immediately be determined whether he had a lawyer.


Ain't that a bitch? Here you are getting ready for school minding your own business and Dad decides to get into a Samurai sword fight with Ma's boyfriend. Like WTF dad? It's bad enough I got to deal with this Captain Crunch cutting the shit out of the roof of my mouth , but I also got to deal with you slicing a chunk of flesh of the side of my dome piece? Mom wanted some new dick. That's life. Move on, deal with it.

Bruins Fans, What Would You Give Up to Get Rick Nash?

Joe Haggerty CSNNE.com
With the Stanley Cup Finals little more than a week away, the busy season has arrived for the rest of the NHL beginning work on their offseason plans. Trade rumors, signing your own players and major roster decisions are all in play with the NHL Draft and NHL free agency little more than a month away. That means the rumor mill is getting worked into a deep frenzy for 27 NHL teams watching the New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers and Los Angeles Kings work out the whole Stanley Cup thing. There were reports out of Columbus that the Bruins are working on pulling together a deal for discontented sniper Rick Nash as he becomes the biggest trophy on the trade market this summer. According to “The Canon” blog out of Columbus, the Blue Jackets TV play-by-play guy, Jeff Rimer, reported on one of the local radio stations that the Bruins were preparing a “major” offer for the former No. 1 overall pick.

 The Bruins have needed a pure scorer for years. Even when they won the cup in 2011 there was a need for a forward whos forte was scoring goals. Rick Nash would fill that need. But what would Bruins fans be willing to give up? Nash makes 7.8 million per year. The Bruins would have to clear more cap space to aquire Nash while giving up a solid forward or two of their own in return. Supposedly Columbus is asking for a kings ransom, a combination of Hamilton, Seguin, Bergeron, Lucic or Krecji. Seguin or Bergeron are absolutely not going to happen. I would be very open to trading Krejci for Nash and sliding Seguin to center with Nash on the Right Wing. If it took both Lucic or Krejci for Nash I would pause a little but I still would probably do it. The wild card is we have no idea how Nash would preform in the playoffs. In 08-09 he played just 4 games with 3 points and was a minus 4. We do know how Lucic and Krejci have preformed and their level of play has been maddeningly inconsistent. Nash would be a risk, but it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

 On a side note. I'd prefer Zach Parise over Nash. I know Parise would thrive in this Bruins system and his price tag should be a little less than Nash. If the Bruins could sign him in free agency they wouldn't have to give up any players to sign him (assuming he can fit in under the cap).

VIDEO: How Pissah is This Cape Cod Potato Chips Ad?

This ad is the fuckin tits. Whoever came up with this in the marketing department should get a promotion asap. Shit just tugs at the heart strings of beach going Massholes. You got the lighthouse, sand, ocean, seagulls, Cape Cod chips and a phat beat from a shitty 80's band. Phenomenal stuff really.

I know dudes in bands get groupies and chicks hanging off them, but you can't tell me this hairdo got Mike Scores dick wet. I know it was the 80's but that hair had to be a major cockblock right?

California Guy Turns Super Soaker Into a Real Shot Gun

Fox News A California man was arrested after authorities discovered the "Super Soaker" water gun he was wearing around his neck had been turned into a working shotgun, Fox affiliate KMPH reports. Fresno police approached 54-year-old Randy Smith when they noticed the water gun around his neck Saturday because they had been recently briefed on people turning toys into working weapons. When they took the water gun apart, they found a real shotgun shell instead of water. "He took the Super Soaker apart, was able to fashion a barrel to where he was able to make what's considered a zip gun, where you can fire one round through it. In this case it was a 20 gauge shotgun shell," Sergeant Mark Hudson of the Fresno police told KMPH. Even more troubling, Bill Mayfield, who works at Gilmay Guns in Fresno tells KMPH it only costs about $30 worth of parts to transform a toy into a shotgun, and you don't have to be a gun expert to do it. He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move. "The firearms cartridge with the gun powder is an explosive. The device they're building has to be able to contain the pressure of that explosion," Mayfield told KMPH. "So they're just relying on, maybe this will hold up. Well, you could be putting a gun next to your head, or you could be putting a hand grenade next to your head." Police say Smith faces multiple charges, including being a convicted felon in possession of ammunition, a felon in possession of a firearm, manufacture of an illegal weapon and a misdemeanor warrant. 


"He warns that doing so is definitely not a smart move."

Really? I think its genius. You ever get blasted by someone with a super soaker? It fuckin sucks. The only person that enjoys it is the asshole squirting everybody. The kid with the super soaker maybe one of the most annoying characters of child who grew up in the 90's. Nothing worse than little Billy running up to you every 5 seconds blasting you in the eye ball and while chuckling his ass of. Well how quick will Billy shut the fuck up after you launch a 20 gauge bullet into his chest? Game changer. Set the tone for the summer and the rest of the kids at camp will leave you the fuck alone.

 

 I'd chose getting blasted with a shot gun over getting hit in the face with and Oozinator everyday of the week. Looks like a commercial on teaching kids the best way to take loads to the face. No thanks.

VIDEO: Parents Put Their Kid in Washing Machine. It Turns on Automatically and He Gets the Shit Washed Out of Him

Case in point why not everyone should be allowed to have kids. Like just a quick survey from the US Goverment would have found out this dad was not fit.

Question 37: If you child wants to go inside a washing machine do you think it's a good idea to put him in and turn it on? 

 Answer: Yes 

 Fail.

Sorry no kids for you my man. Keep on studying and maybe you will pass the test next year and be able to keep one of your mistake babies. For now we don't want parents that try to simultaneously drown and concuss thier kids by putting them inside a washing machine.

My favorite part is at the 56 second mark when they guy in the red hat watches the kid roll around for a few seconds by himself and then waves his hand as to say "ah fuck it" and walks away. Way to step up there buddy. What a fuckin cocksucker huh? I know you prob cant do anything at this point but at least humor me by trying to pull on the door handle while junior is on spin cycle. This asshole in the red hat is sneakily the worst person in this video.

VIDEO: Will Smith Slaps a Reporter in the Face That Tried to Kiss Him

Huffington Post Will Smith is in the middle of a press tour for "Men in Black 3" and got more than he bargained for while in Moscow this week. Smith was walking a press line when a reporter stopped him to give him a hug and attempted to kiss him. "Hey man, what the hell is your problem?" Smith exclaimed, and pushed him away, before slapping the man in the face. "He tried to kiss me on my mouth!" "He's lucky I didn't sucker punch him," Smith added afterward. According to TMZ, the man involved in the incident is a TV reporter who likes to kiss celebrities.

This reporter was getting jiggy like a mofo. Just trying to slip Big Willy Style the tongue on the red carpet. Ballsy move. I am Legend plays it off pretty smooth though. Talks a little shit and then gives him a Ric Flair knife edge chop to the face. What did the 5 fingers say to the face?

Could The Patriots be Serious About Signing TE Dallas Clark?

So Dallas Clark reportedly worked out for the Patriots earlier this week, but could they be serious about signing him? It looks like they will carry 6 WR's and already have TE Gronk, Hernandez and Daniel Fells. Now we all know Clark is really more of a slot WR than an actual tight end. However, don't put it past Josh McDaniels to find a place for this guy on the roster. In a passing league, a 3 TE set with Gronk and Clark on the line of scrimmage with Hernandez in the backfield could be a nightmare for defensive coordinators. Injuries and quarterback issues have halted Clarks production in the past few years, but he fits the mold of a veteran player who they can most likely sign on the cheap. I for one would love to see it, although it looks like the Patriots are merely kicking the tires at this point.

BREAKING NEWS: Bill Belichick Drinks Bud Light Limes So My Friends Can Go Fuck Off and Stop Making Fun of Me Now

Whats up dickheads? News just leaked out that our Lord and Savior Bill Belichick favorite drink to crush while chilling on Nantucket is BL Limes. Make fun of me now assholes. I drink the same drink of choice as a 3 time super bowl winning head coach and future hall of famer. Shits right up there with how kids drank Gatorade because of Jordan.

Sometimes I dream
 That he is me
 You've got to see that's how I dream to be
 I dream I drink, I dream I chill
Like Bill
If I could chill Like Bill
Like Bill
Oh, if I could Chill Like Bill
Chill Like Bill, Chill Like Bill
Again I try
 Just need to chill
For just one day if I could Chill that way
 I dream I drink,  I dream I chill
Like Bill
If I could chill Like Bill
I wanna chill, I wanna chill Like Bill
Oh, if I could Chill Like Bill

VIDEO: Old Man Tries to Move Alligator Then Almost Gets His Arm Bitten Off

Ah, the old blind the alligator with a towel technique. This shit usually works right? Just trick the alligator into thinking its night time and then you can pick him up while he dozes off. Shoulda been a fool proof plan. Where the fuck did this guy think he was going to carry this thing too if he did pick it up? This isnt a turtle bro. You ever watch Crocodile Dundee? Mind over matter? You got to be trained in the outback to be able to handle shit like this.

It's it surprising to anyone else that absolutely no one in the video chimes in and says "Hey grandpa, I dont think its a good idea for you to straddle that alligator like you do to nana after bingo night." Just a thought.

Seeing the NY Giants Get Their Super Bowl Rings Last Night Makes Me Want to Slit My Own Wrists

“You get that the first time you’re in awe. You win a second one you think ‘Maybe we can do something here.’ Let’s make it a dynasty. We want to make it a dynasty." -Justin Tuck

Fuck me. Nothing like listening to another football team talk about dynasties right up in your grill piece. Theres not much to say about this really. I can never talk football shit to a NY Giants fan for the rest of my life. Like how do you comeback from 2 super bowl loses? You don't. The only way I see the Patriots fans ever being able to talk shit to Giants fans is if we so happen to meet and beat them in the Medowlands at Met life Stadium for Super Bowl 48 in the year 2014. Even then it will be still 2 to 1 but at least we would be able to look NY and NJ people in the eye again with out pissing down our legs.

How Bullshit is it that Foxboro Residents are Being Robbed of Their Right to Park Cars in Their Yards During Stadium Events?

Sun Chronicle
FOXBORO - Under a bylaw approved by a vote of 73 to 50 Monday night, people who charge a fee to park cars on residential neighborhoods for major stadium events will be subject to a $100 fine for each vehicle. The rule would apply for stadium events licensed for more than 15,000 attendees. "Ludicrous," is the word Margaret Chaisson, of 199 North St., applied to the idea that stadium-area residents should have to obtain color-coded placards from the town to distinguish their own and their guests' vehicles from scofflaw parkers... For years, the town unofficially allowed people to park up to 10 cars for a fee in a neighborhood - a way to soften the pain of living amid game-day traffic jams. "It's gotten totally out of hand," Spier said, noting some neighbors have jammed 50 to 60 cars in their yards. Spier said he pays about $55 per space per year in town and state fees for each of his licensed parking spots. He said licensed lots, unlike the bandit operations, provide portable toilets, lighting and are adjacent to sidewalks. The advisory committee voted unanimously to support the parking fine bylaw. "This revision is needed because parking for a fee in unlicensed lots in residential areas near Route 1 and the stadium has grown exponentially in the last few years, creating both traffic hazards and public safety concerns," the committee wrote.


Chill the fuck out there Mr. Spier. This is creating more traffic and public safety concerns? Ya and the 70,000 people in the surrounding stadium parking lots have nothing to do with that? Grow up. If a Foxboro resident can fit 50-60 cars in his yard then more power to him. Should be every persons right to jam as many cars as they want onto their property. If they want to ruin their lawn and have 80 plus Massholes tailgate in their own back yard then have at it. Your bound to form a couple of bromances and get at least 1 hot chick in the crowd all while making bank. You can't fuckin sit here and tell me that residential parking even puts a financial dent into the other lots around the stadium. Have you ever drove down rt 1 on game day? Place is a friggin shit show. Every lot is jam packed hours before a game and the people who live in the surrounding areas are basically in lock down mode because it takes 2 hours to get anywhere. The least the town of Foxboro can do is let them make a little coin off of it. Oh and if your trying to shove a Foxboro Casino up everyone's ass you might want to not take away the one benefit the residents have when it comes to living close to the stadium.

Imagine if you got Big Daddy Smooth in your yard? Like winning the tailgate lottery.



"Fahkin"

VIDEO: Dude Lights His Gas Tank On Fire While Pumping Gas. Hilarity Ensues

Not sure what the fuck this guy was trying to do lighting a match and sticking it near his gas tank but who am I to judge what someone else considers fun. If I'm the gas attendant I'm getting the fuck out of this situation ASAP. No way they pay you enough to pump gas and put out car fires. We got the fire department for that shit.

I love how this gas attendant gets blown over, hangs on to the fire extinguisher and just keeps blasting away. Mutherfuckin heart of a champion right there.

Hannah Storm and Lindsay Czarniak Have to Be the Most Lethal Combination of Sports Anchors In History

No bullshitting here. As a man you can not ask for a hotter combination of female sports anchors. You got Hannah Storm coming in at 49 years-old with a fastball still in the upper 90's just inspiring boners from all generations. I love how ESPN puts her in skirts sitting in a visible chair every second they can. Bravo ESPN, bravo. Today you got Lindsay Czarniak working along side her as the young up incoming top prospect forming the most lethal tag team we have seen in the history of broadcasting. When they were next to each other this morning on SportsCenter I found myself eye fucking this shit out of my TV. Screw the highlights of the Celtics blowing out the 76ers. Gimme more face time of Storm and Czarniak! Make this duo perminate every morning. There can never be too much Storm and Czarniak.


Whoever made this video is stalking the shit out of Hannah Storm as we speak.

How Far Do You Take Your Road Rage?

So i'm driving to the gym the other day minding my own business at 8am on a Saturday morning when this guy cuts me off for no reason. I was sitting at a red light and this black car with tinted windows pulls up behind me at a red light. The light turns green and I hit my gas instantly. The guy behind slams on his gas and blows by me on the left hand side as we drive through the intersection. Let me remind you its 8am on a Saturday and there is not another car in sight. Who drives like a cocksucker that early in the morning on the weekend? As soon as I realize this guy is passing me I hit my gas even harder and we race side by side for a few seconds before completely goes by.I don't know what happened to me but I had a psychotic meltdown.

I sped after this guy down the street while looking to my right and saw a half empty water bottle sitting there. I grabbed the bottle and had every intention of pulling up next to this guy and chucking it at him. Then I said to myself, "Dude, you really going to follow through with this? What, he stops and you throw the bottle out your sunroof at him as he puts 2 bullet holes in your head?" So after 2 minutes of chasing and having my right arm cocked back clutching an Aquifina, I watched him turn down a side street and I went my separate way.

This kinda shit has to happen all the time to people right? Like deep down I know I am too much of a pussy and I know I'll never follow through with any of my road rage intentions. This is about the closest I've ever been to delivering some serious road rage. I can respect a cut off in the middle of traffic but the fact this guy cut me off at 8am with no one in sight is pure bush league.



This road rage incident was prob a good idea at the time until the guy driving the car your smashing with a bat drives off and rear ends another car.




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Boston.com Lists Top 10 Boston neighborhoods Couples Cheat In

Boston.com

A website that caters to connecting married couples looking to date released a list of the top 10 cheating neighborhoods in Boston. More than 165,000 Bostonians are members of AshleyMadison.com, the discreet dating website for married men and women reports, and the website has broken down those numbers to show which neighborhoods have the most members per capita.

This is clear proof of my argument that relationships and marriages suck. Here we got 165,000 Massholes online trying to find someone else to bang other than their significant other. You know why most of them are doing this? Cause sex with anyone gets old after 3 months. As much as I love the movie the Dark Knight, I know how its going to end. It's a great movie, but it doesn't get better each time I see the Joker hanging upside down at the end. Well that's the same way sex is with that same person over and over again. You can be the man in the bedroom but there really are so many moves you can do before you run out of tricks. It works the same way for the women. Sure this is going to bring all the women out of the wood work to rip me a new asshole but there's a reason the divorce rate is at 50 percent and online dating sites and straight up cheating sites like Ashley Madison are growing in membership by the day. People have a plethora of options now and they want to play them. Don't shoot the messenger, the proof is in the numbers.



I have no idea who this kid is but he dropped so much knowledge in the first 1:15 it's not even funny. 100 percent chance he is on AshleyMaddison.com right now.

 "The most painful thing you could ever do is talk to a man. Like blood will ooze out of our fuckin ears and down our bodies."

That line made me lose my shit.

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This Viral Bromance Video Makes Me Want To Crush Beers and High Five Bros All Weekend

"Bromance, Nothin really gay about it. Shouldn't be ashamed or hide it, I love you in the most heterosexual way."

Couldn't of said it any better myself.

Nothin like a piss stream sword fight. It's like a bromance right of passage.

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